Christianity -- Christian Living/Restoration
Hi Ms. Ramona,this is me again, first of all thank you very much for your very prompt response, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to answer my so much repeated letter, thank you for always been so loving and caring in your responses and advice, I really appreciate it, I just wish my heart could be opened to acknowledge it, it seems that my heart has gotten hard and can not receive, I think over the course of this horrific ordeal , I have gotten angry and bitter, I am so sorry for pestering you over and over with the same issue, it has been over 2 years and in my heart I still haven't moved on, and I donot know how, and I cant. I feel so ashamed to keep asking the same thing, I feel ashamed for being a weak and coward christian, I feel so hopeless and depressed, I can not conceive a way out of this pit, I just want to die, I can not take it anymore,I am so tired and, there's so much a person can take, especially when they are all alone and abandoned; and there's so much a person can take especially when they donot have nothing to look forward to, like the example I told you about on my last letter, the example about the 2 rats, the one who was put in a dark environment and only swam for only 3 minutes, whereas the other rat who was put in an environment where a ray of light was let in, that rat amazingly swam for 36 hours, about 700% more than the other rat, just because that rat had a ray of hope. I am definitely the rat in the dark environment , there's no hope for me, I don't have anyone, no one cares about me, I do not have any family who loves me or cares about me, and I am definitely not going to try to start a family at my age (I am 48), besides I do not want anyone else, I want my husband and my family back, perhaps I was the worst wife, perhaps I was the worst mother, or even perhaps I was the worst human being, but for whatever I did, I have repented and feel that I have paid enough or maybe not, I donot want to keep living like this in this hopeless darkened world , I guess I am a coward but I dont have any more strength to keep fighting against the current, and I dont have anything to look forward to. I am so sorry to keep dumping all my pain and sorrow to you, I do not know why God seems silent to my cause, even if I am the worst human being , I am still His child, I just dont know why doesn't he give me a little ray of hope or a little sign, why doesn't He softens my husband's and daughter's heart, I do not know why not. I dont know how can some one can just keep on suffering and suffering with no hope in sight. Please forgive me for what I am going to ask you, do you think that christians who commit suicide go to hell, or do you think that God will forgive them , please let me know. and once again thank you for all of your help and I am sorry for all the pestering and complaining.
Each time I see your name I picture a beautiful delicate flower. My heart is saddened by your pain and suffering. I have prayed for wisdom as I give you counsel Indalia, for we have walked together a long time and your pain is my pain. The Scriptures tell us we are to have the 'mind of God'. We are to strive to be more and more like Jesus. My dear friend, you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that suicide would never be in the mind of Jesus. He is love. Our hope Indalia, our confidence, our expectation of good things ahead - is anchored solidly in our relationship with Him. Hope belongs uniquely to us Christians Indalia! He laid down his life for you, and covered your sins, you must let go and receive His forgiveness.He has washed your sins away. Please get ahold of that. You are restored and you are in the hands of the One who knows you the best and loves you the most.
Indalia, read the teachings on adultery. Jesus has much to say about that, and you and I are to have the same 'mind of God'. We are to think as He thinks! In Mattthew 5:27 Jesus teaches , "You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery." "But I tell you that
'anyone' who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Who, my friend, has not committed this sin? Even those who accuse you. The problem is, we cannot know the heart of another, only God knows a person's heart. Many a sin goes unknown to us because we can't see it, but Jesus can! That's why he gave this teaching.
Look at John 8:4-11 - the woman caught in adultery.
Indalia look at what your Master did. He knew the sin of rhe woman. He knew everything! The desire, the loneliness, the need, the great temptation. He knew the power of the position of the man, and how it was misused. He knew the man had little fear for there was a double standard on how the woman would be treated and how he would be treated. Jesus saw the whole picture not just what people wanted to see.
Jesus response was devastating to the Pharisees, as it is to today's Pharisees. "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." Someone needs to tell you husband and daughter this teaching again - but be more pointed! Because Jesus' response pierces their
pious armor. These proud righteous people now find themselves on the same ground as the woman. Self-righteousness is indeed sin! It is time your accusers are confronted and no more stones are thrown.
Indalia, I do not know all the facts to how you are living. This puts me at a disadvantage on how to counsel you. But it has been two years. A decision needs to be made. If your husband is not going to forgive you and ask you back into his life, you need to bring this situation to a close. You must make a life for yourself. You are a beautiful woman, a good woman, a smart woman..., a woman with a positive future. You are not defined by your sin. Jesus has cleansed you from your sin. You need to understand that you are 'perfect' 'whole' in the eyes of Jesus.
You must make a clean break. I strongly suggest that you sit down with yur husband and ask if the two of you can start over. Do not grovel, for his sins contributed to your fall. You have paid fully for your sin. If he, after two years, cannot find enough love to forgive you, then he is just torching you. That is not love. If God can forgive you, he should be able too.
You must stop being the victim, my friend. You are young and you have much to offer. If you look at the teaching, Jesus lets her tell him that her accusers have left without condemning her. She's now facing this merciful Judge (Jesus), who is not her enemy. But He neither minimizes nor covers up her sin. She is to rid herself of it, cut it out like she would a cancer. Otherwise it will destroy her. By you allowing your husband to string you along and treat you as an outcast, you are not doing as Jesus asks of you. Cut the cancer out! Make a clean cut! If your husband has no intention to 'make a new life' with you, tell him it's over and you will have no more contact (in any way). You must Indalia, take charge of your circumstances, and stop allowing your circumstances to take charge of you. You are bigger than that! You are smarter than that. Like the woman in the story, you Indalia, have had the door of grace opened to you, and you have been given an opportunity for a new beginning. Guilt is not the last word - but HOPE!
If you must, you can start over Indalia. You must look to your strengths and build on them. You are a lovely person and you have much to offer. You must make new friends and trust others to stand by you. There are a lot of lonely people out there Indalia, a lot of people that need a friend. Find a job that puts you with good people and start cultivating relationships. Find an apartment that you can afford, and start anew. Get a sweet pet to love so you have something to come home too.
Indalia, I strongly urge you to seek professional help to work through this stress. Therapy is a god thing, dear one. It helps you handle your emotions with consistency. You're never alone. Please consider doing this. Know that I am your friend Indalia, we are sisters in Christ. I care for your well-being. It matters to me that you are in pain. But I assure you, precious one, God is sufficient for all your needs. You must put your full trust in Him and walk forward in faith that He will provide for you, His child. Keep in touch, Icare deeply.
Rev. Ramona Stonecipher