Expert: Sam E - 3/29/2007

Question
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 3 years now, the problem started when we were going out for about 1 year and a half.  For one reason or another she ended up telling me she cheated on me when we first started going out.  She only kissed another guy at a party when she was drunk (that was all).  It was when we first started to go out and she was really sorry for it and has been honest and very out there about making it up to me because she loves me so much.  She has done everything down to calling me when she goes out all night and not drinking too much because i asked her not too, everything right by me.  The only thing is ever since I havent been able to trust her like i used to but i know in my heart she is sorry and will never do it again.  My question would be if there is anyway possible how would i start trusting her again to avoid the arguements and tension in our relationship?  

Answer
This type of jealousy comes from insecurities and the only way to really improve is to start to building up your self esteem and to work through your fears.
First, worse case is that she cheats again. There is nothing you can do about this.  You are making matters worse by giving her rules to follow. Although it may seem to be working and not a problem it is. You have to know that if she does cheat you won’t be able to stop her. No matter how many rules or how watchful you are. The fact that she is not cheating now is not because of the rules but because she love you.  Eventually these rules will become a problem to her and right now, they are a problem to you. If she does not call you will freak out, right?  You need to let her be. Let her do what she wants. If she cheats, she cheats.You will just pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Dwelling on this will only make you miserable and it’s pointless to stress. “Rules” do not stop people from cheating. Love you stop her from cheating and  if she cheats that tell you she doesn’t love you so moving on becomes a lot easier! As you know, your consent fear of her cheating or suddenly realizing that she doesn’t love you, is not only destroying you, it is destroying your relationship.
Fact is, if she decided one day she was done with you, can you stop her? Can you make her love you? No. All you can do is worry about yourself and your actions. Freaking out on her does not make her stay with you. It does not make her love you more. It does not control her and keep her from cheating. Remember this, no matter what you say or do, you can't make her stay. Shee stays because she wants to and she will leave because he wants to. Once you truly understand this you can start to overcome this.
Lastly and most important, take the focus off of her and put it on you. When you find yourself thinking about this, STOP!  Refocus. That is why having a hobby is so extremely important. When you start to obsess on this, stop and go do your hobby. If it’s running, run. If its writing, go write. Whatever it might be.  If you don’t have a hobby, get one! Hobbies also build self-esteem. Working out is a  great hobby because you can refocus and get your body in shape! You can also do it anywhere at anytime! You may have to refocus a hundred times a day at first, but after awhile it will lessen and before you know it, it will not be in your mind again. Start working your self. Go back to school, go the gym, whatever you decide you want to do.  Build your self-esteem. AND understand that we can’t control other people. The only person you can control is yourself.
Hope this helps,
Sam