Christianity -- Christian Living/Follow up
Sorry, maybe I wasn't very clear with my first question. What really concerns and worrys me is why I want to do this. What is wrong with me? Why do I think it is okay. Why do I have troubling stopping.
Lisa, again, please forgive my delay. In driving across the country, my schedule and Internet access have been in flux.
To answer your questions, this desire and pleasure you have is in you because you are a part of the corrupted human race. We all have matters of corruption in various areas. In my case, gambling got a hold of me and enslaved me and nearly ruined my life. Jesus offered me freedom from that, and now I am free of its power. Of course, there are other areas He's addressing in me, just as He will address the lust in you that you understand to be corrupt. Jesus is neither surprised nor shocked by your sin, but He is determined to rid you of it. Enjoying that which is sinful is not uncommon, though different people may enjoy different sinful things than you do. I would like to assure you that your desire for and enjoyment of these things is no reason to panic, but they are reason to get serious about seeking the Master's rescue.
To be honest, the slavery you face might be sexual in general, and not just specifically homosexual lust. Sexual images - whatever they are - can be arousing to someone caught in the grip of sexual addiction. I don't know how you deal with male images, but I think it would be a mistake to see it as a lesbian issue specifically. Many men would be aroused by male images, not because they are homosexual, but because the images are sexual in nature. Such images trigger something in our brains and bodies very naturally. Natural doesn't always mean acceptable, and purposefully engaging in it, as in your case, is a natural sin that must be dealt with. Remember, Jesus is not concerned primarily with whether you are homosexual; He wants you to live the righteous and full life you were created to live. Any sexual corruption is outside of that good life, so I suggest coming honestly to Him, admitting humbly your problem and powerlessness to overcome it yourself. He is aware and very ready to come to the rescue. He will use His people in much of the process, but much of it will be between you and Him personally.
You are like all of us - in need and weak on your own. Your struggle is different than others', but the person to whom you can and should turn is the same. The heart is the fundamental place that needs correction. Then the mind. Jesus truly is expert in transforming both. If you are willing to enter into a serious process with Him, you will find deep and lasting change - in this area and in countless others.