Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/10/2007

Question
Hi. I'm 24 years old. I've been married to my husband for one year. The first
year of our marriage has been very difficult, my family has split over a huge
feud, and his mother left his father just after we wed. He's a wonderful young
man, but I feel extremely unsatisfied in the relationship. He's one month
older than I, but I feel as though he's 8 years younger sometimes! He wants
me to mother him constantly, and it runs so deep he has no clue when he's
doing it, or that he shouldnt even be asking so much of a woman, and he
wants to baby talk with me and be cutesy. Sometimes he rubs his head on
me, kind of "burrowing" into me and I feel total disgust. I don't want to have
sex with a big kid. I've brought up my feelings about these things and they
don't stop. His mother was very unhappy in her marriage, and used him as
emotional support all of his life. He never really developed independence
from her, it was a kind of emotional incest. I understand his situation and I
feel very deeply that he is a faithful, honest person who truly wants to heal
his life, but still mired in unawareness. He treats me like I'm his mother and
then "rebels" against me, shutting me out of mutually fun activities and
wanting to do activities together that I would rather be independent about.
For exmple, He acts like an adult around his friends, and is perfectly self
sufficient, works a demanding job, plays music (so do I, it's how we met.) and
can plan tours and be just fine. But as soon as we're alone, he regresses and
needs me for absolutely every little thing. He whines when he doesn't have
clean socks. He begs me to go into the grocery store with him to buy his late
meal even though I express verbally that I'll just have a moment of quiet in
the car and wait for him. He has lied to me 4 or 5 times since we started
going out about substance use, pot and beer. He's now working a job with
troubled teens who lie to him all the time, and it's super frustrating to him, so
he's totally stopped doing that with me, so far. It's been three months since
he last lied about something. I feel, however, that I'm in a relationship with a
teenager, not a man.

I'm falling in love with my college professor. He is single, older, and I believe
he is interested in me. I never assume, I usually err on the side of, this person
is not interested in me. That was not flirtation. However, he catches my gaze
intensly in class sometimes and has greeted me outside of class. I do not see
him responding the way he does with me with other students. There's a
tension to his interactions with me that isn't present when he talks to others.   
Whether he is interested in me or not, which I believe he is, I am more
concerned with what I'm feeling. I am feeling a deep attraction to this person.
It is who he is, the way he lives his life. He's not perfect, no one is. But I can't
deny the intense and immediate attraction I felt the first time I saw him, and
it has only grown. I feel completely nervous talking to him, because when our
eyes meet it feels too intimate. I have to communicate with him because I'm
taking two classes from him. I can't drop the classes because it's too late in
the semester. The more I watch him and notice my feelings for him, the more
unsatisfied I am with my young husband's behavior.

I try to curb my feelings for this other person but that only seems to
heighten the awareness and excitement I feel that he is the world. I am
thinking about him 80% of the day, for at least a month. It feels like more
than a crush. I would not have an affair under any circumstances. I would not
be able to feel good about myself again, I really detest lying large and small.
Everyone lies a little and I always out myself when I tell little lies. I have
shared with my husband that I am having these feelings toward this person,
although not to what extent. I have explained that it's about me and perhaps
changes need to be made in our relationship to help meet the needs I have
that I believe could be met by this other person.
I think my husband has been so castrated by his mother, he just has no idea
how to respond.

In the meantime, I feel frustrated and angry wasting my life waiting for him to
grow up, trying to help him. I have good reason to believe that this other
person would pursue a relationship with me were I single. the older man is
not the cheating type either. I would be crushed if I wasted my youth raising
the young man's self esteem, and he continued to put me in a "mother" role,
and left me for another woman whom he felt complemented his "new found"
independence more, even though this is something I have fostered in him
since we got together, making sure I wasn't crossing his boundaries even
when he couldn't identify them, telling him how I felt about things but
making sure he knew he could act from his own desires and not just based
around what I wanted.

I want something more mature. I'm really, really unsatisfied in my
relationship. I am considering ending my relationship, which would upend
both of our lives even more right now. Tell me your take on this situation. I
understand that there's no guarantee that the older man would want to
pursue a relationship with me. I'm unhappy and I can't seem to curb these
feelings of desire for a more mature relationship.

Answer
P.S.

Please do not cheat!!!  Because you are dealing with human beings (including yourself), cheating will only cause irreversible pain.  It may work out sometimes, but emotions are usually so strong that pain is always sneaking closely behind pleasure.  The situation with the instructor is just waiting for you to make the WRONG move.  One kiss, one touch, etc could be disastrous.  Be careful!