Expert: Don - 4/12/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

I have sent this question to a few other experts but they seemed to be
maxed out unfortuantely. I was wondering if you could help me with my
issue.

I am very distraught. I'll tell you what's been going on, and I need
you to tell me the honest, brutal truth no matter how much it hurts.

By the way, I am 25 years old, so perhaps I am younger than most people
you talk to.

Before I started a master's degree program in the fall, the housing
office at my dorm gave me the emails of 5 upperclassmen that I could
contact to ask questions about campus living. I emailed all 5 of them and
only one replied back. His reply was very informative and it was obvious
he was highly intelligent. We started talking every day and he answered
every single question I had so well that I didn't have any more
questions when I came to campus. He added me as a friend on his online webpage
and I saw that he was handsome and looked very put-together and mature,
although he was younger than me, he was 23.

Pretty soon the topics went onto a more personal level when we found
out we eerily had the exact same interests. It was very creepy how much
we had in common.

He never failed to keep in touch with me, even over the breaks. He was
very generous.

When we met in person during orientation, we hit it off and started
dating immediately. I had never met somebody I had clicked with so well.
He was very generous, sympathetic, and kind. He would go out of his way
to do nice things to show he appreciated me. The first time we ever
kissed we could not stop kissing, we kept on doing it over and over.

But our relationship wasn't just physical. The majority of the time we
spent cuddling together in front of the tv or watching movies at his
place, and he never tried to put his hands on me or kiss me or anything.
Sometimes I would stay late in his bedroom, like 4 am or 5 am, and he
would play the piano and sing for me and play guitar and serenade me.
Yet he would not try to get me to stay the night or put his hands on me
like most other guys would, he always called me a taxi to take me home.
We would talk for hours about all sorts of intellectual topics.

He told people on campus that I was a special and amazing girl, and he
wanted to make sure he took things slow with me.  He also told them
that I was just a girl he was dating and that he didn't want a girlfriend.

He told me had no interest in dating any other woman other than me and
enjoyed things the way they were at the moment because he didn't want
us labeled boyfriend-girlfriend because we had only been dating for 2
weeks, but he didn't want anyone else. He said the label would put too
much expectations on it since we had just met. About a month into it he
told me we were definitely not ready to have sex yet. Plus I am a virgin
and he isn't...so that's a good thing because he knew I wouldn't be
ready for a while.

But you know, actions speak louder than words. He would call me and
text message me and email me all the time wanting to see me all the time.
He always made plans with me in advance and always wanted to do things
that would make me happy. Also, when he asked how my day was, he
actually listened and remembered.

However, when we were together and we had been dating for a month and a
half, and other people referred to me as his girlfriend, he never
corrected them. He also sent me flowers periodically. And he did nice stuff,
such as if the bookstore didn't have a book, he would get it for me
from another bookstore or library. And if there was a certain brand of
coffee I liked to buy in the morning, he
would buy me the whole bag of the flavor I liked.

His friends said he was crazy about me and that he wasn't a player, he
was really genuine and that he was falling in love with me.

He had told me that he came from a broken family and his parents had
cheated on each other and it really hurt him. He was an only child like
me so he really didn't have anywhere to turn to to talk about it.  His
ex girlfriend whom he was in a year-long relatoinship (his only
relatoinship and the only woman he had sex with) was physically and emotionally
abusive to him, calling him nasty names, picking nasty fights and
arguing with him and accusing him of ridiculous things, she always accused
him of cheating on her even though he was devoted to her. Turns out she
was crazy and possibly bipolar I think. She once took an HIV test and
it was a false positive, so she started screaming at him accusing him of
sleeping around with other women and giving her AIDS which wasn't true.
She had also hit him a couple times. After they broke up she stalked
him, she slept outside his door and he had to call the cops on her
becuase she was threatening him that she would get a gun and kill herself and
wouldn't leave until the cops gave her a sedative and took her away to
a mental institution. Yikes what a messed up woman.

But he always treated me well. He seemed excited and thrilled to be
with me. We started slowly getting a little more intimate physically. He
didn't try to get me to have sex with him or put his hands on me at all,
but we did get fairly intimate because I wanted to do it. I felt like I
could trust him becuase he was so gentle and tender. Even when we were
nude together he would mainly keep his hands and eyes on my face
kissing me over and over gently holding me all night long. Neither of us ever
got much sleep becuase we would stay up all night kissing and touching
tenderly. And in the morning we would shower together and he would be
very sensual, he would kiss my forehead and neck a lot as well as
pleasuring me more intimately. We didn't see each other much throughout the
weeks as the months went on, he always emailed or texted me or called me
and we always talked for hours about a variety of topics although we
didn't see each other, but we usually ended up spending our weekends
together. As the months went on he still didn't try to pull anything, he
always told me that I made the rules and how far I wanted to go was up to
me and he would do anything to make me happy. He didn't seem to want
sex, he seemed to really want to get to know me as a person. We would
stay up all night kissing, and end up spending hours and hours in the
shower just touching and kissing.

But it wasn't just physical. We were emotionally connected, the
majority of our time together we spent talking about various issues of depth,
politics, world hunger, etc. He was very knowledgable, unlike any other
man I'd ever met.

He asked me to spend one Friday night with him. He said he wanted to go
to sleep right away becuase he was tired, so I said no if I stay over I
won't let you sleep. He said no I want you to spend the night with me.
I said, I haven't shaved my legs they are really hairy, and he said I
don't care, I want you with me tonight. He was falling asleep so I put
my arms around him and was gently kissing the back of his neck. He
turned around and said mmm, now you're starting to turn me on, and now
you're gonna get it. I teased and said I'm not letting you sleep tonight and
his response was to start kissing me like crazy and we ended up kissing
all night long. He kissed my entire body, every part, and touched me a
little more intimately. The next monring (Saturday) we took a shower
together and he kissed and touched me everywhere all over again but
mainly he kept his eyes on my face and kissed my forehead, lips, cheeks and
shoulders.

W9
ANSWER: Without ever speaking to him, I couldn't tell you if he was afraid of being committed. But from what you say that doesn't appear to be the case, if he was just afraid of being committed I would think that he would just break it off with you, I don't see how this hot and cold reaction to you would play apart. What does it gain him to ignore you one day and want to talk to you the next day if he just wanted to stop seeing you.

I wish I could help you more but all the answers you need lie in him and if you really want to know, I guess the only thing you can do is wait until May and have that talk with him. He's the only one that knows what is going on inside his head and you're going need him to tell you what the problem is.

I hope this helped and good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Thanks for the advice. From what you know, when a man blows hot and cold like this, what usually is the cause of it? He's just not that into her? I mean, he seemed really into me, calling me all the time, and not interested in flirting with other women at all. I don't understand his ambivalence. I'll have to wait until May to find out. But what do you know of ambivalent men and their feelings toward women and relationships?

Answer
From my experience one of two things will cause a man to act the way your friend is acting, either another woman or stress.

You said he doesn't show any interest in other women, and he isn't know to be the womanizing or player type, so we can probably cross that off the list.

The other reason is high stress, and like you said he's really career driven and motivated, so it just may be all the stress from his current test. More than likely, they play a huge role in his life right now and there just might not be enough time in his life for both you and studying for and taking these exams. Right now all you can do is be patient and hopefully after the exams he'll go back to normal.

I would definitely have to say it isn't because he isn't interested in you, no man can go through all the things you two have gone together and show the patience he has shown with you and the loving things he has done for you without be interested in the woman.

So I think it's probably just the stress of these test and him focusing on those so he can assure he has a prominent career and future down the line.