Expert: Peggy - 6/28/2000

Question
After being together for 20+ years I put my ex out 5yrs ago for cheating. He was my best friend and it hurt me deeply. He has a lot of issues and add a midlife crisis on top of everything and it was a diaster waiting to happen.

Last yr I tried to cultivate a relationship again; so did the other woman (which he left 2yrs ago). Now it`s the same situation, with the same woman only difference is I know he`s seeing her but she doesn`t know we go out. I also go out with other people but I never fell out of love with him.I told him last night that I just couldn`t do this anymore because it hurts too much for me to pretend that him dating this woman again doesn`t matter.He still claims he doesn`t know what he wants.( He wants his cake and eat it to)

He suffers from depression which runs in his family and refuses to get help for that condition ..."because that is just the way I am and nothing ever changes"...That attitude was one of the reasons I just could not be "up" in the relationship anymore. It was /is very tiring to give all the time and therefore I just gave up on the relationship. I am so confused and need advice on what to do next. We do have a child and a grandchild who live with me at present so no matter what I`ll have to see him on occassion. Help!

Answer
Hi Toni,
You need to give up on this man.. He isn't going to change, so unless you want to live the rest of your life like this,
you need to say goodbye for good. Make arrangements to be gone when he comes to visit the kids. Every man would have a girlfriend and a wife if they could get away with it.  You deserve better. You gave him 20 years of your life, now take the next 20 for yourself..  Become active in single groups and keep yourself busy.  Sometimes we just get so use to being with someone, it's easier to think we still love them than to start over. You are in the best years of your life..Find someone to pamper you for awhile.
Good Luck
Peggy