Expert: RITA - 4/30/2005

Question
Rita; i have a tough problem i would like your advise on.I found out on 1/25/05 my wife had cheated on me with a co worker.we have been married 4 years now.She was with other women friends that night she says and they went to a guys house that they all worked with.She admits she was drinking and taking drugs that night with everyone else.she says he all of a sudden just kissed her and she asked him why he did that then he said sorry,but she also said she didnt leave.well he kissed her agian and thats when she kissed him back.then she continued to make out with this person saying that off and on she would say she wanted to stop but then kept doing it.Then she says he pulled his pants down and she gave him oral for maybe a minute then desided she could not go through with it and left.this happened in nov.2004.SHE  then said she new it was a horrible mistake but somehow he got are cell phone #,and he called and asked if they could just be friends.She said she told him yes because she wanted to go to work without having a problem with him or others finding out.She stared to talk to him on the phone daily and she would call him,only to talk about what she had done wrong and talk about work and there friends.She says she never had a desire for him after that night and was just trying to be a friend to him but then she realized he liked her and she says that she found out she could like him if she kept talking to him so she told him to stop calling but he would only quit for a few days.Then he kept being obsessed with her.Then as i said earlier on 1/25/05 he called and i answered the phone.i asked her about it and she finnaly told me i have been seeing some one else and said what had happened that night.well i shot my self in the face that night due to being in such pain and shock.i have been very luckey to live let alone at the rate im healing but she was there through the hospital the hole time and im with her now.,but i have a horrible time getting over this and believing thats how it went .she says she could never do it again and is so sorry,i guess my question is how can i forgive and begin to trust her again after this? i feel i could never but i love her and feel i cant be without her,but i also couldnt handle the pain of this happing again. thanks  

Answer
Daniel, I'm glad to hear that you are on your way to recovering, and I hope you seek some counseling as well to get through this.
You have some issues regarding self esteem, because what you have to realize is that it is not another person that completes us, but ourselves and the gifts we have to offer others, such as love and respect. She has not respected you or your marriage, and I think that maybe a separation should take place in order for you to come to a decision permanently about what has happened. You might consider marriage counseling during this time if she is willing because it takes two to make a marriage..it can't be onesided.
If you work through your issues and your marriage issues I'm sure that you can make a much better decision with the guidance of a counselor or other professional.
Take care