Expert: Phillip Senn - 6/14/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am a born again christian living with a partner who takes marijuana and is not working.  I would like to say that i used to use marijuana myself but thanks to God i kicked the habit over 7years ago.  We have a 7 year old son together and have not always been or lived together.  However last year november i found it hard to cope with a degree programme i am taking and i therefore asked if he could help with looking after his son so i could pursue my studies.  He ended up moving in and after awhile we decided to give our relationship another try.  However, i have been really questioning whether am doing the right thing because i am very stressed as am the sole breadwinner in the family.  we have been having constant arguments because i feel as if he is using me, he does not have a home, a job and he sometimes acts  selfish to everyone around him.  I don't know what to do sometimes i feel i should give him a chance but other times i feel like am enabling him to continue with his lifestyle.  He is rude/scarstic and uses swear words at times when i ask him to do things around the house instead of staying on the computer the whole day or not interacting much with the rest of the family .  I feel that drugs are of first priority in his life and the rest of the family is last on his list.  I have a daughter 16 years of age from a previous relationship who has recently come to live us.  I am not sure what kind of a role model i am to her and everything is putting so much pressure on me.  I sometimes want to ask him to leave. He is not a born again christian.  Please help

ANSWER: Jane,

I know this is going to sound so unkind, but you must get this "partner" out of your residence.

One, as a Born Again believer, you have the responsibility to "be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers".

Two, you are placing your testimony at risk, even if you are not experiencing sexual relations (although that would be unusual, considering that he is living there).

Third, you place the relationship with your family at risk, because someone could argue that you allowed this man near your children, knowing that he had a drug problem.

Fourth, and most important, your spiritual well being is not being nurtured in this type of environment.

If this man does not know the Lord, there is no reason to hope to regain a relationship with him. Perhaps someone, maybe even you, could share the Love of the Lord Jesus with him through making sure he has a clear understanding of the Gospel. He may reject the Lord, but he should be led to a clear understanding, then let him decide.

My suggestion:
1. It is time he finds a different place to live.
2. Make sure all of the drugs are removed from the premises.
3. Make sure your children are protected at all times.
4. Have a minister speak to him about the Lord, and about getting help with his other problems.
5. Seek counseling for yourself.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your frank & prompt reply.  What do i do with him seeing our son because this has been an issue in the past when we were not together.  He would cut all communication with the boy at times and this affects him because he obviously loves his dad.  Also we have separated and got back together numerous times and am sure this has not been easy on him as a child.

Answer
Jane,

This is an issue that can best be dealt with through legal services (family court, etc.). My response might be different than theirs, but as long as he is involved with drugs, my response would be that his visitation should be limited to supervised visitation. If the family court, or whoever would make that decision in your state, is not aware of his drug use, then they will be making their decision without all of the pertinent information. If they do their job properly, they will seek to do that which is best for the child, even if it means that he doesn't get to see his dad.

The bottom line is that he is putting his relationship with his son, and others in the family, at risk by his behaviour. The Scriptures speak, in many ways, to submit to the powers that be, for they are ordained of God as a terror against evil works, and not against good. The courts are there as a hedge against the evil that could come upon your family due to drug induced situations. One possibility is that his drug use could lead to the forfeiture of your living abode. As long as he is allowed to bring drugs into the living arrangement, that danger exists, either from the landlords or the authorities.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn