Expert: Danyelle - 11/22/2001

Question
    Hi, Danyelle. I know that you are a little younger than me, but I figure I mine as well see your opinion on something. It is a bit long, but bare with me.
    I am a 24 year old guy who has fallen for this 33 year old woman who works in the same building as me. Anyways, I have been her friend for over a year now and she was there during me dating other girls and this and that. Well, earlier this year, I began to like her a lot. I even got her to go out with me as friends a few times too. One of these times I told her that I liked her, and she returned the sentiments, but has a lot of issues in her life right now ruling out the possibility of more at this time... We both enjoy each other and are attracted to each other, but there are some big obstacles.
    From getting to know her and getting closer to her, I have learned that she has a big hangup of getting hurt again as she was in two long-term relationships that ended with cheating and complete disrespect of her. One was 5 years and her more recent was 7 years. Anyways, it has been a year, but her recent ex still calls her and plays with her emotions. He is with another girl, whom is approx. 6 months pregnant right now as well, yet still strings her along! She has told me that deep down in her heart she still feels like there is a part of her that loves him, which kind of shows me how she is definitely not over him at this point.
    On our last hangout, I planned this romantic candlelit picnic near a dam with a waterfall. It was so perfect, yet right before it she mentioned how she gave it a lot of thought, and we should just be friends now. Her main problem was being scared of our stage of life and feeling that if we progressed, I might not commit and leave her like the others. Then, she would be a lot older and it would be even harder for her to get married and have a family. But, I still did this thing for her and she appreciated it. She did tell me that out of any guy who showed an interest, I was the only one she let in and I should be flattered that I was on her mind during all of this confusion.
     After this, I was totally fine being just friends with her as I just enjoyed being able to talk to her outside of our building and just the two of us. At work, we didn't tell anyone anything and looked like we hardly knew each other. We still did occassional phone calls, but it seemed like she was never up to hanging out again (she was a little that way in the beginning too because it was a big step for her to ven go out with a guy, friend or whatever). I asked her a few times and she was kind of vague about things with her answers, yet she did claim that she would call me when she was up to doing something. Some days she feels like she doesn't want to be around anyone.
    Her behavior at work has confused me. She can go from being very silent around me to being very happy and talkative. Sometimes, she even goes out of her way to get my attention. It is a little confusing, but one thing is that in work, she projects an image of being happy and over this guy because she doesn't want others to think she is pathetic.....but she knows I know the truth. I have thought perhaps this may be some of the reason she is quieter in work with me...
    One night she called and I wasn't home. She said that she would talk to me at work. Work came and she had a chance to come over and didn't...but then called me the next night. I was actually online and she sent a message that sounded somewhat urgent. She said she really needed someone to talk to and she chose me for some reason. I called her and she was crying. Some things had upset her that day and she wanted to vent. I helped her out and she opened up to me even more than before. She said again how out of any guy that showed an interest, I was the only one she let in. She also commented on my maturity on the phone. Basically, she realizes that she is comfortable and trusts me enough to talk to in an intelligent way when she needs someone who knows the real her. And she has said certain things like how she knows when she finally is able to move on, a guy as great as me may not be around and she realizes that. So, here are my ?s
    1. Why do u think she is comfortable enough to call me with her true feelings yet hesitant to do anything casual as friends? And I do mean friends....I just did these things as I am a nice person and really can just be a friend? (I have my theories, like not wanting to get close to anyone due to fear, but I don't know?)
     2. How should my behavior be towards her at work? outside of work ie. call her? Should I just act like nothing bothers me and confident that I can still be her friend?
     3. Any other feelings on my situation? I really appreciate any advice...be there for her always or take a step back?
Thanx
JOHN


Answer
Hello. Well it's easier for a lot of people to open up and actually talk when they're on the phone. It's often much easier to talk to someone about personal matters when on the phone...It's along the lines of being able to tell a complete stranger something, it's just easier. As for your second question, just be a friend. It seems that she really just wants someone she can trust right now, think of it this way...be her friend and gain her trust and when she's ready for a relationship the chances that she'll pick you are a lot higher...she'll know you and be comfortable. As for her not ever wanting to go hang out, that's tough but give her time. You can still call her and talk to her as you please, she'll probably like the attention. As for the end, I wouldn't put any pressure on a relationship. She really seems to want a friend. I've been cheated on and trusting people because of their unfaithfulness is very hard to do, you never know who really cares about you and who is after something physical. I just recommend giving her some time and being her friend. I think that the idea of you not committing and running off or cheating is firmly planted in her head, this could be because of low self-esteem. It happens to a lot of people and they need to learn to value themselves more before they can have enough confidence to get into more long term relationships. I hope my advice has been helpful and good luck!!