Expert: Phillip Senn - 9/26/2008

Question
Background: He was abusive and after several warnings I finally served him papers in Jan/2006 to get out-process server had to stay as the entire time John was callinge me names and all but I told him I would give him time to go to anger management which he did. Had him move back in Feb of 2007 and within 3 weeks there were 3 abusive episodes.  Had him leave again. Our church supports him and have turned their backs on me-he is in with single females and guy friends who support him.  He lives in townhouse with secretary there for 10-12 hrs a day-he takes her to lunch every day.  She is in an unhappy marriage. So he likes his life now and wants a divorce. He feels he his abusive problem is a nonissue, he has lied umpteen times and I have zero trust.  I told him if he would leave that church and friends so we could have no outside interference and start a new life we might have a chance, he will not give up that church or friends or lifestyle to save his marriage.  I am heart broken.  I don't know what to do. Papers are ready to sign and he will divorce me regardless if i sign or not.  He said he has "moved on and loves his life and friends, etc.  He confides in these women and friends and they know every intimate detail. There is no intimacy between us.  I don't know how long I should fight or where to turn?

Answer
Tori,

There are several issues here. I will try to address each of them separately.

The issue of abusiveness is one that takes many forms, and has many root causes. One form is emotional abuse (yelling, screaming, etc.). It is generally caused by failure, on the part of the individual, to "give thanks on all things." His church support is not providing him the help he needs to be thankful for all that the Lord has provided him with. He appears to only be thankful when he is getting things the way he wants them.

Physical abuse is another issue altogether. It is generally associated with the first one, but many have the first without the second. Physical abuse is generally associated with hopelessness. He may see the situation as being one that he cannot control to make it like he wants it.

Then the issue of infidelity. If he is living with a female, and she is married to another, while he is also married to another, then the issue of adultery apparently comes into play. Again, this is all about what he wants.

I applaud your desire to work on reconciliation. I always seek to promote that as God's ideal, as I believe that is what Scripture teaches that we should always do.

His "church" seems to be very supportive of his "me" attitude. There are many churches like that. They seek to preserve the "self" image, rather than following Scripture for clear guidance from the Lord. The Apostle Paul admonished the Corinthian church that they should have mourned, and not be puffed up, and put the one from among them (1 Cor. 5:1-3).

The last issue is the paperwork for the divorce. This is a legal matter, and I am not really qualified to deal with this issue from a legal perspective. However, from a Scriptural standpoint, I have been trying to determine the standing of the one that these issues actually revolve around, the husband. The reason I question the validity of his faith, is I see everything as being about him. I cannot judge by appearance or his heart, as I know neither of them. I can only go by what you have said. I have heard nothing concerning his faith, only that he is in church. Many that are "in church" are not true believers. Again, the Apostle Paul wrote, "And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

The bottom line, you must be willing to accept that your husband has filed the papers, and you can sign them without fear. You are under no obligation to fight to preserve that which he has apparently already decided is not worthy of saving. Again, I have only heard your side of this saga. I am not saying that a divorce is the correct way to go, as God is always wanting reconciliation. But you cannot chastise yourself for your husband's actions.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn