Expert: Tom Carter ~ Travel China Expert - 11/6/2008

Question
Tom,

I have traveled in China and Southeast Asia. As a recovered alcoholic of ten years, I found it frustrating at times that people didn't understand my refusal to drink. I don't judge other people for drinking, and I have no problem being around other people drinking, but I found some hostility when I refused to participate in toasts or drinking games, etc. Again, I want to emphasize I am not a puritan or reformer. I do not try to "convert" others. Anyway, I get the sense that in Asian cultures, it is considered insulting to break with the group, even if it concerns someone's health or sanity. Would you agree? Is there a culture of recovery in China? Does anyone get it? How should those of us who have invested years to maintain sobriety and rebuild our lives approach traveling in places where this choice seems to be completely disregarded?

Answer
Hi Jason,

Having lived in both China and Japan for extensive periods of time, I can attest that, yes, drinking is a staple of those societies, especially amongst males and/or those engaging in business relationships. These are time-honored customs dating back thousands of years, and unlikely to change anytime soon to accommodate the new wave of political correctness or health considerations. Japanese and especially the Chinese love their drink, and they revel in the bonding experiences that binge drinking offers.

You are exactly correct to say that group-think is more important in China and Japan than one's individual concerns. This independent way of thinking simply doesn't exist in these countries, and it is almost inconceivable to them that someone would NOT want to participate in a toast or drinking games once the booze is on the table. We can't argue with this; it's a cultural different that we must respect.

Not unlike yourself, I also refuse to drink (I am straight-edge and have never had a drop my entire adult life). I commend you on your resolve and for putting yourself in a challenging situation such as this. I know exactly how you feel because I lived it almost every day for the past half-decade here in Asia.

Almost nightly I am assaulted with offers to drink by my friends and business partners. But I put my foot down early on, firmly but with a smile and an explanation. This didn't stop the insults ("you are not a real man", etc.) but even though they could not grasp my unwillingness to participate, they did ultimately respect my determination not to break with my values. Also, I have an uncanny knack for being able to party with the best of them in spite of my sobriety (seems like I'll be DD for life!), so this also helped me "get along" even though I wasn't "going along."

I think you have an advantage over me in that alcoholism is universally recognized (more so than straight-edge), so I think that if you are direct and honest about your reasons for not drinking, combined with the fact that you are a foreigner, they will respect this (grudgingly). My only advice is to allow your Asian friends to "save face" by not making them feel that drinking is bad or harmful. Buy them a bottle, toast with a glass of tea or cola instead, laugh at their antics, and hold their hair back when they are puking all over the place. This will allow you to stay "one of the guys."

To end on a note of positivity, my first boss in China was a big drinker when I met him, but my unwillingness to get wasted with him had a profound subconscious effect on him. Today he is totally sober (as well as a vegetarian, which I also am), and often openly credits me to his friends for having a positive influence on him. Black sheep DO exist in Asia, you just have to help them bring out their colors :)

Easy it does it do it easy, that's what I'm doing...

Sincerely,
Tom Carter
author, CHINA: Portrait of a People
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