Expert: Sam E - 8/5/2007

Question
Hello.  Last October, I discovered my wife of 10 years was having an affair.  I had suspected it for some time and begged her to go to marriage counseling if there were any problems, but she denied everything until I caught her by using a recording device (not proud of that fact...).  She finally admitted it, and claimed it was their first time being intimate.  I honestly don't think I was that (un)lucky , but anyway...we went through approx. 6 months of counseling and it seemed to help me.  Admittedly, she has done everything that she needed to do to make this work - severed all contact with the other guy immediately, checks in frequently, etc.  Almost one year later, I still have not gotten over the pain and hurt.  I just simply cannot believe that my partner and best friend in the world would do something so cruel and jepoardize our family like that (we have two young girls).  Sometimes I think I have become bi-polar in that there are times where I feel like everything is going great and then something little will open a floodgate of bad memories and it puts me in a funk for days.  I might have left immediately if I knew I would still hurt so bad this far along, but I do have children that I'm not sure I could ever leave.  

I am quite interested in your thoughts - thanks so much.

Answer
You were married for ten years! That’s a long time. You cant expect to heal and recover quickly from that.  You obviously need more time with this. The thing is, you jumped back into this relationship too soon. It happens all the time. People go through a period when they are afraid to lose the other person and think they can get over it. They take the steps needed and that’s great, but than the real pain and anger set in.
Since you are still with her and decided to stay you really need to move past this or it will destroy this relationship.
First thing is for you to work on your self-worth. Do whatever you need to do to build your self-esteem back up. This can be going to the gym, going back to school, changing jobs, buying new clothes, whatever you think you need to do! Keep doing things that build your self-esteem. Everyday! You need to put more focus on you and less on her.
Secondly, do not dwell on it. Refocus your thoughts every time you start to think about it. You may need to do this 100 times a day. Make certain that you are not throwing this in her face. Let it go. Do not bring it up when fighting or arguing. Bite your tongue! If you don’t you will never move forward.  She knows she hurt you so bringing it up over and over does not do any good. She knows you won’t forget it and she is not expecting you to. Forgetting and forgiving are two different things.
If in time it is too much, you really should leave. Some people really can't handle this type of thing and that's okay, but give it  more time using the tools I gave you.
Also, if you feel really blue, you may need to talk to your doctor about getting on some kind of anti-depressant. Affairs can and do cause depression. Talk to your doctor ASAP! The medication can do wonders!
Hope this helps,
Sam