Expert: Pamela Enders - 1/11/2010

Question
My 8 year old daughter has cheered for 3 years on Pop Warner and loves it. She is now cheering on a competitive Rec team over the winter. She stunts dolls, watches the Pop Warner competitions over and over, asks me how many exact hours until her next practice...in other words, she is not pushed into it at all (I was never a cheerleader!) She spent one weekend with her father and is basket case, says she doesn't want to do it any more, for no reason.  She is a flyer, and learning many new stunts with this team, and I think her grandmother may have put something in her ear about the danger (a local paper just came out with an article about how dangerous cheerleading is.) She did a complete 180 in a matter of a day, but I told her she made a commitment, she can't quit the team but if she does not want to fly I won't make her, that we'll talk to the coach.  Have you seen this before with young girls? Is there anything I can do to allay her fears? If she quits this team now, I doubt they will ever take her back, so I do not want her to make such a permanent decision on a whim, but do I force her to stay on the team?

Answer
Dear Vicki,

Thanks for writing!  I can see how you want the best for your girl and that you don’t want to be experienced as the “controlling” mom nor do you want her to simply give up.  Because you don’t know what prompted the sudden change of heart, you really don’t have a way of engaging her in a discussion, do you?  

From what you wrote, I surmise that you and your daughter’s father are separated or divorced. Of course I have no idea what the nature of your relationship is with the father or with his mother but I am guessing that you do not feel comfortable in asking them what may have happened to cause such a sudden change in your girl.  And sometimes in these situations, the children feel a divided loyalty – they want to please both parents but don’t feel comfortable addressing the real issues.

Given what you said, your guess about what grandma or dad may have said sounds plausible.  Someone may have scared her (not intentionally perhaps but as a result of their own worry and anxiety and – ignorance) and she may have even promised to bow out of cheerleading.

If you are able to find a way to discuss it with the father, that would be ideal.  Of course the tone should be one of genuine concern and curiosity and not angry accusation.  But I imagine you know that.  The conversation would go something like this, “Gee, Bob, (or John or whatever), I’d love your input on something that concerns me…it’s about our Suzy.  She’s had a sudden and dramatic change of heart about cheerleading – something she has loved for 3 years. She told me out of the blue that she wants nothing to do with it anymore.  Do you have any idea why?  Did she express any concern or worry with you?”

If you enlist the father’s help and treat him like an ally, he may be receptive in helping you with this.  (Again, I do not know the details so I could be wrong.)

I like that you want to help your girl learn about taking commitment and responsibility seriously and so I would agree that a conversation with the coach would be good. You might want to alert the coach ahead of time what may have happened; your girl may feel more comfortable telling the coach what dad or grandma said than telling you.

The goal wouldn’t be to talk your girl into anything but rather to show her the right way of handling commitments and to help her learn that everything has a consequence.  

It’s hard to allay her fears if you do not know what those fears are.  Coach may be able to discern what those fears are and she or he may be the best person to handle it.

Good luck to you and your girl! She's lucky to have a mom who loves her so much!


Warm regards,

Dr. Pam
The Mental Game Coach
http://www.confidentcheerleadingblog.com