Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/1/2007

Question
QUESTION: just found out after 13 years of marriage (been together 16) that my husband has slept with every woman in town. He has never been faitful to me, not even when we were dating. HE LOVES WOMEN! Can he be help? I am his second marriage, we have one child together. Can his obession be STOPPED??

ANSWER: You have half of his problem correct.  He is obsessed with women; he does not love women.  The sex that he has with women  is not about sex at all; it is definitely not about love.  It is a desperate attempt to get control, approval, tranquility, and certainty in his life.  Ultimately, he is looking for love.  He just has a problem with recognizing it... even if it were biting him on the rump.  The whole cycle of cheating is a feeble attempt to fulfill the need for true love.  It seems to have all of the key factors that are involved in true love without the truth.  There is attraction, desire, appetite, fulfillment, and satisfaction.  He continues to go through the cycle because he is trying to fill a raging appetite (which is the void between desire and satisfaction) for a steak with cotton candy.  This forces him, in his mind, to need to continue this destructive cycle until he is satisfied...  it will never happen through his methods.  In order for your husband to stop, he will have to either get some serious professional help, do some heavy soul searching about why he has such a feeling of lack of love (look closely at childhood), or just decide to stop.  If you truly love him you have to stop enabling him by acknowledging the fact that he is obsessed with women and sex.  You never really explained how you feel about his problem.  It seems obvious that you are not happy about it, but it does not seem that are willing to give him an ultimatum.  You have to understand how you are affected by this situation and what you are willing to do about it.  I understand that you have a child but you have to makeup your mind about how much you are willing to take.  Good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He doesn't know that i know, YET. I love him and I really don't want to lose him. But if his problem can't be fixed, I don't want to share my husband with the world.

Answer
So if you don't want to share him with the world, but you do not want to lose him... you are between a rock and a hard place.  You will eventually have to build up the courage to confront, or discuss, this matter with him.  If he is able to be totally honest and open with you he will share enough information with you for you to make an informed decision about your future.  It is a very difficult position that you are in.  It may seem odd but some people are capable of coping with a spouse who does these things.  If that is not you, then you must bite the bullet and move on.