Expert: Sam E - 3/30/2007

Question
I have a boyfriend for 1yr. and 3months here in US. Back in November 2006,
I found out that a girl from Asia(Philippines) sending him "I love you's" text messages to
his phone. When I asked him about the text messages, he just told me that it's
just a random text. I believed him at that time. Recently, his email address was
hacked, some of the email messages and IM conversation was sent to me and to his friends and family. And I
found out that the girl who send text messages to his phone way back November is
his online girlfriend(they have long distance relationship). When I found out last Feb.2007, he told me the whole story, he knew
this girl first( Jan.2005) for a year before he met me. They talk twice a day, everyday.
And during that time, when he knew this asian girl, he has no girlfriend. He
asked the girl if they could try to have online relationship and the girl agreed. When he met me Jan. 2006,
he didn't mind telling me that online relationship coz for him its just past
time conversation when he's bored and he's not serious and he doesn't feel any
love like the real one in person. And he told me, before he met me, having a gf
online is much easier to find.
When I knew everything, he broke up with the asian girl coz he said he loves me
and wants to be with me. He told me that he wants to break up with the asian
girl long time ago but he's just too coward to do it. He showed me the email he
send to the asian girl that they really broke up. And the asian girl feel bad
about there break up coz she doesn't know that he has girlfriend here for more
than a year(which is me). And my boyfriend promise me no more online relationship but he let
me know that he will talk to her just to know how things going with her after he
made the mistake. He told me that he will not come online coz he wants to stop
talking to her, so I believed that he doesn't come online coz sometimes we are
talking online too, I don't see him online and not leaving me
any offline messages. His second email add was hacked again and some IM's was
sent to me, family and friends. We found out that the hacker is the asian girl's ex-boyfriend,he was
mad coz this asian girl lied to him.  As I was reading the IM's, my bf is the
one starting conversation with the asian girl. First IM after they broke up, my bf just asked how
she's doing and a little bit friendly conversation. 2nd IM was so long, and they
did a disgusting online sex. And the 3rd IM, they talked alot again. I was so mad coz he said he's not going to be online and not to talk with that girl again. But it happened that he talked to her online and get invisible. He never even send me offline messages when he's talking to that girl. When I read
it all, he said sorry and he beg me to give him 1more chance to prove his love
to me and make things right. He beg to stay with him coz he loves me so much and
he doesn't want to lose me. Now, in this situation, Im really confuse. Is he serious with me or not? I never heard that he's flirting  
girls here just online. And I met his parents and friends too. By the way, I am Filipina too. Since, I gave him another chance, could you please tell me how could I start to trust him again? I find it difficult not thinking that they might still talking or sending text messages. He's always telling me that he wants us to move on and don't look back from the bad past we had. He wants our relationship work and be happy. Thank you so much and your reply is highly appreciated.

Answer
Since you did  give him a second chance he really needs to show you he is trust worthy. Once you have forgiven him you have to move past this. Let it go. If you keep bringing it up it will destroy the relationship. You have to fight the urge to keep throwing it in his face or dwelling on it. Let it go. It’s over and you both are moving on.  
Don’t play Magnum PI with him. Don’t tighten a leash or follow him around because that too will ruin you.  Just let him be him but if you start to get a bad feeling than confront him with it. Trust can be built up but it takes time. It takes him not cheating again and you letting it go and letting him be.
With time this will past and you will have trust in him again. If he happens to ever break that trust, than  you need to move on. Lastly and most important, take the focus off of him and put it on you. When you find yourself thinking about this, STOP!  Refocus. That is why having a hobby is so extremely important. When you start to obsess on this, stop and go do your hobby. If it’s running, run. If its writing, go write. Whatever it might be.  If you don’t have a hobby, get one! Hobbies also build self-esteem. Working out is a  great hobby because you can refocus and get your body in shape! You can also do it anywhere at anytime!
Remember this, actions usually start with a thought. You think about him, than it grows and grows, than you act. This is email checking, phone message checking and so on, getting mad at him and calling him names or saying bad things. It take over your life.  If you stop it at the first thought it will never grow into action.
You may have to refocus a hundred times a day at first, but after awhile it will lessen and before you know it, it will not be in your mind again.
With time this will past and you will have trust in him again. If he happens to ever break that trust, than  you need to move on.
~sam