AboutRt. Rev. Harold L. Trott, SSC Expertise I am able to answer general questions on the Bible, Christianity, Christian Living, Theology, and devotional life.
Experience An Anglican priest, I have been in Holy Orders for 47 years and served in pastoral ministry all that time. I consider myself an Evangelical Catholic.
Organizations Society of the Holy Cross
Education/Credentials B.A. cum laude in History
M.A.
Equivalent of an M.Div.
Awards and Honors Outstanding Young Educator in Albuquerque (1976)
(Junior Chamber of Commerce)
Question I became a member of my church in 2006, but the day before i
was accepted as a member, my friend and i were watching the
church DVD and she showed me a guy she liked and wished that
he could ask me out. Anyway, i simply laughed and let the
comment go. Then on the day i was accepted as a member,i saw
him in the church and i felt something in my heart( that was
the first time i noticed that he exist). Anyway, a couple of
hours after that, he was introduced to me as my disciple by
my Senior Pastor. Since then i have gone through a circle of
rebuking my feelings for him, then accept them.I have
prayed, i have fasted,i have cried to the Lord, i have
screamed... I told my Junior Pastor about and he prayed for
me, as if that isn't enough, i told him( my disciple about
it, though he didn't say much, just asked me what i was
doing about it). I thought they were gonna go away, that was
last year and iam still struggling. The problem is that i
feel like its affecting my spiritual life, as i seem to be obsessed with the thoughts of him. What should i do now?
Should i go and speak to him again and ask him to see me
through this,as a leader will do under normal circumstances(
despite the fact that , he is the one i have feelings for)?
Answer 18 June 2009
Dear Grace,
I am not certain what the ethical standards are in the Republic of South Africa and her churches; but here in the United States informed and careful church workers do not date any individuals with whom they have a pastoral relationship. If someone is your mentor or disciple, there really shouldn't be dating, et al.
To "have feelings for someone" is certainly not wrong assuming he is a Christian and the kind of a person who would be a good husband. You would need to find out if there are any impediments like divorces (on both sides) and other personality characteristics which would make the relationship difficult--like abusive personalities and serious mental illness. That is just wise! But God has given those feelings both for us to control and also to make us desire marriage to continue the human race. So your feelings aren't wrong if everything else is OK.
You need to talk this matter over with the senior or junior pastor; and learn the rules of your Church. In my view, your feelings for him are interfering with the pastoral relationship. You should ask to be relieved of the mentor responsibility. You need to find out, if you are relieved of this relationship, if godly courtship would then be permitted in your church culture.
Above all, do not cause scandal in the body of Christ, hurt Jesus and His Church, or wreck your own spiritual life. Ask God the Holy Spirit to give you self-control (one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit) to honor the Lord throughout whatever you do.
Personally, if there were no impediments to godly courtship or dating, I doesn't see a problem ethically; but YOUR PASTOR MIGHT AND HE IS IN CHARGE!
