Expert: Susie Watts - 11/25/2010

Question
Well I finished writing my essay for UT Austin; however I am not sure if this essay would be good enough for competition. could you give me feedback to how my essay could be enhanced.
This is the essay topic: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Below is my essay:

                     One Life, One Dream

  I come from a humble immigrant family. At a very young age, I developed a sensation of one day fulfilling my dreams to become the next generation astronaut to step foot on Mars. As I grew up, my dreams became even more distant from reality as I had hoped. My family was struggling to keep the family running smoothly, and eventually, I fell into pieces believing that I had failed to succeed. However, one person entered my life and he completely saved me from losing faith in my dreams and in what I considered to be an integral part of my life. His nickname was “Guz,” and, perhaps, he was the greatest friend I have ever had. I met him as a volunteer at the John Peter Smith Hospital. Surprisingly enough, I learned a lot from him throughout my volunteer experience. Consequently, I have changed from being a self-centered individual to a caring one.
  For the majority of the people, cancer patients are seen as ordinary individuals, but in truth, they have endured more frustrating times than most people have in their whole life-time. Unlike other people, Guz suffered from leukemia for a large portion of three years. He faced serious challenges as an immigrant like myself to seek a life of opportunity and health. There were even times when his lack of money affected his ability to recover from his condition. Some Oncologists at previous hospitals refused to treat him until he raised enough money to pay them. However, despite of all of his deficits, he possesses the most important characteristics that defines any inspirational person. Guz has nobility and life experience. He has overcome a life of regret and false hopes. A life where his closest peers deserted him, and encouraged him to ignore his education.
  I was 16 years old when I first met Guz. It was my first day to volunteer at the hospital, and I did not know what to expect from the people or staff. After I got to know them well, they became family to me. I could not help but to notice a tremendous number of individuals who wondered through the halls, sobbing, and praying for their dearest ones.  Yet, Mr. Guz, whom I came across after serving lunc¬h to patients, was quiet and observant of his surroundings.  He ate well the first day, however, after a while; he did not feel very enthusiastic about being fed. From time to time he would only stare at me and not say a thing, but later that day, he turned to face me. He opened his eyes wide, smiled, and asked me to sit down by his side.
  Before I could say anything, he grabbed me by the hand and requested a pencil and a piece of paper. I had no idea what he wanted me to do until he asked me: “I heard you love math son, would you teach me some?” I nodded yes.  From that moment on, I tried my best to assist him with arithmetic. Even though his condition caused him headaches and even made learning difficult for him, he never gave up.  He was incredibly consistent with learning, and by no means felt pressured to attempt a challenge.  His determination came from his heart, and was admiring, because as time went by, he became more astute. Hence, he showed me that excuses are not relevant to the world of success and failure.
  Guz once told me about his life as a child. At a certain point of his life, his mom and dad were the wealthiest individuals of his neighborhood in Mexico. He had a healthy life style with everything that he would ever need. Instead of serving the poor and the needy, he would disregard their desires to only assist himself. Unfortunately, he did not take his education seriously since he thought that he could do great things without one. His friends encouraged him to fail out of school and follow a path of drug addiction and violence.  However, his life changed dramatically when he met a young boy, called Jorge, sitting outside his house. Jorge was teeming with hunger and desperate for anyone who was willing to share their clothes with him. Guz decided to stay quiet and not mention what he saw to anyone. Meanwhile, Jorge was slowly deteriorating from the inside and the outside. Eventually, Jorge died of lung and pancreas disease.
  Guz looked at me and then started to shed into tears while he continued to tell me the rest of his story. He seemed to regret his childhood moments because he knew that he had committed a big mistake. It was not long until Guz’s parents went broke and lost all their belongings due to unemployment opportunities. He knew that life would be tougher and a challenge to overcome. As a result, he had to help his dad find a new job. While he and his dad were searching, he ran into an older guy who just happened to be Jorge’s father. Fortunately, Jorge’s dad managed to settle a job for Guz’s dad in construction. Despite of all the unthinkable things that Guz had done to Jorge, the humble father decided to leave all of those dreadful memories and help Guz and his family.
   It was later until he realized that education was the key to seek a brighter future. Guz himself mentioned to me that after his dad recuperated from the money shortage, he decided to attend a community college close to his home. As a result, Guz was able to gain a lot from his college experience and started a program to help homeless children in need. He did so in honor of his childhood friend, Jorge.  Soon, his hair was falling out, and he ended up leaving his dad in charge of the children’s program after finding out that he had cancer. Instead of staying to live in Mexico, he decided to flee to the United States as an immigrant. Here, he hoped that doctors would do everything in their possession to aid him.
  Suddenly, before Guz could tell me anything more, he fell into a deep sleep.  He closed his eyes and smiled once again. His arm fell into the palms of my hands and his heart level fell steady. The doctors came to his room and took him to another room. He was then transferred to Baylor hospital, and that was the last time I ever saw him. From that moment on, I wished him the best of luck, and even though I do not know what happened to him, his heart still remains within me.
   I was able to relate to his experience, because before I met him, I had no one to go for advice. His life experience gave me a broader view about the consequences in life, and guided me to formulate right decisions.  I have made an effort to help the homeless every once in awhile in order to carry out Guz’s efforts and wishes. Perhaps someday he will see how much he has changed me. I am a better person now. A person who sees and seeks for the happiness of others. My dreams are no longer distant, because I no longer fear failure. Consequently, I learn from my mistakes to reach for the impossible, and that is more than I could ask for.  Now I know that the person whom I met at John Peter Smith Hospital was no ordinary individual. He was a guardian angel.  

Answer
Hi Ari,
I think your have done a good job on your essay, but I believe it is too long.  You need to remember that the college admissions people have thousands of essays to read and they cannot spend too much time on any one.  You want to eliminate anything that doesn't directly relate to your topic.  I usually suggest 500 words or less for a maximum. There are some grammatical errors so I would suggest you ask an English teacher at your school to read it over and help you correct those.
Keep up the great work.  You sound like a good candidate for UT.

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