Expert: Sam E - 6/30/2007

Question
There is a long story behind all the questions I have to ask you. I'll start from the beginning. I've been dating my current boyfriend officially for 8 months now, we were always close and even intimate about 5 months before that. We went through a lot of crap to be together. There were many complications concerning our pasts and one of my ex's. I'm very happy to be with him even though we're both young, we're only 18. We had a great time together in the beginning and he made me so happy, and did sweet things for me ect. but within the last 3 months of our relationship we started fighting a lot. He's so preoccupied with doing things like fixing his car. Its all he ever talks about. Its where all his money goes. And sometimes I feel like his stupid car means more to him than I do. It's like I want him to do things like take me out to dinner, or to the movies and he says he has no money but yet he turns around and starts telling me hes getting this for his car, and its going to cost this much to fix it. So just about the time things started getting bad I started cheating on him. It was suppose to be only a one time thing but it's turned into a ongoing thing instead. The guy that I cheated on him with isn't an ex but he's been someone that I've always for lack of a better word "hooked up" with. Ever since I was 15. Basically it's been an on and off thing for the last two years. At first I liked him, but he would always blow me off. So I stopped seeing him. And when I did it was maybe once every 5 or 6 months. It was always a get together have sex, or do whatever thing and then leave. But recently in the last three months things have gotten to be more on a regular basis. Maybe once or twice a month. Not to mention that this guy has a girlfriend that he's been with for a year and a half. He's cheated on a lot of his girlfriends with me at least 2 or 3. This time when we are around each other things seem different. He kisses me goodbye, and kisses and holds my hand and always says stuff about how he wished he would have known the way I used to feel about him. He tells me that he enjoys our conversations. And he says things like how he'd want me to be his girlfriend. And if he wasn't dating his girlfriend now he'd date me. I'm not stupid. And I don't let those things get to my  head. I am grounded when it comes to him. I don't feel like he has any obligations to me, nor do I get jealous about his girlfriend. But instead of just doing sexual things and leaving, we hang out and we talk and watch movies together. We talk on a regular basis as well as friends openly and honestly about everything under the sun. It doesn't help that he lives 2 streets away from my current boyfriend. One time I even stayed the night at his house knowing that we could have gotten caught. I know he's starting to have feelings for me. And I'm starting to develop feelings for him too, maybe even a bit of attachment. But I know that its just sex. And I've tried to tell him that we should stop because we're both in relationships with other people, but he says that it isn't the same with his girlfriend. He described our sex as "passionate and emotional". And I agree to that, but I want things to be straight in my head. Although even after I told him that I still can't stop seeing him. I know I'm not a "cheater" and I know I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend if it weren't for this guy. I just can't figure out for the life of me why I can't stop doing it. I think maybe it might be because I think there is really something between me and this guy that I've been cheating with, or I am just feeling neglected by my boyfriend, and I want him to pay me attention. Like the one I'm cheating with does. So my questions for you are

1. How can I clear things out and stop cheating?

2. How can I ever forgive myself for what I've been doing/feeling?

3. Should I tell my current boyfriend even if I know it may possibly end our relationship?

4. How can I deal with my boyfriend making me feel like I'm not important to him anymore? I've tried talking to him.

5. And what do I say to the guy I've cheated with? Should I tell him that things aren't going anywhere with us, even though I still want to see him? Maybe tell him how I feel? I just want to stop cheating.

Please give me some advise.


Answer
There really is no psychology thinking behind it. Cheating is just that, cheating. The person has no regard for the relationship or his/her partner. There is never a good excuse for it, and it usually means the end for many relationships (or should). The reason being? The person cheating is really not ready for a relationship or not in love with the person he/she is with.
The problems with your relationship is directly related to the cheating. He does not know you cheat, but there will be a difference in you and it has changed the relationship.
My suggestion to you, break up with him. You are not ready for a committed relationship. You have a lot of issues you need to deal with and he should not be hurt like this.
Break it off with both of them. You need to work on you for awhile! Relationships are not based on the other person having to make you feel better about yourself or feel important or wanted. You should be with someone because you love them. Every relationship has bad times and if love is involved in it, cheating will not occur.
End all of your relationships and focus on you and your needs and get those met before you enter into a relationship again or this will keep occuring.
Sam