Expert: Dear Shay - 9/4/2002

Question
Dear Shay,

I'm 23 and have been dating the same girl for almost 5 years. When we met in college I was a virgin and she was not, which wasn't a problem, but now that we've been dating so long I feel like I'm missing something. I love her and I know we'll probably end up getting married, yet I don't know if I'd be missing something if I never had sex with anyone but her. I don't know why just now I've been having these thoughts, and I don't really know what to make of them. The bad thing is I know of someone I can cheat with, which makes me feel even worse. No matter how hard I try I can't surpress these feelings. What's your take on this? Much Appreciated.

Chris

Answer
Its natural for you to feel this way. In situations like these, I usually advise that you not go out and cheat. Your girlfriend doesnt deserve that. If you love your girlfriend and want to make this work, then understand that this is a normal thought pattern. You cant make them go away, they are there. Stop trying to suppress these feelings and face them. Yes, you may feel like you missed out on some kind of youthful premiscuity....but on the other hand, you have this wonderful woman in your life. That you have been with most of your mature life. Whats more important to you? Maybe an hour of fun with someone you share no feelings with? Or making love to a women you know you will eventually spend the rest of your life with. Alot of men get these thoughts, sort of an early mid-life crisis. But its what you DO with those thoughts that matters. I would not act on your feelings. Just give it some time, and soon enough you will realize whats most important to you. Good luck.