Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 9/13/2007

Question
We've been dating for 6mo.  I saw a call from a guy I didn't recognize, no big deal.  I went in her phone for something later and found she was calling this guy pretty regularly.  One weekend I couldn't get in touch b/c "her phone died, etc."  Next week I found a receipt for a flight to NYC.  This guy has an NYC #.  Confronted her, says she booked the trip and didn't go, etc.  Checked with American Airlines, they said she did go.  Confronted, said she went with her friend, only person she knows in NYC.  I said what about this guy, she said, Ok, he met them there, hung out, nothing else.  I had to move b/c of business, and I've been hesitant about continuing on with things.  She said she stopped talking to him, I actually believe this part.  
Recently, created a chat name, went online and found this guy.  Talks about a girl he stopped seeing recently after 8mo, came from Miami to see same show she disappear for, slept with her on multiple occasions, his page has a video of him and her at same party, etc.

So now it's rock solid that all this happened.  I'm going to confront her but I would like her to tell me the truth, not just explain what I already know.  Should I just tell her she has one chance to tell me the whole truth or it's over, would this work?

I've done the same thing a few times before, I understand it.  If she doesn't come clean, I'm not going to take her back.  What is the best approach for getting her to come clean with me.

Thanks.

Answer
No it will not work.  It has not worked to this point, and there are no factors that have changed.  She has already established a pattern of lying to you until you tell her the facts that you have discovered.  Then she partially admits her wrongs with another lie.  The thing that you must ask yourself is, "do I want to be with this person."  You have already proven to yourself that she has cheated on you.  You have also proven that she will lie to you.  It sounds like you are willing to forgive her for cheating because you can understand why people do it; but, it sounds like your main concern is honesty.  You are not sure if you can trust her.  The true issue is trust not cheating.  Cheating is simply a symptom of lies.  You have to understand that she may not cheat again, although that is not very likely, but she will lie again.  You have only been dating for six months, it is possible that she was really just wrapping up an old relationship, and not really cheating.  If that is the case she may tell you something to that effect; or she may have been cheating and could have stopped.  If you want to be with her you have to let her know how important honesty is to you.  Then you have to decide if you are willing to put your emotions on the line again to give her a chance or not.