Expert: RITA - 12/21/2004

Question
I apologize for the length of this question.
I am 24 years old and I have been in what I'd like to think of as a happy and healthy 2 year relationship with my boyfriend.  We hooked up after being roomates for a few months and untill last summer everything was a dream.  Last summer I had the oportunity to travel and do some really fun and interesting things with fun and interesting people.  My boyfriend was much less than encouraging or supportive of my desire to travel.  And lateley he becomes very insecure when I do things without him. Its not that I don't go out of my way to include him in the things I'm doing.  the main reason he doesn't come out with me is that he can't afford it.  I am 4 years younger than him, work full time, and am a full time student, and make 2 dollars and hour less than him but somehow I've been footing the bill for many of the things we do together and sometimes paying all the bills altogether. ( though I have put my foot down about ever paying his bills again)Anyways, I feel he really resents me for not being around as much and not being his support system anymore.  I still love him very much (though over the last year he has let his personal appearance go and I'm not as attracted) and would like our relationship to progress.  we've talked about moving out of state together and we currentley live together , we even adopted a puppy together.  But since the summer i have been inspired and enlightened by my new crowd of friends and i want things in my life that I dont' think my boyfriend will be able to or want to have with me. and the next thing.....I have recentley befriended a couple and introduced them to my boyfriend we all hit it off great there is just one problem.....I am totally falling for the guy.  He is not only the epitomy of physical perfection (by my standards anyways) he is intelligent, funny and there is an undeniable chemisty between us. we have never been privatley alone together but we have been seeking out eachothers one on one company at social gatherings.  I really think his girlfriend is a great person and I would never want to hurt my boyfriend by cheating (its happened to him b4) I cannot get this other guy out of my head I think about him all the time everytime I see him and get to know him more the more he seems like the perfect catch for me.  and the recent events in my relationship (before I met guy #2) make me feel like I'm in a dead end relationship. Although I know my boyfriend feels quite the opposite.  my boyfriend is anticipating my graduation and possible hiring in order to make our life more comfortable.And I know he loves me dearly. The other thing about guy#2 is I found out through my only friend I've confided in about the matter, (except you of corse) is that guy#2 has cheated before.  I have cheated in previous relationships as well, usually as a defense mechanisim when things get too serious.  Is this infactuation(border line falling in love feeling) I have with guy #2 real or am I just scared I'm with the wrong dude and am looking for a way out.  If things with guy #2 are for real should I forget about it? is it right to sacrifice the stongest connection I've ever had with a guy to spare the broken hearts of 2 friends. Please let me know what you think .
sincerley Amy

Answer
Dear Amy, thank you for your question.
First of all before you go and dump your 2 year relationship, maybe you ought to try telling your boyfriend what you have told me....about his physical appearance, his lack of supportiveness and whatever else is bothering you. He may make the efforts to change how he's become over the last year, and he's probably not even aware of it, and how you are feeling.
Sometimes people just need to have things pointed out to them, and if you do it in a very non-critical way, he might just try and change it.
If not, then you should  get on with your life, because sometimes we also outgrow people. Everybody serves a purpose in our lives, and after we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn through them, then it's time to move on, if that is how it is supposed to be.
If you were to cheat and go for #2 guy, then you have learned nothing about yourself, or others or the past mistakes you have made,,,a mature adult would be honest, (even if it hurts) and  a)have the integrity to leave the relationship you are in or b)just go for it and get repaid later on down the road someday...sorry that's the only way we learn our lessons...call it karma...so corny but true.

Amy, even though you are unhappy with the person you are with, and have probably outgrown him, just do the right thing and leave first. It's not a fair thing to cheat, on anybody, no matter how bad it's going, it only creates more problems and the other person doesn't have the advantage of knowing the truth to begin with, so they're blindsided by the whole thing, and left feeling like "what's wrong with me"...for a long time after.
Do you want to do that to someone you claim you are still in love with? I think not. And also, I am not judging you at all.. I'm not in the position to do such a thing, but I've been on the "cheated on" side, as well, and it sucks...reallly!!! Take care
and tell me how you do....peace