Expert: Bruce D. Frank - 10/17/2007

Question
I'm 25 now and I met my girlfriend over 3 years ago. We started dating and things heated up pretty fast. 6 months after we started dating I found out that she had been cheating on me with another guy for the first 3 months of our relationship. I was actually the "other guy" and she cheated on him with me. She had since ended that relationship and we had been together since that time. After some tears and tantrums I decided to stay in the relationship and she swore she would *never*, *ever* cheat again...

Two years later we got into a pretty heavy fight(though not all THAT terrible, and certainly not the worst fight we had ever had) and during that time she started flirting with a guy she met. This went on for a week and a half till the other guy made a trip out of state for a month and she decided she really wanted to be with me after all. Meanwhile I had become suspicious due to the regular clues(calls, texts, myspace, etc). I confronted her on the issue and she said they were just friends, she insisted on it, swore to it. I pushed her further, and she admitted they were MORE than just friends, they had in fact made out, and done some minor groping. I was so upset, she had *swore* to me after all. I felt so shattered and heartbroken though, that we worked stuff through, we stayed together.

It's now a YEAR later, and all this time i've been doubting whether kissing was as far as they went, so many sleepless nights and doubts that i did my best to bury. I finally decided during a minor argument we were having(nothing terrible) to start pressing about what happened a year ago. She insisted it was just making out, swore to me, but when i threatened to contact the guy, and find out for myself just so i could finally have peace of mind she broke down, admitted that she went down on him, and she had sex with him. She insists that the sex was wholly unfulfilling(a predictable response), that neither one of them had gotten off for a few different reasons, he was a little too small, they used a condom, and he couldn't get himself off, claimed she felt bad for cheating, and that they hadn't tried to have sex again, but did kiss again the day before he left(the original thing she had admitted to).

Now it's been a year since that happened even though I am just finding out now..It was SO difficult to get over thinking they had *just* made out and now I find all this out. She's incredibly upset right now, i told her i needed a few days to think stuff over before I could talk to her again, and decide where our relationship stands.

Now we did a LOT in the last year, trips, talks of moving in, marriage, kids, but now it feels like this thing JUST happened even though it was a year ago. She SWEARS she won't cheat again, but she SWORE the first time, too. What are the odds I can trust her? Do you really think the sex happened the way she described it? I've been making a list of questions that pop into my head that i'm going to ask her when i see her. Is there anything i NEED to ask her? Should i really give this girl, as much as i love her, another chance to betray me?

It hurts a lot.

-thanks

Answer
It hurts more than any other pain that you have ever had before.  I understand that.  The thing about love relationships is that although they are based on pleasure, pain is always around the corner.  Now, if you really love her you need to decide if you are really going to, or can, forgive her.  It takes time to heal.  The problem that you have is that you never got the whole truth a year ago. The reason infidelity is shrouded with lies is because the cheater does not want to hurt the partner anymore than they already have.  Forgiveness means not digging up the the skeleton in her closets every time you feel uncomfortable. She needs to come clean and never do it again.  But you need to either believe her and move onto a happy relationship or let her go.  In order to have a good relationship you two must start again with a clean slate.  You have to listen to your feelings though.  They are you lie detector.  If she is still playing games and lying you will know.  If you two love each other you must be willing to lay everything on the table and hash it out.  Good luck.