Christianity -- Christian Living/whoa, i need a bit of guidence


Anyway I will give it a go. Im 30 yo man, living in Australia. I have recently broke up with my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years but have known her for the past  4 years.  I first met this girl while I was living in Florida, she had a boyfriend at the time, so initially we were just friends, albeit with a little harmless flirtation there was an attraction. without pursuing the relationship, we became friends, I left to go back to live in Australia and started dating other girls but we were still writing to each other updating on our separate lives.  She was with her same boyfriend on and off for the next 2 years as he would cheat on her and stupidly get back with him. She had become pregnant with this chap, and he left her again. Now please don't judge her at this time.    Anyway our letters became a lot more frequent, and I decided I would travel to Florida for a few weeks to see if we had a connection that I thought we had. It turned out that we did have a connection and we became a couple. I had to go back to Australia to work, so we had to do the long distance relationship thing. All through this time it was good, we would write to each other and she would be a comfort to me and vice versa. 10 months later i Then had the chance to go back to Florida for 3 months this past summer and we were both looking forward to it. The first couple of months were great, And we even travelled to Peru for 10 days. unfortunately during this time , her ex boyfriend, the father of her child started throwing a fit, he would start to claim that he would be taking her to court and take her child away from her. she started stressing out as she had no money to defend herself with a decent lawyer.  He would also not allow the child to get a passport, to travel to Australia for a vacation. So quite crazy she started to have a mental breakdown.
It was at this point that I asked God to intervene and sort this mess out with her kids daddy as I could see her having a mental breakdown and I could not help. This is the most confusing part as i did not expect this to happen next.
the next 2  weeks she started to blame the smallest things on me and became very distant.  this lead to her breaking up with me with no real answers except that she need to sort her life out. I was a great boyfriend very caring and loving and even with her having so much baggage I did not see it as a problem.
So that was that,  since that day out of anger and sadness thinking it for my own good,  i deleted her from my facebook and I haven't talked to her since. A bit harsh maybe , but i did not want to see her even online as it just killed me. So I spent another 2 weeks in the states, tried to keep myself busy, and now I'm back in Australia.
So  this is my problem,
I am in a  deep depression now, It has been 2 months and I can't get her out of my head, and i feel I'm only getting worse. I seem to be going through various stages , of anger , depression, loneliness.  all the feeling of what if I had done this or that.  stupidly My mind tries to work out how we could be together again. it's my subconscious doing it and i can't stop it as it causes so much pain when I realise again that she is not with me. I put my all into this relationship and had dreams about even marrying this girl eventually. Sure she has flaws but don't we all.
I am in 2 minds right now, should I make contact with her or should I not, either way I know I am going to be hurt I think because surley if she wanted to be with me she would be in contact right?   but on the other hand it is also not a competition either as to who should call first.. everyone says that time heals, so no contact is the best, but I seem to be getting worse,

Dear Peter
Thanks for your question.  I'm sorry to hear about the stressful situation you're in.
I've taken some time to think this one through, and hope some of my thoughts below are helpful.

1. The ex-partner seems to have caused your (former) g/f a lot of stress.  For her to get her head around all these issues must have been very confusing and distressing.  In times like these, we sometimes end up hurting the people closest to us most - and this time it was you.  You sound like you really do care for her, especially as you were worried about her having a breakdown.

2. While I can understand your response of deleting her from facebook and cutting off all contact, I think with hindsight (unfortunately, not a great gift), it possibly made things worse in the short term.  It sounds like you're aware of this though.

3. When we try to block something out of our minds, we end up thinking about it more and more (and soon it becomes an obsession).  Try really hard not to think of a pink elephant, and suddenly one goes rampaging through your brain.  Trying really hard not to think of a girl you have strong feelings for is just going to end up with you thinking all the more about her.

It seems to me that you need to pray about this and decide what the Christian response is to this situation.  Ask God what He wants you to do now - don't focus too much on the past or future, but keep grounded in the present.  You need to find peace, and it sounds like at the very least, you should be seeing if this girl is alright and finding an opportunity to apologise for cutting her off so severely.  This doesn't mean she is in the right and you are in the wrong, but being a Christian isn't about right and wrong, it's about love.

Don't put a lot of hope into the contact, because it might well be that she says she doesn't want to be in touch, or even ignores you.  However, this will at least help you move on because you'll have your answer.  You said that you put your all into this relationship.  It feels a bit like you are a big-hearted giver, and when you were hurt, you withdrew that.  Try to make contact without "putting your all" into it, but just give enough to show you care.  You have to take care of yourself also.

If you pray about it and feel you're not to make contact, then you need to find peace within yourself.  Ask for God's forgiveness for any wrong-doing and gently let go of this girl in your mind (never try and force yourself to stop thinking about something).

I pray that you will find peace soon, Peter.  God bless <><

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I am a committed Christian, based in Scotland (UK). I work as a psychologist and have a real interest in people. My main interests are Christianity, understanding people, personality, spiritual gifts and relationships. I prayerfully respond to appropriate questions on Christian Living. Please pray for me as I respond to your requests...


Experience in the area: I have been a Christian for over 12 years now and have also been involved with psychology for 13 years.

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