Expert: Sara - 1/9/2005

Question
I have been with a man 24 yrs of age for 1 1/2 now. I walked out on him in October (because blacked my eye some time ago, and I feared that he would do it again) and he said he wanted an uncommited relationship because of it. He would say that I should trust hime to be arounnd females without sleeping with them even though he cheated before.We agreed that we would only sleep with eachother, but that didn't happen. Since then he's had females calling him constantly. He would always say don't blame him for there actions they were just friends. I began to believe him in an effort to trust him. I had accused him several times for different reasons what I saw, hearsay, but now in the new year, still uncommited he has confessed to sleeping with 8 women in the past year. Everything I thought he was doing, he did.One lives right next door to him and got put out of her house for talking to him all the time while living under her boyfriends mothers roof.I found pics of her, and caught them laying fully clothed on the bed together last month, with my candle lit! I don't know what he told her, but she looked at him puzzled when I got hysterical and he told her to go down stairs. Another girl stays in the same house and they all see me almost everyday with him. 3 of these females all know they are vying for his sexual attention and talk about it amongst themselves. I feel like a fool, but appreciate his honesty and his need to stop lying to me because he wanted to punish me for leaving him. I have said nothing to these women yet, he told them that he has informed me of all his indiscrection. He said some of it was because I accussed him before it happened - based on what I saw. They don't know that he has let the cat out the bag because he so called wants to start over with me they just know he stopped lying to me. They sit and wait for me to leave so they can sleep with him (3) of them. I stay there 3 and 4 days at a time! They can hear are constant love making. They are all younger than me I'm 29 this month) and have no jobs, and some have children. He says they make him feel accepted, and give him what I won't. Then he has a fear that I may not have been fully honest about my male friend, that I am not sleeping with. He said he would to cut them all off, and he was honest with me about telling them that they would be together. He said he dilibertly hurt meand wanted to punish me by not rekindling our relationship and sleeping with these women. I asked him if he talked to the one next door, he told her that he told me the truth, but supposedly she didn't know the whole story about me. He said he told them that I know now, he still has not told them all that he will not see them anymore. He told them in the begining that I am his first proirity and that if they want to be around him the must accept me.What should I say to these women, or girls in this case? some of this stems from his not having a job, and my being a little educated. Those young girls have no idea that he is about to be evicted, and has nothing except what I gave him the whole time we lived together.  I am confused, and I think I want to try and work this out in a commited relationship, he says let him cut them all off and we can do that. I am hurt, and the hurt is getting in the way. What should I do?  

Answer
Hey there! The only thing that I kept thinking as I was reading your question was, "why are you still with him!?!?!" Honestly! I know that I don't know you but I'm sure that you are a smart beautiful woman who deserves more than this! I'm suprised that no one has said that to you yet! I know that sometimes love can feel so whole and that you don't think you could live without it (and trust me, I have been in your shoes!) but there really will be someone better out there for you! Someone that will treat you the way you need and deserve to be treated! He may say that he loves you, and he might, but if he is sleeping with other girls just to get back at you, then I really don't think that he's still "in love" with you. And maybe you might be feeling the same way! You need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself if you're really still in love with HIM, or the idea of HIM....what he used to be. I know that the idea of him leaving the other girls sounds like it will help and it will work but I honestly don't think it will. Especially if one is living next door. I really hate to say this but by the sounds of it, he may be wanting to get back together with you to have a place to live...Did you not say that he was getting evicted? Where is he planning to go when that happens? I know that this may not be what you wanted to hear but it is what I'm honestly getting from this. Please be smart and think about what I've told you. If you need someone to talk to, you can write to my personal email ( cackbar@hotmail.com But be sure to write "allexperts" in the subject area so I know it's not junk mail!) and I'll be glad to help you in any way that I can! Good luck and please let me know how you're doing!
Sara.