Expert: Phillip Senn - 12/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend and I are both, divorcees, 40 something’s, and both believer’s and very active in our Church. We both have children already, and have no desire for more. So my question is this, we are living together, have had sexual relations for some time, but now we are struggling with whether we should continue or not while living together un-wed. During this time, until we clarify, we are abstaining from sexual relationship. I have studied, and found no clear answers regarding this as pertaining to our situation. I know what the Bible says regarding the relationship and marriage, however, as we have no desire to enlarge our family, or marry real soon (although that is the plan someday when we’re both comfortable with the “M” word again), do we live together in abstinence (which is straining our relationship somewhat), or can we continue on with our lives as we were? There are many differing accounts in scripture regarding this, and particularly between old, and new testament. We will not be “creating” a family to influence, as both of our children are grown, and well adapted adults. We just want to live together guilt free. I Timothy 2:5 suggests that no human, Church entity, or Church Body has authority over me, that my agreement to live with my Girlfriend is my contract with her and God, and only God can validate this contract. But, like I said before…lotsa gray area here.

In Him,
Thanks.


ANSWER: Rick,

Actually there is no gray area here at all. The Scriptures make it clear to abstain from all appearance of evil. The fact that the two of you are living together out of wedlock is evidence that, at the minimum, the appearance of evil exists. I do find it commendable that you have made the decision to be celibate till you are marred. However, I counsel those that have lived together and/or had a sexual relationship, to separate for at least 6 months. If a sexual relationship exists, leave the sexual relationship for at least 6 months prior to marriage. If the couple is living together, I counsel for them to move into separate housing, though continue to see each other socially (with sexual abstinence), for that 6 months.

As a side note, if the lack of sexual activity is placing a strain on the relationship, it is built on the sexual part of the relationship, and not on the spiritual. Reconsideration should be given to the relationship, if that is the case.

God's ideal for attraction is spiritual first, then emotional, then physical. Satan has turned this around to cause us to find physical attraction, then emotional, then spiritual. The attractions are still there, but in reverse order. Any time we sidestep God's ideal, we will face difficulties in life.

I will be praying that God would lead you to a proper understanding of His perfect will for you and for your girlfriend.

Finally, in regard to the final statement that you made. 1 Timothy does not teach that we are to have no authority above us (ie. "human, Church entity, or Church body"). Actually just the opposite is true. We are to submit to those that have authority over us (Romans 13:1-5) "Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same: For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil. Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake." 1 Timothy 2:5 deals with the one mediator between God and man, not minimizing authorities in our lives, but showing who alone is able to cause us to be in right relationship with God. Paul continues his writing in describing (Chapter 3) who is qualified to be BISHOP (overseer) in the Church. Yes there is accountability in the Christian community of believers. While we must all stand before the judgment seat of Christ, we have a vested interest in each other, and in Christ, who binds our hearts together in Love.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: We were in our relationship for quite some time (ironic...about six months), prior to our first sexual encounter. We had mutually decided we needed to connect spiritually first. We both wanted to see our spiritual maturity levels, and we are both convinced God put us together. I have seen in the Old Testament that a contract between two consenting adults is good enough for God, but on the other hand, in the New testament, you are to follow the law of the land. That is where I become confused. Has God's word become interpreted for me the way someone wanted over the years of being handed down (by paranoid authorities believing Christianity undermines their authority), and being re-written and versioned several times over, or the way God wanted and intended?

Answer
Rick,

The answer that I gave is still a valid answer. The Word of God doesn't change. Man may offer different scenarios, but God's Word is still unswerving. You say that you were wanting to "connect spiritually first", and that you wanted to see your "spiritual maturity levels". You further stated that you are both convinced that God put you together. God never acts in violation of His Word. He is bound by His Word, otherwise He is found to be a liar.

Let's address these areas...

One can connect spiritually without being led by the Lord. Satan also can "connect us together".

A spiritually mature person does not seek to violate the will of God for their lives, through a sexual relationship outside of marriage. A contract between two individuals is not a binding contract, unless it passes the legal process. God's legal process has apparently been bypassed in this matter, and you are relying on your own intuitive response. For instance, if two consenting males wanted to enter into a contract relationship, and to have a sexual relationship, do you suppose that God would approve? Either way, God has not put the two together, if they are seeking self gratification, rather than seeking to honor god in the process/

God's Word is still the final authority. God's Word has not changed, and therefore, any sexual relationship outside of a legally binding marriage is still sin.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn