Expert: Reverend Ramona C. Stonecipher - 1/29/2012

Question
Rev, I am hoping you can offer me some guidance. I have been married for 3 months. Within a month of marriage my husband gave me an ultimatum that I must show him my bank accounts and put his name on my accounts. I have both personal and business. I insisted that we open new accounts and asked why he insists on my accounts from me being single. I am 38 and he is 45. We are both financially stable and earn over $100k each. He says that I should show him my accounts because he cannot be in a marriage and doesn't know where his wifes money is. Granted he is better at managing money, but I have my own acts, money, business etc. He wants it all and is unwilling to compromise. I am willing to get new joint accts and let him manage the money but he says that isn't enough and wants to see my existing accts because he doesn't want any secrets.

3 weeks into our marriage, he me an ultimatum to either do what he wants or I must pack my kids (previous marriage) and leave. He insisted I leave and so I did. I moved my kids into his house a week after we were married and doesn't after he kicked us out. It has been two months. We still see each other and talk frequently. I love him and he says he loves me, but is unwilling to continue being married if I don't give him access to my money. I do not want to divorce bc I made a commitment to God yet my husband's actions are very selfish and controlling. He has not continued his relationship with my kids and has broken off ties to them. I have asked countless times that he consider how hurtful and damaging this issue has been but he says he has been hurt as well because I should be willing to share everything with him.

There is more to share as we have many other problems. He recently lost his job, his kids treat me and my kids horribly, he constantly acts out when makes demands but doesn't get what he wants. Aside, we have had a wonderful loving relationship the 5 years leading to our marriage. He is a good person and has show that he cares for me. He has had a history of making unreasonable demands at times and I have oftentimes given in.  On this issues I feel I cannot. Please help me.

Answer
Greetings in Christ Alisa,
    Thank you for writing Alisa, it sounds like you have some real challenges before you.
Three months into your marriage and your husband gives you an ultimatum!  Really! Amazing.
Surely within the five years of your dating you experienced a number of 'red flags'.
Obviously, there is something more deeply wrong with this marriage than bank accounts.  Let
me first address a number of things that I feel you should give some serious thought to.

    First of all, your children.  Your children must come first.  God gave them to you, and He expects you to love and protect them.  They are not little adults, they should not be expected to understand adult things, or react in an adult way.  This man is not their biological father, and as you have shared, apparently has no intention od being a good stepfather.  So my point is, don't ask from them what they cannot understand or give,  It is up to you to provide, not talk about, how they will be alright, and everything will be fine - it is up to you to provide that stability and comfort with great consistency.  Children should not haveto live in anxiety.  They need love..., they need laughter, they need consistency, and they need one solid, grounded parent.

    Second, they need Jesus in their life.  You said you are a believer, but you didn't state that your husband is.  From his actions and statements, it sounds like he isn't.  Just sitting in a pew (if he does) doesn't make anyone a Christian - nor having your name on a church membership list.  A true believer makes sure that God and His teachings are at the center of their lives.  Christ teaches that the husband is to treat his wife as Jesus treats his bride.  He is to lay down his life for her.  From your husbands statements and actions, he has neither a moral code or a value system. A God-fearing husband would never give his bride/wife an ultimatum.  That, for sure is a deal-breaker.

    Your children, especially now, need to be taught the importance of cultivating a personal relationship with Jesus.  They need to be in Sunday School and church.  They need to be around other kids that are growing up in Christian homes.  You too, need to be involved so you can grow in your faith and be a sound example to them.  This is essential. Children know what's going on, to the degree their young minds allow, but one thing is for sure, they will remember how Mom handled everything.  And how you guide them, and handle yourself, will be something they'll remember the rest of their lives.  A Godly woman leaves a great legacy to her children.

    Your relationship and marriage___.
As I read your email, I wondered what your marriage vows were.  Going together five should have allowed the two of you to know your strengths and weaknesses. Surely, you found out if you had the same goals in life.  And what about the children - did his/hers mesh well and become 'one big family'?  If not, for sure that would be a deal breaker.  Or were the kids lower on the list of 'what's important.

Did you go to your pastor and have marriage counseling?  Did you talk wit other couples who could advise you on the very things you're struggling with now?  If not, why? Shouldn't your/yours future be the most important thing at this point in time of your life?  Did you have an indepth discussion with a Christian Counselor on Finance, before you said 'yes' to a union with this man?  After all, you were a single mother - you had a responsibility to know how to make this work.  Your kids only had you.

While you're looking back and replaying events that led you to where you are Alisa, play back your relationship of five years.  What attracted you?  More importantly, what were you looking for in a relationship?  Name three important things.   Were they there?  Or did you settle?
I ask this because I can't believe in just three months you hit such a wall.  It's hard to believe, that if he met your criteria, that he would threaten you - threaten his wife when only three months earlier he vowed to love and to cherish till death do us part. Do words only carry a dictionary meany with this man? When he said he would be a father to your children - were those empty words too?

What, after five years, moved you to the altar?  Did you want to be taken care of?  Did you want sombody to take the load off you?  I'm not judging, my friend, I'm just trying to get you to be honest with yourself so you will learn from this costly experience.  The decisions the two of you made, for whatever reasons, is falling apart and nowhere in the communication that I have received so far, have even suggested that you love one another, that being together is more important than any bank acccount.  We have a husband that has put his wife out - threatened her, showed no concern for the children (their psychological welfare, their future),____just interested in self.

Where do you go from here?
    Marriage counseling would be good!  Getting your spiritual life together is essential!
In regard to your finances, I can only advise what I would do.  As I said before, you must provide for your children.  Your husband has kicked you out and will not let you come back unless you give him access to your money.  The fact is, there are so many red flags in your marriage/relationship, I would not put him on your accounts.  In one of his angry moments, he could drain your accounts and you would be broke.  What would you do then?  How would you live?

You need to buck up, my friend. Don't ever act on an ultimatum.  A Christian man would never put his wife in such a position.  A godly man would never throw out his family.  I exhort you to seek professional help to see if your marriage can work.  Your husband, and you, need to understand yourselves better.   Marriage takes work - but you have to work together.  Someone once said, "We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong.  The amount of work is the same."  You need to put a Plan B together. Make it a solid Plan B - one that 'if' you have to choose it, you can and you will.  Your children need to know that you are solid and they do;t need to fear.  God bless.

In His service and love,
Rev. Ramona Stonecipher