Expert: Ini Obong - 3/23/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question -
Hi

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and have been together 14 years with 2 wonderful kids aged 9 & 5.

We have had many ups and downs and recently, she has told me that she no longer loves me. I was obviously devistated.

I have noticed how unhappy she was and she stated that she deserved better and felt trapped!? I agreed to separate even though I still love her

I suspect that she is seeing someone else as she has changed her behaviour as follows -

Really looking after herself - running every other day and eating healthy - I have noticed that she has lost maybe a 1.5 stone

Gets angry with me and the kids for no reason on a very regular basis

Very upbeat mood - just like being in love in the very early days, dancing around to music all time

No sex - for the last 6 months

Can't bear me close to her

Won't talk to me about anything

Secret phone calls with closed doors! Mobile phone never leaves her side now where as she used to leave it around the house

Deletes text messages - never used to before

Working late regularly - when I phone her land line, it go to answer machine and she doesn't answer her mobile. When I asked questions she said she was working on presentation, but why doesn't she answer her phone when I assume she is at her desk?

Can't ask her any questions re. above as she just gets angry and states "None of your business!"

It's obvious that she doesn't love me any more as she has stated her demands re. wanting nearly all the equity from our home when we sell it! She doesn't seem to care that I will really struggle with what's left over from the break!

She has also stated that if I don't meet her demands that she will take it to the solicitors and it will be my fault that the kids will suffer as a consiquence of my action!!

I honestly can't see what I've done wrong and although she has said it's not you it's me!! I should have left you a long time a go and she's angry with herself for giving us a chance!!?

Please help

Does it sound to you that there is someone else?

Many thanks

Dave
Answer -
Hi Dave,

I really feel for you but let me clear two things
1. If she says its not you its her, thats a lie. Its YOU! Everyone need love and attention.
2. Its so sad but it is obvious that she is having an affair. I wonder who the bastard she is cheating with.

Now we need to find out what the problem is? It is obvious you want to save the marriage and i believe that is the right thing. I suggest you woo her all over again.Tell her that, Even if you plan to part, you need to learn to communicate Take her out for dinner or something and get her to talk. Ask for her candid opinion of you;  what you are good at and what you need to improve upon. From her response you would get ideas of where things went wrong.

Afterwards you need to see a counsellor, first individually then two of you together.

Does she goes to church? You could invite your pastor or someone to advice on how to resolve issues.

But you must be deteremined. There is nothing like irreconcilable differences! if two people are determined, any relationship can be worked out.

I wish you all the best. Please which country do you live in?




Hi and thanks for your prompt reply.

I live in the UK

The more I think about what has happenned the more I think it's the right decision to go our separate ways, especially if there is someone else!

I just feel so gutted that after all my efforts to make the relationship work, it means nothing if they are not appreciated!

Worse thing about what has happenned is how she is treating me, with no guilt what so ever and that she couldn't care less if I end up living in a cardboard box! That for me is not LOVE!

Maybe it's a cruel to be kind scenario?

She has however, agreed that I can have joint custody of the kids which makes the bitter pill easier to swallow but I do think this is more for her benefit if she has a new partner, than mine or the kids for that matter!

Many thanks

Dave

Answer
Hi,

I understand your feeling of wanting to go separate ways but believe me it is better you seek counselling together. She is just being unreasonable and she needs guidance. Such silly behaviour overcome different people at different times.

Please just give it a try and after 2, 3 or even 5 years, when you look back, you would be glad you did.

I wish you all the best

Regards