Expert: Sam E - 7/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: Any help on this situation... Have a girl I've been kind of dating long distance for 3 months (fly back and forth to visit, talk and text daily, numerous times), but we've never had the official dating talk. But she does tell me she loves (a couple of times) and misses me (every time we talk)...and I really believe her. She's even mentioned a bunch of times that I'm the type of guy she'd marry, trying to find a way to move so we can live in the same city, etc....everything seemed great. (She's met the family, they love her, hers loves me.) Long story short, she went away on a trip with some out-of-control friends who were also in relationships (and all of whom cheated by making out with or slept with different guys on this trip), partied like crazy with those friends, and sometime during her trip, said she let a guy go down on her, for 10 seconds or so, before she stopped it and left the room. Says she was kind of drunk, and took her a moment to realize what she was allowing, and made him immediately stop. Never kissed him or slept with him or reciprocated (completely believe her), but she did allow him to do what he did. She is so broken about it, so remorseful, so ashamed, really crushed and an emotional basketcase now, complete contrast to before. Says she doesn't know why she allowed it, but regardless, she did. Says she was confused, immature, immoral, a terrible person, etc. And just starts bawling, when we talk about it, because she is completely in love with me, and it kills her that I have kind of cut her off. She IS young (23), and very naive, and very pretty, so a total target for predators, but no excuse, right? I mean, should I just end things completely with her, tell her to die, and never talk to me again? Do I take her back on a friend basis, telling her it's over, that it's a consequence of her action, but we can still be friends? Or do I give her another chance since I haven't been perfect in my life with girls before, and I AM completely changed now, different, and faithful, unlike the person I was before? I learned my lesson. Do I know if she has? Do I wait around to see? Or do I leave that to the next guy?

ANSWER: Long distance relationships do not works and this the reason why. Unfortunately someone ends up cheating.  Since your relationship is so very new and this is already occurring I would suggest you cut ties and move on.
Find a woman in your area that you can be with.
Remaining friends is really not a good idea either until you both have lost all feelings (romantic).
In the future if there is a chance for you to be near her and you still have a "thing" for each other you can give it a try but for now I would let it go.
Sam

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sam, do you believe in the saying that "Once a cheater, always a cheater"? If it's "already occurring", do you believe that she's even more likely to cheat when things are more established? Unfortunately, these questions are theoretical, as I have made a very, very difficult decision and ended things with her.

Answer
Yes I think if she has been cheating than she will keep on. It gets easier every time.  Cheating is a pretty good indication that they not only have no respect for the relationship, but they really don't like you all too much! I know it hurts but there really is no way to justify cheating. Remember that how you feel about her, is NOT how she feels about you (or she would not have cheated). You love her so it would be unimaginable to cheat, right? Well she is not feeling that same way as you.
You did right by moving on and although it hurts you will thank yourself later when you are with a faithful, loving woman who makes you feel good!
Sam