Expert: Drea Jean - 5/18/2006

Question
Well my story is a long one. Here goes, I'm 33 and Have been married 8 years. My husband was a missionary and exteremly religious so this is where I can't believe he could do this to me. I thought everything was ok with us, not perfect) but good. He cheated on me with an ex in july 05 when he went back to his home town to bring his sisters to live with us (they are children) I had opened my house for his family and which I did not have to do. And with my BEST FRIEND of 18 years in aug 05 in MY CAR twice!!  I just found this out 9 months later. He also admitted he had been flirting with other women,asking them out and passing out his business card. He went out to lunch with someone 2 blocks down the street from my house. I called this woman and she told me he told her he was not married and had no kids. He picked this woman up on a night when we were out together behind my back! he had been harrassing about 3 other women to go out with him. I am mortified!!! He finally confessed everything to me and wants to be forgiven and has been going to church again and told the bishop what happened. He said it all started with looking at porn then having thoughts that progressed into him doing this. he claims he did not enjoy having this secret life, but after he cheated once why didn't he realize it was wrong and stop? Why with my best friend? He also tried to kiss my new friend and was texting her with my phone!! What's wrong with this guy and will he really never cheat again? I am so confused,hurt, and all the emothions that come with this kind of betrayal. He started acting werid and changed after we moved to anther state.I'm pretty new here so I only have one friend no more best friend. I called her and she denied the whole thing, had the nerve to say he was lying even when he was on the phone telling her to admit it because he had told me everything. Anyway he lived this secret cheating life for 11 months, so how does one finally realize that that was wrong and change over night? I find this impossible. He has really changed to be better but How can i ever trust him and that he won't do it again in the future? How do I really know he is sincere? Or is this a fake thing so i won't leave him and take the kids? Any advice. You said you know why people cheat, well why? i would like to know what goes on in somones mind. It wasn't an isolated incident, he went looking for people to cheat on me with. Help. Thanks

Answer
Hi Brandi,

Im going to make a quick point here, something for you to consider. Is it possible HE was lying about sleeping with your best friend twice? You've known her for 18 years, does it seem like something she would do? She denied it to you, AND she continued to deny it even when he was on the phone. Could he have been lying to you? If so, it may be more than the cheating that is a concern, but also that he is trying to isolate you from people who would be helpful if you wanted to get away from him. If thats true, its a good sign he may want to make you feel as if you can not leave him, and rely on him so no matter what he does, you have to stay. Men who cheat will often try to isolate their wives or girlfriends for that very reason.

Men cheat for many reasons, and since I don't know your husband, I can't give you HIS reason, but I can give you the main reasons, and you may find one that fits him. NONE of the reasons are YOUR fault, they are all because of something they feel or want. And what your deacon said is an often used, but ungrounded claim for infedelity. It was not porn that caused it, and it was not you, it was something in him that caused it.

Men cheat because they feel neglected at home. This is often the reason new fathers have affairs, or when I family situation arises where they feel left out. They find someone who pays attention to them, and they cheat.

Men cheat because they feel old, or unattractive, or are insecure about themselves. This is often the reason men cheat in middle age. They may feel as if they have lost their youth, and are unappealing. Finding women besides their wives, who find tham attractive, or sexy, will often lead to sexual affairs.

Men cheat for Sex. This is often the reason almost all men cheat. They may crave kinky sex, but their wife is conservative. They may crave more sex, but their wife is too busy. They may crave anything their wife is not interested in, and will look for it on other places. This is not the wifes fault, but rather the Mans, as he chooses to break his vows rather than try to make it work at home.

Does he fit into any of those things, or maybe even all 3? Those are the main reasons. Of course, sometimes it "just happens" in an act of stupidity, but since your husband has gone out LOOKING for women, and found them on more than one occasion, this is not likley the case for him.

Now, my gut is that he will cheat again. He did it too many times for too long, with no remorse to give it up so easily. But he may realize his mistake, and really be trying. So, if thats the case, and you want to know if he is sincere, than you have to pay attention to the way he behaves. If he is sincere, he will be very open, and willing to make you feel comfortable with trusting him. He will tell you where he is going, and where he is been anytime you ask, and he will do it with a smile on his face. If he is sincere, he will do what you need him to so you feel comfortable. If he is offended and secretive, than you should be suspicious. Trusting him again is going to be something only HE can help you do. He will need to do all the things I mentioned, and over time, you will notice he is truthful all the time, and your trust will build back up slowly. Stay suspicious, and don't let him walk all over you, but give him the benefit of the doubt.

I wish you the best.