Expert: Ryan Parish - 1/31/2012

Question
Hello, I would like some Christian advice on how to deal with a rude coworker. I recently started a new job as a waitress at a restaurant, and am still learning my way around everything. Everyone has been quite gracious and helpful except for one woman. She consistently speaks disrespectfully to me and refuses to be a team player with me. As the bartender, she has a level of power over her work station, and acts very superior over anyone who needs anything from the bar. Occasionally, I will need to access the bar to get wine glasses or I will have a question about something that only this woman can answer. Other times I will need her to perform a task using her specific server card. Needless to say, working with her is unavoidable.
I need her cooperation, but she refuses every time, which makes me look bad because then I cant do my job properly. The first few times I worked with her I tried being patient and getting a supervisors help instead, but the other day I had an argument with her because I reacted out of frustration when I had had enough of her rejection 
and rude attitude. It didn't solve anything of course, and I am not proud of how I acted.
I realize now that I need to see this from a different perspective. I am not the victim, she is. Hurting people tend to hurt other people, and I have no idea what she is going through in life but I don't need take her rudeness personal. Instead I need to be patient and loving towards her. However, I also don't want to be a doormat. Here is the part where I need help: how do I respond to her uncooperative attitude with love and patience but still remain productive at work? What could I say in response to her rejection whenever I need to ask her for something? I can't keep going to the supervisors, they are busy as it is and often question why I am not going to the bartender instead like I should be. I haven't told the supervisors about the situation because I don't want to involve others unnecessarily. I want to handle this 1 to 1 instead of running away and being a "tattle-tale". 
I suspect that my sudden turn-around to niceness will be unnexpected and I'm afraid she will think I am being phony or sarcastic. Obviously I need to draw on God's power to help me with being genuine, but what I am hoping you might help me with, is a few responses I could have towards her that will be kind yet assertive. I want to try having a good working relatioship with this woman and to hopefully help influence her to turn her attitude around, but at the end of the day my main objective is to get my job done and I don't know how to convince her to cooperate. 

Thank you for your help! God bless,
Jen

Answer
Jen, thanks for your question.  

First of all, please forgive me for the delay in my response to your question.  I appreciate your patience.  I'm hoping that God has already moved to reveal some of this to you in the time it has taken me to send this response to you, but I offer what I can of His wisdom in the hopes that it will add to and supplement what He's already showing you.

You certainly are facing a challenging circumstance, but this is where the life of Jesus really shines in our world!  You clearly already recognize the need to love our enemies and show kindness in the face of malice.  The Spirit and the Word have led you to seek a loving approach to her, and that is more than half the battle - the battle for the mind and heart inside you!

As you have asked for some specific suggestions about how to speak with her, I am convinced that a humble and gentle honesty will serve both you and your co-worker very well.  So, for instance, you might say something to the effect of: "[Co-worker], I've noticed that you're having a problem with me, and, to be honest, I've been having a bit of a problem with you, too.  I don't want it to be this way between us, though.  I'm really sorry that I responded to you the way I did the other day, and Jesus has shown me how wrong I was to do that.  You're good at your job, and I really want to be good at mine, so I'd love to be able to work together to get both our jobs done.  I keep having to go to the supervisors to help me get the work done since you haven't really been willing to help, and I haven't told them about that, but I'm sure they'll eventually figure it out, and that wouldn't help either of us..."  This is an example of the tone and spirit with which I think you can and should approach her.  Honest, personal and open to her response.  You are very wise and insightful to see that she very likely has some personal issues that lead her to be this way towards you, and your understanding of that will allow you to be sympathetic and gentle.  

If you can genuinely speak out of concern for her, for your supervisors, for the work that you both have to do, rather than emphasizing how it bothers you or inconveniences you, this will go a long way to show her your honorable intentions.  Rather than seeking retribution, she'll see that you're seeking resolution and forward movement.  She may not instantly respond to that, but as you prove yourself over time to be a selfless and honorable woman, you will not only gain her respect, you will also make the name of Jesus honorable to her and others a the restaurant.

The exact words probably aren't as important as your tone and attitude in saying them.  Your body language will speak volumes, too.  Your concern mustn't be to strategize too much, but to avoid manipulation.  Speak to her as you would want someone to speak to you, and as you show her that respect, she'll have no good reason to malign you or resent you.  [She may still malign and resent you, but you'll have given her no grounds for doing so!]

If she is not willing to hear out or to respect your attempt in this, just let her know that you're committed to working with her, and if she sees any ways that you can do a better job or can help her, you're all ears.  Humility need not lead to becoming a "doormat", as our Master Jesus showed us, but it will lead us to acting like the servants that we are.  Show her that any animosity or ill-will that she has toward you is not mutual, and this will eventually lead to her attitude being seen as ridiculous to others and, hopefully, even to herself.

May your humble spirit of servant-hearted love toward even your enemy show your co-workers and customers how great is Lord we serve!  May he show you the fullness of his love so that you can "Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect" #Matthew 5:48#.  Amen!  

Please let me know if you have any follow-up questions, comments or concerns.  I would love to keep the conversation going and to find out what God does in all of this!