Expert: Phillip Senn - 6/8/2007

Question
My husband left our marriage on April 20 to return to England, where he is a citizen.  He knew before he left that he was violating the requirements of his visa and pending citizenship status and would likely not be able to return.  I am four months pregnant with our child.  Before he left, he informed me that he was going to file for divorce and told me he would like me to have the baby adopted.  Since his return to England, he has continually demanded that I join him there.  I want very much to do the right thing in God's eyes, but my husband's behavior contradicts the rhetoric I hear from him.  He has been acting in a deceitful and secretive manner and he seems to have no interest in me or the baby.  I feel that my desire to please God is being used by my husband as a manipulation.  I don't believe he is pleasing God with his actions and I've lost respect for him as the spiritual leader he should be in our home.  I'm in a great deal of turmoil day and night, and facing severe financial and health obstacles, along with the approaching birth of my baby.  Whenever I tell him about any of this, he just tells me that it should prove to me that God is displeased because I haven't gone to England to join him.  I have completely lost all trust in him because of things that have happened in the past - and because he continues to behave in a way that indicates he has little concern for me or the baby.  It's a difficult proposition to move to a foreign country where you have no emotional support and a husband who is generally detached and untrustworthy.  He accuses me of disobedience, but I've told him I don't believe God requires blind stupidity.  My husband has essentially gone back to his mother, who has caused problems in our marriage.  I don't feel we have any chance of success at a relationship where she is nearby and able to interfere continually.  How far must I go before I draw the line?  I've continued to exercise faithfulness and patience with regards to my husband, but I feel that he is just stringing me along.  I would very much appreciate any scriptural guidance you can provide.  Thank you.

Answer
Jennifer,

I am sorry that you are experiencing this trauma in your marriage and in your life. There are many passages relating to marriage in Scripture. Because I am not sure of your, and you husband's, relationship with the Lord, it makes my answer somewhat difficult. If both of you are believers in Christ, then both of you have certain responsibilities before the Lord to make the marriage work.

1. You are to be submissive to your husband (Eph. 5:22 & Col. 3:18).
2. He is to leave his mother and his father and cling to his wife (Gen. 2:24; Mat. 19:5; Mark 10:7; Eph 5:31).
3. He is to love his wife, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (Eph 5:25).
There are others as well, but I think you know all of this, if you are a believer, and it appears that you are, based on your statements.

This man seems somewhat confused. Does he want a divorce, as he indicated? or does he want you to join him in England? He sounds as a man trying to get you to come there, but he doesn't sound as if he is committed to a lasting relationship. He could be wanting you there because of the differences in the laws. This is where it gets sticky.

If He is not a believer, having never trusted Christ as his Saviour, the Scripture says, "If the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace (I Corinthians 7:15).

I understand that there are many issues that you are facing now. One in particular, is that wonderful miracle that God has created within you. You will need support with this child, both financially, emotionally and spiritually. May I suggest that you try finding a good church family that will help to be supportive through these difficulties. They may have specific ministries designed to assist you at this time.

Concerning the divorce, if he wants the divorce, do not fight him on it, God has called us to peace. If he wants to make the relationship work, I would suggest that he take the responsibilities, that a husband is supposed to have, in providing for you and your child. This may be why he decided to leave. He may not want the responsibilities. He should have thought about this before saying the vows and becoming one with his wife. He certainly should have thought about this before impregnating his wife with a child.

I generally say to the wife that she should submit to her husband in all things. I would again have to say that is the Biblical approach. However, you were not the one that decided that you wanted a divorce, and left. He was. Scripture indicates that he has the responsibility here. You are not to be bound by his indiscretions.

I hope this has provided some Scriptural insight into how to deal with these issues.

With Love In Christ,
Phillip Senn