Expert: Sam E - 12/19/2006

Question
Thank you for your response, it really does makes me feel  better, and while I agree,  I would none-the-less like to run a few more details by you.

First, I'll give you soem background and tell you about our conversation where this concern came to light(it was a bit intense, but I wouldn't call it an argument). She got a promotion at work not long ago and a job offer somewhere else, she was exited about the opportunities and we celebrated. However, for some time after she wasn't sleeping very well and would toss-and turn all night, she said she was agonizing over the job decision. I've always been encouraging for her career growth, but lately I've been a bit self focused with my own work and I haven't truly listened to things she's been wanting to tell me about, I knew I was in the wrong and wanted to make it up to her, but I didn't know she was seriously concerned to the point where it lead. During this time, I was a little short and suspicious regarding two incidents, one, she met a contact from her prospective employer for coffee late in the evening while I was out of town on business (although she did call and tell me before and after), two, she was out late at a work holiday party and didn't call to let me know (she was out till almost midnight, usualy those don't go later than 9). I was mildly upset about both, but I've never before been suspecious so I shrugged both off and didn't give it a second thought (turns out perhaps my mild concerns under the circumstances may have felt resistrictive to her and she was passively [I hope] rallying against the restrictive feeling of that and our impending marriage). The next days were like normal, we talked hung out, had sex, etc.  

Then she was quiet one evening, she wanted to talk, she said she was having second thoughts about the marriage plans and thats why she had been upset and not sleeping, the job stress was only part of it. I made every effort to be understanding, although I felt blind-sided, but I was insistent that she make a decision whether we were moving forward with our relationship or splitting up (probably the wrong approach, since in retrospect the dialogue has been better for us). I pressed the issue of her doubts, my feeling was the she wouldn't be wanting to back off our long relationship... unless there was someone else. She at first wanted to work things out, but there was a hesitation in her decision that really upset me.  I posed a hypothetical asking if she seriously thought she could be (or had been) swept off her feet by another man and taken off to a hotel for a sexual encounter (I know, bad form on my part).  She responded that that senario "sounds" absurd but with an odd hesitation, although that could be in my head, the whole night sent my emotions reeling. Eventually she confessed, in tears, that she was thinking about dating other men, I was incredulous that she could be that upset over "thoughts" seemed like either she's a saint, or afraid to tell me everything. Her guilt just seemed out of proportion to the minor transgression she confessed, I worry she was trying to tell me that she had cheated, but could not get the nerve to hurt my feelings. She said she wanted to end our relationship out of a professed fear that she would stray or leave me eventually and didn't want to hurt me later, but then she'd switch and say she really wanting to make things work.  At one point she even said she wished she had cheated so that it would be easy to just break up over it, but she hadn't and was just worried that she may do it, she had thought she may have felt this way for weeks, or maybe months, she wasn't sure but it had started to really upset her. She specified a particular person who had asked her out and she felt guilty of considering it, She would not tell me the name of person she was thinking of, but it was a co-worker. That she would hide the details of a mere date proposition she considered seemed odd.

Eventually, emotions died down, we talked rationally, agreed to back off the pressure of the wedding and enjoy dating and being together, after a weekend of running around with each other and going to holiday parties, she was wearing her engagement ring again and discussing our future together. I promised that had no issues of forgiving her if all she had done is think of someone else and not act on it, and she promised she'd forgive herself for having thought it (which seemed odd to me, because thinking of someone else isn't a big deal, is it?)

Since then we talk a lot more, and I listen a lot better, it was a wake up call that I had become complacent and was taking her for granted.

The problem though: I work late often, she has a lot of dinner-party work events, we both travel for work every few months. My suspicions well up and take over while I'm away from her, I resist the temptation to talk to her or bother her with it, I want to keep everything positive between us, and like you said I want to give her her space, but my seemingly irrational worry is becoming really painful and even hurting my productivity at work.

My worry is two-fold: 1)Although I certainly don't think she had an on-going "affair" (she's never seemed like she's sneaking off at night or on the weekends or anything, despite our careers we still spend a lot of time together) but I can't shake the "what if" feeling that she had a fling (which is patently out-of-character for her)while I wasn't being as good of a man for her as I should have been. Its like, if she had I want to know, even though it would hurt but I need to know and then do my soul searching, but I don't think she would tell me because a) it would hurt me b) it would truly end our relationship and I think we both want it to go on, but if something already has happened, I don't think it can.  2) I'm more worried about what "might have" happened, but part of me worries about what will happen, and I worry about whether I can trust her in the future when we are both away on business.

She always professed that she abhors the idea of cheating no matter what, every time it comes up in movies or sit-coms she's always commented that... she hasn't lately though, and usually feels a bit uncomfortable with movies with relationship issues like that lately.

I feel horrible that either I'm suspicious over nothing and she's totally innocent and my doubt alone feels like a betrayal or that the women I thought I knew better than anyone else is an incredibly malicious liar.

Anyway, I agree with your advice because its best for our relationship... but I'm concerned what's best for ME. It upsets me so much, and a dialogue with her helps, but I want to avoid accusing her, I want our time together to be positive because most likely my nagging suspicious is stupid and I would just be hurting our relationship.  

Is there a way I can approach the subject without hurting her? If she had cheated, would she have told me during our "conversation"? What can I do to accept that the answer she's already given (that she never cheated) is the honest answer? Some times I feel like I need professional counseling, maybe not so much for the relationship, but for my own issues, would that be good or would counseling make our relationship a chore? Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I am often accused of being a hypochondriac.

Thanks again
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I'll keep this short, but its complicated. My Fiance and I have been together seven years, since early college, we are both young, successful, professionals now.  Over the past month we've started to grow distant with concerns over work, etc. but we recognized this and are working to focus on each other better. However, she was upset one night and wanted to back out of our marriage plans, she felt she's not ready because she felt guilty about having thoughts about other men. I pressed the issue, as politely as possible, and I believe her that she never had an affair, but I cannot shake the suspicion. Our relationship "feels" back on track, and although there were some warning signs (she bought new sexy underwear, and mentioned wanting a boob-job which she was always against) by and large the sex is great still, and we still have conversations about our future.  She is an honest person, and its tearing me up that I still have doubts about her fidelity after this. What can I do to be sure? or just get past it?
-----Answer-----
Sometimes when we are with someone for a long period of time (especially when it started early in life) we start to freak out a little.  We feel like we might not be making the right choice and maybe we should seek out other options. Most people will only think about it, never act.  Her fear and guilt is normal and from what you tell me I don’t think she is cheating or has cheated. Her actions certainly made you wonder about her  fidelity, but I don’t think you should worry.
I think the best thing you can do is give her space. Don’t push for any more info, don’t bring up marriage and don’t let her know your suspensions.
If she is having doubts about the relationship eventually it will come out, but for now, I think all is well.
If things start changing and you need some more help feel free to write me back.
Sam

Answer
I always say, instincts are rarely wrong and you must have been picking up on something. Sometimes people can do things that are so subtle we don’t register it as a warning, but our sub-conscience picks up on it and stores it away. There must be something going on either in her actions, or her words that had led you to believe that there is trouble ahead.
After what you just told me, I get the feeling that she might not want to be in this relationship anymore or not sure about it and she may be having a hard time telling you and  sorting out her feelings.
I’m not sure if sitting face to face with her and asking her straight out is a good idea. She seems very timid and perhaps having a hard time saying what she feels and what she wants.
I suggest on her next trip or yours that you email her. Ask her if she is wanting to have a trail separation. Word this email in a very neutral way. Don’t use words that imply you will be be upset, hurt, or very mad. You want her to be honest and she wont be if she knows that you will fly off the handle. You have to keep this email very calm.
Example:
Dear so and so,
We have been slowly growing apart. I know we the stress of our jobs and (whatever else is going on). I get the feeling that you may want to separate from me for awhile and see how you feel. You might need space and I'm not giving it. I will completely understand if this is what you want to do. I am willing to do whatever you feel like needs to be done here.  
Love,
so and so
It is simple, straight forward and there is little emotion in it. The less emotion the better. The email is not threating to her because it is not face to face nor does she have to hear your voice. She can open up more on an email.
If she says yes, than you still need to remain calm. If you make her stay because of guilt or whatever else she will only end up cheating and tearing you apart even worse.
All she may need see space so give her whatever she needs, Remember that no matter how hard it hurts, you can't make someone love you and if it is over than its over no matter what you say or do.
Now she may be just fine and its all in your mind. This email  you send her should answer your questions.
Good luck and I hope all works out for you. Write me back anytime
Sam