Expert: Don - 7/7/2007

Question
I have been with my boyfriend now for 2 years (we have been living together for about a year).  When I met him he was in a relationship that he said was "over" even before he met me.  I started hanging out with him but told him he had to either break up with "her" or me.  So, slowly (and I mean over 3 months) he broke up with her, said she was a mess, depressed, etc...but chose me.  Several months after this, I checked his phone while he was out.  I found some VERY suggestive text messages from a girl he was working with (he had saved the messages under another name - but the girl had said her name in one of the messages so I knew who it was).  I told him I looked in his phone and found the texts and he came clean, saying she was just feeding his ego, that he had not had so many younger women pay attention to him in his whole life (all the girls including myself are under 30 - he is 50) - he had been going to the gym, etc.  Fine.  He assured me that he was texting her but never physically touched her, met up with her outside of work, etc.  I told him to erase the messages and again, gave him the option - her or me.  He chose me and actually called the girl while I was there and told her he couldn't associate with her anymore.  About 6 months later, similar (but less suggestive) texts showed up from the same girl around his birthday and he blamed that on the fact that it was his birthday.  Fine, I let that slide again.  Then, he tells me his ex sent him some texts coincidentally on a day we were arguing.  He said he told his ex she "must still be connected to me" and after I flipped out said he only told her that because he wanted to make her feel good.  Why does he feel the need to make other women feel good about themselves?  Now, the icing on this cake of tales is that a few months ago I was away for a friends wedding.  I came home to find (I'll admit to a little snooping) that he had called an escort service and tried to get a girl to come over and have sex with him.  He was severely intoxicated (I could tell by talking with him that same night) and says nothing happened, that he just wanted to have sex.  Now, we have what we've both said that our sex is the best sex of our lives and I don't understand why he can't wait 2 days to have sex and calls an escort service!  He blames it all on alcohol but I'm not sure I belive it.  He withdrew $300 from his account, took a viagra (we have a stash at home) and had a bottle of tequila and I'm supposed to believe he didn't sleep with anyone while I was gone.  I have no real proof, he has no explanation other than he was drunk and the next morning was severely apologetic for his actions.  I don't know why he would lie when all the other times he has come clean and I've believed him.  I just don't know if I'm wasting my time or if he just has this ego that needs feeding and I'm not doing a good enough job.  He's told me he loves women, he's a flirt and that even though he knows it bothers me, will continue to look at other women - because he's a guy.  I don't know what to do.  I feel at times I should leave, then other times I feel he really is telling me the truth.  His reasoning for all of this, in every situation, is that he intended to do something but didn't.  He didn't actually physically cheat on me.  So that is supposed to be enough.  He gets mad when I bring any of this up, he thinks I should be over it and I don't know if I am or if I ever will be.  I have my moments where I'm fine, I don't really care and I believe him.  But then, when I want a little reassurance (even though it's 3 mos later) he gets mad.  Which also sends up a red flag for me.  I hate to end something that makes me happy most of the time just becase I think he's cheated - not that he really has.  HELP!

Answer
Planning is just as good as cheating in my opinion. There is no reason why your boyfriend should be having any kind of suggestive text messages with other woman. I'm not going say he shouldn't be able to talk to other women at all but when it crosses the friends boundary, then it's violating your relationship.

Your problem is that you keep letting him get away with little indiscretions and the more you let him get away with the bolder he has gotten. It started with text messages but now he's calling escort services, that's over the top. Because even if he didn't physical sleep with the escort the fact that he would even call a service up is bad enough.

That's like saying he was on his way to have sex with another woman but his car broke down so he never slept with her, it doesn't change the fact that he had ever intention to sleep with her.

You need to get your boyfriend in line especially if you want to stay apart of this relationship. He needs to know that it's not okay with you that he is doing some of the things he is doing. You can't keep letting him get away with small things, because if you do he'll think he can get away with doing more and more.

So sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship.

I hope this helped and good luck.