Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 9/15/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
I have been married almost 2 years. my husband is clean and sober for 2 years. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. we were having good sex and had a lot of fun, I felt we were in the honey moon phase the last 1 1/2 years. then he got a new job and women were giving him lots of attention. he really has a great personality and is good looking. 6 months ago we stopped having sex. we both thought we were in a slump and we just didnt feel like it. we joked about it and I wasnt worried because he still acted like he was very happy. then last month I found out he was cheating with one of his co-workers for the last 5 months. we are trying to work through this and he says he cant promise it wont happen again untill he figures out why he did this. he says when a women strokes his ego just right he dosent know how to deal with it. I love him very much and I hope we can work through this, the biggest struggle I have is why did he quit having sex with me and then had it with someone else. he says he dosent know and second I want to go back to having sex and he still wont have sex with me, he just makes up excuses. This makes me feel so diregarded and that something is wrong with me. it is killing me. I have gained weight since we were married and last month I had a surgery for weight lose and I hope it will help to lose weight and give me confidence. I reaaly want this to work. my family is devastataed as well, my grown daughter and sister really like him and now they feel betrayed. he says he did nothing to them just me, but I feel he hurt them to and needs to make amends with them as well. I am really confused and hope you can shed some light on this. I want my marriage and life back. thank you

ANSWER: I am very sorry that you are going through this situation.  It is extremely hurtful.  People cheat because they are looking for something to fill the appetite or void between desire that satisfaction.  It is usually an emotional void.  Many people innocently flirt on a healthy level.  Unfortunately, flirting sometimes leads to unhealthy emotional relationships that may lead to infidelity.  If your husband found a friend that he became emotionally close to, he may have seen something in her that fulfilled a void in him that has never been filled before.  She may not have all of the attributes that he truly needs, but at least for one period in time, she was able to make a suitable substitute.  When people cheat and become involved in sexual relationships, the sex is not usually about sex at all.  It is an emotional extension of the need for acceptance and the need to be needed. Sadly, when your husband became involved with this woman he became very committed to her on an emotional level.  Because of this, he had to stop having sex with you because he was unconsciously committed to the other woman.  By having sex with you is was cheating on her.  I know that may seem sick, but the unconscious mind is very powerful.  He was very nice to you because if he is nice you would not suspect his infidelity.  I do not believe that he is not having sex with you right now because of your weight.  In fact, his bad acts have very little to do with you at all.  If he loves you that does not matter.  Your marriage can work if you two are willing to be completely honest and to put all issues on the table and talk it our.  The main problem with this is the fact that affairs are so heavily shrouded is lies that it may be difficult to get to the truth.  He lies because he does not want to hurt you and is  afraid of your reaction.  Honestly your relationship can work but the trust must be rebuild and the lies have to stop.  It will take work and time.  Good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much. I have told him i forgive him and I really do. but there is so much pain that I am so afraid it will happen again. Its so hard to forget what happened and I tell him I want to go back like we were and I want him to touch me and give me that physical touch we once had. I am trying to be patient but then anger sets in because I dont feel he is really hearing me. do you think that he should try and make amends with my daughter and sister. shouldnt he be man enough to owe up to his mistakes to all that are involved. any tips on how to help me deal with the physical aspect, I feel so rejected and so disregarded. and yes it hurt when you said he quit having sex with me because he didnt want to cheat on her. I know what you mean, but it still hurts and when do i come first? anyhow I am trying so hard to deal with all this because I do beleive he is a good man and I do love him. thanks for your time.

Answer
The only way you can really move on as a couple is with trust.  The pain, loneliness, and distrust will always be there until he decides to stop cheating.  Because of his actions, he must start by refusing to be friends with woman at all until he knows that he can control himself.  He may get mad, but you must ask, even beg, for him to focus on you alone.  As for you family, he is not married to your family.  He needs to reconcile with you completely.  If fixing things with your family is part of that then that is something that he must eventually do.  It should not be your main focus though.  It can work but he has to be done.  It is extremely important to keep you marriage alive, but, it is definitely a two way street.  If he does not decide to stop it you will always be in pain.