Expert: Sam E - 6/14/2007

Question
I'm a male humanitarian aid worker who got engaged last June, 2006.  My fiance and I have been together since 1998, and during most of this time I have been working overseas in Africa helping refugees, etc while she stayed in the USA.  We kept it alive by seeing each other for at least one week every three months, and spent 1.5 yrs living together through mos of this period.  I love my fiance and have always wanted to marry her, but kept postponing the engagement until I felt I was more financially secure (which I'm still not).  We have been working a long-distance relationship all this time and now, after getting engaged, I cheated on her in a moment of weakness; I was in Africa working with Darfur refugees while she was in the USA waiting for my return. I don't want to make that as my excuse, but it was extremely stressful and depressing work at most times, and the touch of a woman was so comforting.  She knows, and now we are on the rocks.  I want to grow old with her, but don't know how to fix it.... or even if I can or should.  Any thoughts?

Answer

Long distance relationships rarely work and that is why. Loneliness gets the best of us. Being apart does not make the heart grow founder.
First off, does she even want to work on this or is she done?
If she is willing to forgive and move forward, great. If not give her the space and time she asks for. If she wants this over than it’s over.
If you both want to work on it understand it will take time. You will need to answer all of her questions and be patient with her. Counseling will help. I also suggest you be together. Now that you are on the rocks and apart, the chances of patching it up is very slim. You may need to separate until you can be with each other. Long distance relationships don’t last and since you have already cheated you need to do whatever it takes now. Don’t wait until you are  financially stable. That day will never come. Talk with her and ask what she wants. If she is ready to marry, do it! Talk, talk, talk and make sure you are 100% honest.
Hope this helps,
sam