Expert: Sam E - 10/30/2006

Question
One week after our second child was born, my husband of six years began cheating on me with an 18 year old.  He confessed this to me three weeks after meeting her and before they ever had sex.  One week after telling me, they had sex in a park after work and continued a very physical relationship and have lived together after I left.  He has since ended the relationship and we are trying to work things out.  My question relates to intimacy issues that my husband has had since we were married and they have escalated with the affair and the guilt.  He admits that he cannot be physically intimate with me, although he had no problems being intimate with this other person, and has not found me attractive for years.  He is going to seek counseling, as am I.  Can these intimacy issues be overcome or is staying a lost cause?  I want my marriage to succeed, but I don't want to put in the work that it is going to take if there isn't any hope.  Am I unrealistic in the hopes that my husband can be intimate with me and find me attractive again?

Answer
I want to tell you this and you need to believe it!
YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE NOT THE UNATTRACTIVE ONE.  YOU SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO PLEASE HIM. YOU ARE A WOMAN THAT DESERVES  RESPECT!
The first thing you need to understand is that he came back to you because it did not work out with her.  Would he have come back if it was working out with her? I don’t know if you should have taken him back so soon. What will stop him from doing this again?  It is not fair to you. He was cheating on you, left you, than before you even had a chance to deal with all of this he comes back.
You are going to have problems. Major ones. You need to do a few things that are going to be hard but wirth it in the end.
He needs to leave. You need time to think all of this over. You need counseling to help sort out all of this pain. He needs to know that you are not so easy to forgive and forget. If he can come right back to you after being so hurtful, you can count on him doing it again! Think about it. It was more than just a one time thing. It wasn’t a mistake. He actually left you! That goes beyond cheating.
You need to get yourself together. To gain the self esteem he robbed you of.
I’m telling you right now if you do not get a hold of this it will tear you apart. Eventually it will end your marriage.
He needs to leave. You need to seek help. Focus on you. Do whatever it takes to start regaining your  self -esteem. He too should seek counseling. He has major issues that need attention.   
After awhile seek couple counseling. He needs to be out of the home because you need to start off slow and if he was around you may need up jumping into it too soon and the pain will arise again.Counseling helps you to heal. It helps you to forgive.
If after a time apart you decide it is not worth it, still seek counseling and start a legal separation or if you are 100% sure , start the divorce.
Please remember this, just because he has done you soooo wrong, does not mean that you are ugly or unworthy to be loved. It just means that he does not love you or respect you, but I know that there are people who do love you and respect you. You are a worthwhile person and deserve love and respect from your mate and if he can't give it to you, find someone who can. It is his loss not yours. Stop blaming yourself and trying to make him love you. It won't work!
Hope this helps,
Sam