Expert: Calixta Arguinzoni - 8/22/2006

Question
i am 21 yrs old and i have a very puzzling problem. you see, my "boyfriend" and i were still "together" for 6 months and i knew way before that he has a 7 year girlfriend. but we are having so much fun and he spent all his time on me and we even went to work together in the same company which was his plan. honestly, i want him to break up with his girlfriend. he explained that it won't be easy and he don't want to break her heart. i said i'll leave him because our affair has gone much deeper for me to allow this kind of insanity and still keep up with it. i'd rather be alone. he said he would break it up but he needs time. he insists all the time that he is not a bad person to end everything all at once.
it was never my dream to have an affair like this, it's just that we have so much connection and we're like soulmates. (really) i don't want to ruin their relationship but i can feel that he doesn't want to end up with his girlfriend so why is he like this? am i just being fooled or is he telling the truth?

Answer
Good afternoon,

It seems that your "soulmate" has a lot at stake with his long term girlfriend. What I find odd is that both off you seem to have a great connection, but in most of the cases where men have a great connection, their long-term relationships with their steady partner tends to get derailed quickly. It's been six months, and he is still together? That is quite odd, at least from the "soulmate perspective" that you have on it.

I totally agree with you about wanting to be with someone else, and am quite surprised that you let him take control of your relationship with him by having YOU wait for HIM to make up his mind? I think he is not only taking advantage of you, he's "milking" as much as he can from you until he decides to make his mind up.

I'm pretty sure you understand how the decision process works, either you make one or you don't. Sometimes in the long run you might change your mind, but if you don't make it soon, your in risk of losing your perspectives. If you give him enough time to make a decision, she's gonna know what is going on and will do the impossible to keep him. In the case that you are still fine with sharing him until she decides to leave, you have a problem.

What I see, from his side, is a vicious cycle. Since he doesn't have the control in the relationship with his mate (hence his reluctance to just leave her because she might "THINK" less of him), he has it with you, and controls you by putting you on hold. This is not what a practical single woman needs, a married man that controls when and what his "lover" should do. Don't stand for this.

Remember that he is lying to someone, even though it is not you, his initiative was to fill some type of "emotional gap" he has with his significant other, with you. This definately puts you at risk if you someday lose that "special feeling" he gets from you. Although I don't agree on him "bullying" your free will to make you wait, if you do decide to wait for him, the relationship could actually be just that, you ...waiting.

I suggest you give him the ultimatum, either he makes the decision or he'll have to wait for you when he decides to make up his mind. In the case that you do want him for yourself (and believe me this works!) tell him that you want him to make his decision (if he wants to be with you) soon, and explain to him that since you don't want to cloud his judgement you are gonna take some distance.

By distance, I suggest cutting him off,until he decides to call it quits with his mate. This means no phone calls, no text messages, and no emails... "nada". If he "TRUST" you, he will understand that you will wait for him faithsully.This is effective because he is so used to having you, by his mind not perceiving you in his daily routine, it will almost be like kicking a long time habit (...hell!). Thus comes the term "cold-turkey". I completely see him making a quick decision after not "sharing" with you, in all senses.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be to sure of him telling you the complete truth about his marriage. Statistics show that 70% of men lie about their long term relationships to their lovers.  If anything, everything at home could even be picture perfect, and you are well...the third party. If he lies to someone he's been with for seven years, why wouldn't he lie to you? Think about this.

I do hope that you have enough courage to make him organize himself. You are not a toy, property, lease, or rental. You are a human being, and time is short. I hope that you resolve your current issue, and feel free to ask anything else at anytime.