Expert: Peggy - 10/21/2001

Question
I have recently found out that while I dated my wife exclusively she had many one night stands when we were committed to only each other.one of which was only 3 months before we got engaged. We have been married for 10 years now but this information has made me look at her differently and I feel all my fond memories are now tainted forever. I feel like a fool to have believed all her lies and have no respect for my wife. I know it was a long time ago but to me it is new information and its very painful to think that she was such a cold calculating liar.I am humiliated and my self esteem is non exsistent.It is hard to start over at my age plus I have children. I've seen a counsler and all they can say is that it was long ago and i dont understand how ten minutes or ten years makes a difference when two people say their in love and one of them is screwing everybody they can, it makes me sick. How should I feel ,what should I do...leave?

Answer
Hi Jim,
I know it is hard to deal with this even though it happened 10 years ago.  What does your wife say about it?  Has she cheated since you have been married?  Sometimes people do stupid things, and by doing them, they realize what is truly the right choices for them.  Maybe she wanted to make sure that you were really the one. It doesn't sound like you were together that long before you got engaged. The thing to realize is how has she treated you during the 10 years that you have been married?  Is it worth ruining the rest of your life?  Like children that come from dysfunctional homes sometimes use that as a crutch to be lazy or mean the rest of their lives. It only ends up hurting them.  So you have a choice. If the marriage is worth saving, talk to her, tell her your feelings and then try to move on.  If you can't forget or forgive what she has done, then your best bet is to leave because you would be destroying all of your lives by staying.  If she has been a great wife for 10 years, then you need to seriously take that into consideration before moving on.  She's not perfect, but you will never find someone who is.
I know it hurts, and I don't know who told you about it, but whomever did, only wanted to hurt you.  If your wife told you, then she just wanted to ease her own guilt and that wasn't fair to you. Let her know your feelings, think what you would be giving up, and think about all the good times you have had together.  I'm sure you have made a few mistakes along the way also, because we all have.  Just remember, your self esteem should be intact. It was her own insecurities that made her do it, not you.  You must be doing something right if you are still together after 10 years. You will probably never forget what happened, but if you can forgive, you will be helping yourself.
Good Luck
Please let me know how it turns out.
Peggy