Expert: Amanda L. - 3/23/2004

Question
Amanda,

It's been a month since I cheated on my long distance girlfriend of a few months, and within the past week, the guilt has been mounting. I don't concern myself so much with the fact that I cheated - the fling lived and died that night. We both have had active sexual lives, so flings aren't uncommon to us. What bothers me most of all is that I have something to hide from my girlfriend. We have a very open and honest relationship.

We are considering moving in with me here this summer, ending the long distance thing. To make matters worse, the girl I slept with is dating my good friend, and all my friends know of the situation, making interaction between my girlfriend and my friends potentially awkward this summer.

As my love grows for this girl, I am reminded more and more that I am not being fully honest with her. She's casually asked if I've kissed other girls, and I've had to say no. I would like to tell her and forget about it instantly, if only to clear my head. I also hope that my guilt will pass with time, and I can get back to loving my girl without being haunted.

With this instance removed, our relationship is stellar. Telling her might end it all in an instant. It may make our bond stronger. My guilt may not subside with revealing myself. Keeping it inside compromises my values, and may change my behavior in the relationship, as I feel it has to a small extent thus far.

Should I be open and honest about my infidelity, and let her determine our relationship's fate, hoping everything will slide? Or do I keep it inside and hope my feelings of guilt will pass with time?  

Answer
Tim,

First of all let me apoligize IMMENSELY for the late reply, I'm a college student and with 2 weeks left of school homework is killing me right now.
Ok, so onto your question,

Thats a really difficult situation. But honestly, I think that you should come clean. But if you're going to do it you need to make sure she just listens. Don't allow her to speak until you've finished talking. If she interrupts your train of thought with her thoughts facts will get jumbled and end up making things worse.
Make sure that no matter what, she understands that it lived and died that night. I don't know whether this statement is true or not, but tell her that the fact that things between u and her were getting pretty serious kind of scared you and that you fled to someone else, but once you realized that all you could think about was the guilt you needed to come clean.
Chances are once u come clean its going to be pretty difficult for her to trust you, but just be understanding. Trust is easily lost and hard to gain back.
You need to tell her that she means so much to you and you wouldn't be telling her this if you didn't want to get it out in the air and move on. Things like that.
That's the best advice I can give you. Honesty is the key!

Amanda L.