Expert: Sam E - 11/28/2006

Question
Hello,
my ex boyfriend and I started out as roomates. I moved in with him and his teenager.We quickly fell for eachother and started dating soon after that. He is almost 20 years older than I, but we definitely did not have a "sugardaddy/pretty young moron relationship.He was not wealthy,nor I a gold-digger.We got along incredibly well and sincerely enjoyed eachother's company.I thought we could work through it. About 5 months into things,we were out one night at a bar and an attractive woman began chatting us up.She was allover us,giving us compliments about how attractive we were, giving us massages,all of that.I was becoming very uncomfortable which eventually turned to anger. It was obvious that she wanted to sleep with us,and although my boyfriend did occasionally swing (he admitted that he liked to watch his girlfriend's with other guys and eventually I obliged),I made it very clear that another woman would never be allowed in my bed, and he swore that that was absolutely fine.Anyway,this is going on for about 45 minutes.I am being polite but definitely not as outgoing as usual.He keeps asking if something is wrong because I'm usually far more talkative.Finally he says to her, "why don't you come up to our place for a drink". Now I am furious because I already see what's happening here.I was very hurt,but I had to see it all play out.I had only known him for about 6 months so I wanted to see what kind of person he was. As we were walking to our place,he whispers "you don't like her do you?" I looked at him and didn't say a word. I was fuming.Once we got inside, I made an excuse that I had to leave for a few minutes. I went to a local bar and had a drink,trying to figure things out. I didn't know how to feel but I knew I was angry.Of course when I returned she was on his lap with her bra off. I was absolutely devastated,the most incredible pain.. What hurt the most was that we had been having sexual problems which started about 2 months before.He would make up excuse after excuse not to have sex with me.I would try everything-sexy clothes, talking dirty,lotions,potions,roleplay,movies. Nothing helped,but I was open to work through it, that's why I was so hurt when I walked in on that. I lost it and was trying to beat her senseless. He was yelling at me to stop because the police would be there soon,he was pulling me off of her telling her to get out. He grabbed me, slammed me on the couch and pinned my arm behind my back.It was painful,I couldn't breathe and I was shocked.Then he said to me "if you don't stop I'm going to punch you in the mouth". He continued to be angry claiming that I'd set him up, he didn't do anything except lick her breasts and he wasn't going to fuck her.He says that to this day,and claims that he was telling her "you're going to have to get off of me". I was so angry, yelled and screamed and began packing my things and left. We fought up until my leaving and he claimed that I wanted to leave all along and that I did this on purpose.As I was in the cab on my to someones house, I called him back crying and he cried too saying he was sorry and to please come back.I found out later from his daughter that he laid on the couch crying,saying he didn't know what he would do without me.I came back that night but we barely spoke for the next week.He apologized,bought me flowers,wrote me a beautiful letter about how he would never hurt me again and of course that he didn't cheat and didnt intend to sleep with her (yeah ok).Things gradually became normal again,we even pooled our money and went to disney world together, but I never got over that. Even when I thought I had,my anger would resurface. And our sex life did not improve and I couldnt help feeling like it was me he wasn't attracted to.He swears that that's not the case and has admitted to having ED, but I would have been willing to work through that or anything else had he not cheated. We hadn't even been together very long before that happened.What's more is I'm pretty, 25,kind, generous and loved him very much. 7 months went by and I just couldnt get over it. We would rehash it again and again.He would apologize,I would claim to be over it but I wasn't and I'm not.I decided to call it quits a few weeks ago. I'm still hurt  but more importantly,I don't trust him at all. I don't believe that this wouldnt happen again and I'm tired of living with that terrible feeling of not trusting someone. Wondering where they are,what they're doing,if their getting too chummy with people at work,etc. I had never thought that way about him before, and after that incident,those feelings of distrust plague me. I shouldnt have to feel that way.I'm suffering for his mistake.I feel terrible because I kept telling him "I'm over it" and then getting angry again but he pushed for us to stay together even when I told him I needed some space. Do you think I'm being ridiculous? It doesn't matter how many times he says he's sorry and will never do it, I just don't trust him and can't be with someone I don't trust. Am I being unfair? Finally, we still talk all the time,almost every day (he calls) and hang out occasionally. I don't think that's wise right now and I've told him, but he says "let's just go with it." I have absolutely no interest in getting back with him and I've made that clear.Is it wrong to be friends so soon? I don't want to lead him on. But he say's that he would be hurt if I stopped talking to him altogether.He definitely wants us to get back together and as much as I care for him,I hate cheating.It's not that I think he wants to cheat and hurt me,it's just that the incident showed me poor judgement for a man of his age,and that he needs boundaries that I cannot provide (I don't intend to be anyone's babysitter) Any input you have would be so helpful,anything at all. I'm open to all advice and criticism. So sorry this is so long.  

Answer
I would suggest that you not be friends right now. That is seen as a foot in the door and he won’t stop until you either take him back or tell him to get out of your life. It is so much easier to just end it and cut off all ties now.
So he’ll be hurt because you won’t talk to him, so what! You need to do what is best for you. This is your life, not his. You need to think about you and what will be best for you. Move on.
He can only make you feel bad if you let him.  This guy is only going to hurt you. It is not worth it. Follow your intuition. It is like a sixth sense and it is rarely wrong. I wouldn’t waste another second on him. He is a grown man behaving like a teenager. Why waste your time and energy on that?   
Lastly, anytime another person is brought into a relationship you can pretty much guarantee that it will end in disaster. Once you "go there", there is no going back.  He has shown the classic signs of a cheater and of someone who is NOT  going to be sexual fulfilled by having a “normal” sexual relationship with one woman.    No matter what he says or does now, there is no way you can go back and have a normal relationship. His words are just that, words. They mean nothing. His actions have already shown you all you need to know!
It would be in your best interest to cut the ties and say bye, bye!
Hope this helps and write me anytime!
Sam