Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 9/20/2007

Question
QUESTION: my name is jennifer and i cheated on my boyfriend about 2months ago. he says he has forgiven me and even asked me to marry him but it seems that every couple days he keeps bringing this horrible thing that i did back up again. i feel awful for what i have done and wish in this short brake we were taking at that time it would have never happened. i know i can't expect him to just forget about it but he wants every little detail and it makes me so uncomfortable even talking about more or less how it was,was he bigger and better. so if you could please let me know if i'm in the wrong to not want to talk about it or how do i explain to him that in order for us to move on and can not be in our everyohter day agenda for things to talk about. if you can give me any advice that would be great thank you for your time.
jen

ANSWER: You are right.  It is impossible for him to forgive and forget. The forgiveness part may come easy if he truly loves you.  The problem with the forget part is that he never will.  It will enter his mind less and less over time, but for the first few months (at least 6) it will be a constant burden for him.  Believe me, he is not talking about it every time he thinks about it.  Now, on the other side of the coin, if you are sorry about what happened and do not want to deal with it anymore, it would be nice if he could give you a break.  He is asking for details because he is uncertain about everything right now.  He is insecure, hurt, and embarrassed.  By gathering unnecessary facts, he will be able, at least in his mind, to piece together what happened and why. Once he has a full picture he will be able to get over it.  Unfortunately this act is extremely unhealthy and  damaging.  In the beginning you have to put up with his requests.  But, remember, you are in control of what you say.  Don't get caught up in lying about what happened, just do not go into grave detail.  If he wants to know if the guy was larger, or a better lay... just tell him the it wasn't all that, and that you thought about him the whole time.  Not in a gross way but that once you got into the situation you felt horrible and could not get him off your mind.  If that is not what happened just take this as an example.  Try not to go to deep though.  He may be asking for details but he really does not want to hear it.  He wants to hear that you love him and will never do it again.  In time the subject will fade to the rear.  It may come up but will not be often.  Good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Do you have any suggestions on how I can reassure him that i love him dearly and that i will NEVER do anything like this ever again. Because i will NOT he is the man i want to spend the rest of my days with and i just would like to ease his mind. I know this will all take time but i hate seeing him suffer like this and doubting my sincerity of my love and commitment.

thank you again,
Jen

Answer
Do what ever feels right.  You should include lots of light touching, eye contact, and kind words.  Like I said before, you must do these things without smothering him.  You may feel uncomfortable at first because it will feel contrived.  You may also feel nervous about how he will react.  The thing is a man who has gone through this situation needs to be loved and needed; but, there has to be a line... you can not kiss his butt.  You must enjoy loving him.  You must want him to love you.  If so, it should, over time, start to feel good to make him feel good.  Although he is suffering, mostly because of his own insecurities, and because of the mental movies that he keeps replaying in his head;  he will come around if you are patient.  Again, the thing that you must focus on is Loving Your Man.  He will reciprocate.