Expert: Reverend Ramona Carlene Stonecipher - 12/23/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello Rev. Stonecipher,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this.  I gave up on the "Christian God" several years ago, but I having a really rough time, and when things get really difficult, I tend to gravitate back toward trying to find answers on a higher level.  If you don't mind, I'd like to tell you my story.  I haven't been able to tell anyone in a long time.

I grew up in the Lutheran church.  My parents were very involved, running Christmas pageants, teaching Sunday School, serving on committees, helping other church members.  We went to church every Sunday.  My brother and sister and I sang in the choir and attended Sunday School.  We weren't the most religious family on the block, but church was a major part of our lives.

The funny thing is, I never felt it.  I wanted to.  I tried to believe.  I tried to feel the peace or joy or other emotion that the pastor said we should feel at whatever reading or event was taking place.  I never felt it.  

In 1997, when I was 12, my newborn brother died.  I think both my parents stopped believing in God then.  I was confirmed later that year, my brother a year later, and my sister a year after that.  Then we pretty much stopped going to church.  

Within a very short time after my brother died, I was raped by a trusted authority figure who took advantage of the disconnected and wounded state my entire family was in.  This person's abuse lasted for six months.  My family knows nothing about it.

Life went on, and my parents worked through their grief enough to be parents again.  I pushed my hurt aside until several years later when I went to college.  I spent several years doing a lot of intense, painful soul-searching, and healed considerably.  I don't think one can ever heal completely from such a mess, but I was doing about as well as anyone could hope or expect.  I finished my bachelor's degree and thought I was moving on.

In the context of religion, I pushed the idea of "God" aside completely.  When I was being rape, during the actually abuse itself, I remember praying that it would stop.  It didn't for months and months and months.  Then I remember praying that someone would notice what was going on, and...  I don't know what... Act like they cared?  That would have been nice.  That didn't happen.  Then I remember praying that "God" would make me not feel so alone, since in church one of the messages was that God can give comfort that no human can.  All I wanted was to not feel so abandoned.  And I never felt anything except more alone.  I felt like I was so unimportant that even God couldn't be bothered to care.  So I learned to survive by keeping people at arm's length and relying only on myself.  

In addition, I studied science in college, and got into the habit of questioning everything.  In doing so, I lost a lot of respect for mainstream Christians who tend to pick and choose verses from the Bible that support their viewpoints, e.g. homosexuality is totally, completely immoral and an abomination based on a vague verse; while shrimp and other shellfish are cool, even though the Bible clearly states shellfish are unclean and should never be consumed.  But I digress...

By the time I finished my bachelor's degree, I was engaged to a great guy named Daniel.  He knew my story and loved me anyway, which I hadn't thought was possible.  I started a master's degree, and had the opportunity to spend a summer working in a very poor, rural area of Europe teaching English and Animal Science.  While I was there, I stayed at a hotel for a weekend.  The owner of the hotel broke in in the middle of the night, raped me, and I got pregnant.

When I got home a month later, I told my fiancée what had happened.  He told me that no matter what I decided to do, he would be there, 100%.  I was so relieved!  I had already decided that not only was I going to have the baby, I was going to keep and raise him.  That was the last conversation I had with Daniel.  When I left that afternoon, be disappeared completely.  I've not seen or heard from him since.  (By the way, I know he's alive and well.  I called and talked to him mom after Daniel's disappearing act.  He clearly didn't and doesn't want contact with me.)

That was about two and a half years ago.  When I was four months pregnant, I was in a serious car accident and had a miscarriage.  I was just about to tell my parents what had happened and that their first grandson was on his way, but I ended up not telling them anything.  A few friends know, but I rarely talk to them lately.  They have their own lives, and I don't think calling any of them for support would be any benefit anyway.  You might deduce from this that my friends aren't very good friends, and you'd be right.

I've finished my Master's and I've taken a "good" job about 3 hours away from my college friends and two and a half hours away from my family.  When I say "good" job, I mean well paying and with potential for a stable career.  I hate it, and find it completely unfulfilling.  I'm already back in school getting my teaching certificate so I can have a career that means something other than making stockholders rich.  I'm looking forward to starting teaching high school Biology in the fall.  

This week has been very difficult.  My son would be almost two years old now, and I imagine he would be so excited about Christmas.  I'm away from my family and friends, though I'll be traveling home for Christmas.  I feel so lonely...  But the idea of reaching out and being rejected yet again (by friends, family [though somewhat unknowlingly], even God) is too painful to even try.

I've also tried seeking counseling again recently.  Unfortunately, my company's health insurance doesn't cover any mental health services, and this is an extremely small community with no free rape crisis counseling centers.  

Back to the whole religion thing, I think I'm searching for "why."  I wish I understood the rhyme or reason is behind these events.  Granted, I'm highlighting the negatives in the above story, so you're getting skewed picture of my reality, but this seems a little extreme and ridiculous for one person to have to deal with on their own.  Is there some lesson that I'm supposed to learn?  Because all I'm getting right now is, "Don't trust anyone, no one cares about you, and the world is horribly unsafe."  I don't think that's the message I'm supposed to get, and I think that lesson is incompatible with what the Bible teaches of God.  

Logically, I know there's no real answer to "why" that I'm ever going to understand, in a religious context, a societal context, or a statistical context.  I understand the question I should be asking is "how," as in, "how can I make things better tomorrow, given what I'm starting from today?"  At the moment, I'm at a loss for answering that, too.

I just want to feel less alone.

Also, if you were planning on suggesting turning to my parents for support, that's not a viable option.  The harm that knowing all this would cause to them would greatly outweigh any benefit I might gain from sharing it.  

Rev. Stonecipher, do you have any suggestions?  

My grandmother called me a few weeks back and asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  I told her the name of the textbook for class next semester, but I lied.  What I really want is my son back.  And if I can't have him, I'd like my fiancée back.  

I understand that those two things are impossible, so all I'd like is to not feel so alone.  But I'm starting to think that's impossible, too.

Thank you for listening.

ANSWER: Dearest Georgina,
 Thank you for sharing your story with me....  I'm so sorry for the pain you have, and are,   experiencing.  No one should have to go through what you have.  Needless to say, I cannot 'fix' all your problems, nor do I think you expect me to.  But I will try to address those that I feel I can shed some light on in a 'simple' email.

 I certainly believe that you need to be in counseling.  The things you have shared with me are too raw for you to handle alone.  I'm sorry that you chose not to share this tragedy with your parents.  But I understand that children often are threatened and made to believe that this sick act is all their fault.  It wasn't. You were just an innocent child.  What happened to you was evil.  I'm so sorry.

 I'm sorry that your parents were broken and couldn't see the pain in your little face. Obviously, they were in need of deep healing.  How horrible to lose a newborn child - to carry it nine months, only to bury it upon it's birth.  Your poor mother and father...  
Grief takes many paths... Some people never heal completely.  I can only imagine the heartache in your home.  

 I hope you can forgive your parents for closing out the world and not seeing your silent cries for help. They were only going through the motions... Life didn't make any sense to them. Their 'why's' weren't answered either. They too, must have cried out, "Where were you God?"  "How did you let this happen?"  "What kind of love is this?"  I have no doubt they cried until there were no more tears.  When there are no more tears, there's nothing much left to give.... anybody.

 As a child, in pain, there was no way that you could understand their lack of insight.  Hindsight, and growing up, allows all of us to ask why and see answers (right or wrong)___, but as a child in the midst of fear and confusion, you didn't even know the questions. Life just happened. People you thought you could trust was not trustworthy. Parents who were supposed to make things right... didn't. Silence buried facts. Heartache veiled a mother and father's eyes. An child moved from innocence to victim. A friend became an enemy and walked free. Where is the justice?

 I read your email around 1:00 AM___ decided I would answer you tomorrow.  Obviously, my heart is heavy and I feel I must at least attempt to answer you.  I applaud you for trying to make a life for yourself - amazing!  How strong you must be to pursue your education and achieve your desired goals! Again, amazing!  In regard to your job - Praise God you have one!  I'm sorry it's not the one you want, but hopefully, you can give your best and make it serve you well.  There is good all around you, you must look for it.

In regard to your friends___ You have not shared anything about them really - so I don't know that they are not 'good' friends.  Are you a good friend?  You have not shared what you give to others - what's important to you, what you need.  Friends compliment each other.  They help make you complete.  If they are closed, perhaps you must ask yourself if you are closed.  When we build a wall, often it's not to keep others out, but to keep us in.

From the experiences you have shared with me, I have no doubt you have a problem with trust. It's understandable. This is an issue that you need to work through with a good counselor. And, my friend, you will not resolve it quickly. You're an educated woman and I know I'm not telling you anything new.  But knowing something and ignoring it, won't make it go away.  Somebody broke you. What I'm saying is, dear one, you need help in getting yourself fixed.  You're worth it.

In regard to God, I don't know what you want me to say.  There is a God, I know He cares for you.  I'm sorry the minister told you that you needed to 'feel' something.... when he was reading a text.  But each pastor has his/her own way to present the Truth of God.  After hearing your story, I would have a thousand questions, in regard to your spiritual upbringing.  Many a people sit in a pew a whole lifetime and never know God personally!  Maybe they were never taught correctly.  Maybe they didn't pay attention. Maybe they didn't listen..... really.  I have to say, you sound like a very bright young woman - one that seeks things out of life.  I wonder if you were like that as a child.  When the Sunday School teachers told you the stories of Jesus, did you get excited and wonder what He was like?  When you learned his teachings - did you think about how wise he was?  Did you wish you were that wise?  When He began to help people and make the blind see, or by His Word alone, cause a cripple man to walk..... Did you want to know more?  Did you want to believe...  It didn't have to be about 'feelings', it was about Truth, Love! Compassion! Hope!  It was about a baby boy, growing into a Man, a Divine Man, who loved you so much that He gave His life to save you......... It was all about unconditional love.  Didn't you want to understand what unconditional love really is?
         .......................I did.

You say you wanted to believe. God says that if you seek you will find.  Did you seek Him or did you think being a Christian is going to church and singing in the choir, etc.....  Believing in Jesus Christ is all about relationship - relationship with the 'person' of Christ.  How do you or did you, cultivate your personal relationship with Him? Sitting in a pew or singing in a choir won't do it. How did you cultivate your relationship with yor boyfriend? Did you go sit somewhere or sing a song?  Or did you talk to him... share with him....love him......listen to him...honor him....  (Just some things to think about.)

You see, my friend, whether you believe in God or not, does not change that there is a loving God.  And that loving God, once we 'choose' to believe and walk with Him, promises to never leave us.

Now, you shared that you never 'felt' anything in regard to God, yet, you said you were 'confirmed' (1997). A few paragraphs later you say 'I pushed the idea of God aside completely."  Let me ask you, dear one, "What did you confirm?"  If you believed nothing, what was this ritual?  In essence, you made an empty promise, to an empty God, to a blind church, to a pastor that apparently didn't take his calling seriously. Wow!  So I guess, numbers was the game! Church membership!  And according to you, you seldom attended church after that. I guess all the memorization - all the spiritual questions were just 'show'.  The pastor 'did his thing' and all of you did too, now we all move on.  Sad.  No wonder you have no relationship with your Father in heaven.

I'm sorry that you have a tainted view of Christians.  Perhaps you have been around those that  have a different understanding than you, but I encourage you not to put all Christians in the same basket.  Like you, many do not study the Scriptures, and they often quote verses out of context.  And I promise you, my friend, there are no vague verses in the Bible. Note: The Bible does not clearly state that shellfish should never be consumed.  God showed Peter that all 'unclean' is now clean and can be eaten. We must study both the Old Testament and the New to get the whole picture.  Everyone - everyone, chooses verses to support what they/you feel is truth.

Let's talk for a minute about prayer. Earlier you said you pushed the 'idea' of God aide completely.  The 'idea' of God___ What do you mean by that?  How do you pray to an 'idea'?  How do you ask an 'idea' for anything?  What you are saying, if I take you seriously, is that you don't believe there is a God, and therefore, you don't believe IN God, so when you pray you don't expect to get what you're asking for.  Right!  Then, I guess you got what you expected. Nothing!  Dear one, as long as you don't believe, then you're wasting your time praying. Because an 'idea' has no love and no power. An 'idea' can not give you comfort or hear your prayers.  An 'idea' cannot save you, but God can.

When your heart/head are open....and you are truly seeking Truth, I ask you to think on these things. Do not rely on feelings - feelings are not trustworthy.  Rely on facts. Here is what the Word of God teaches and what I believe as a Christian.
 *We believe God is a loving, personal being - not some impersonal force.
 *We believe God is a moral, responsible being.  The pain and the ugliness that mar our lives
     are evidence of human failure, not of divine indifference.
 *We believe that God is active in our world. Evidence of God's involvement is found in
     history past, culminting in the man, Christ Jesus, Also His handiwork is recognized
     by the eyes of faith, but is also visible to all human beings who trust themselves to
     Jesus.
 *We believe in Jesus. The unique person we meet in Jesus of Nazareth is truly God the Son.
 *We believe Jesus lived and died on earth as a real human being. He took on the limitations
     of man and walked among us. He died upon the cross to save us from our sins.
 *Jesus lives today in resurrection. He is seated at the right hand of God the Father.
     There he intercedes for us and carries out his role as the living head of the church
     that is his body (people).
 *We believe Jesus lives within us.  Jesus takes up residence in those who believe in Him.
 *We believe in the Holy Spirit, who is God.
 *We believe the Holy Spirit (God) energies us today. We, who believe, are sealed with the
     very spirit of God. The Holy Spirit is the source of the fruit of divine transformation
     : love, joy, peace, patience, goodness and all that marks us as Jesus' own.

My friend, there is so much more that we Christians believe.... but this is some of the basics. God/Jesus, is not an 'idea'.  God is a person. We have a relationship with the person of Jesus (God).  From your writings, it seems that you do not know Him. It is my hope and prayer that your heart will be touched and you will realize that God loves you and wants you to believe in Him.  You, however, have freewill.  You are not a puppet.  Just like we humans, we want people to 'choose' to love us - we don't want to 'make' them.  God wants us to choose Him.

You say you have chosen to rely on yourself.  I understand. But my friend, you and I cannot fix that which is broken.  But as the Scripture says, "All things are possible with God."  God is the Creator and we are the created.  Think on that for a while.  Your heart is broken.....
Your spirit is broken.... God is the Great Physician.  He says, "Come!  Come, let us reason together."  "My peace I give you, not the world's peace, but My peace."  I pray that one day you will accept his invitation. You deserve that peace, my friend.

My God's hand be at your back and His light upon your path.
Blessings,
Rev. Stonecipher

*Please forgive if this is not as well written as it should be.  It is 3:00AM and I need to get to bed. I just needed to get some thoughts out to you.  You are in my prayers, dear one.




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Speaking of God, Himself, I never completely stopped believing in God, even to this day.  There was a time that I didn’t want to believe in God, because it didn’t want to think that a God would let things like this happen to people who tried to love Him.  That was a relatively short step in the healing process, and I came to understand that, as you stately more clearly than I could, this was an act stemming from certain people’s misuse of free will, not an act of inattention or personally directed loathing from God.  

This is hard for me to explain because it’s not quite clear in my head…  I am not so arrogant as to think that God would personally intervene and change any situation I find myself in, whether I pray or not.  I’m not even sure that God “works that way.”  Then again, who am I to assume I know or understand how God might “work?”  Growing up, I learned to think of prayer not as a means of trying to get what I want, a la writing a list for Santa Claus.  I was taught to think of prayer as a source of strength and security.  Prayer was a way to acknowledge that God is in control and the situation is already handled, even if I may not understand.  I remember clearly having a conversation in Sunday School about prayer (I was probably 10 years old), and the take-away message was, “You may or may not get what you want by praying, but you should feel better knowing the situation is under control.”  Maybe this message is incorrect.  Maybe I didn’t take from the conversation what the teacher had hoped my classmates and I would.  

Anyway, I know were times when I prayed in the midst of particularly difficult situations for help that never came.  I’m okay with that.  However, the feeling of strength or security or caring, the real thing I was after, also never came.  

Maybe you’re right that feelings are unreliable, but to me, studying the Word without feeling is comparable to reading a fitness magazine, and praying without feeling is just like talking to one’s self.  

Your analogy of cultivating a spiritual relationship as compared to a romantic relationship is interesting.  Of course, I listened to and talked with my fiancée, spent time with him, respected him, and loved him.  I enjoyed our conversations, our time together.  But I also enjoyed feeling loved and respected and feeling important to someone.  It was a two-way street.  In my so-called relationship with God, I can’t say for certain that I’ve “given” correctly or in the way that would be approved of by others.  But I’ve given in the best way I’ve known how.  In return, I’ve gained some academic knowledge of the Bible and its stories.  But I’ve felt no love, no peace, no hope.  I can’t help but feel the relationship has been one-sided, and that’s left me unwilling to put more effort in.  At the same time, I’m obviously drawn to explore faith time and again.  Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this email!  Does this make any sense?

Answer
Hi Georginia,
My analogy of cultivating a relationship had to do with the time we put in to knowing someone. The answers we seek... the love we share, etc.  And indeed, one must feel.  But to base one's faith just on feelings is not the thing to do - feelings are not trustworthy.  My statement was not a judgment on you in any way. Who am I or anyone else to say whether you had 'given' of yourself correctly! My remarks we given so you could think on different paths.  Perhaps you gave or addressed your Savior in the best way you were taught, but I've learned there are many paths to God, and sometimes people need some guidance along the way.  We are counseled to seek fellowship with other Christians.  As a result, we gain strength and wisdom by being around those that seek to be in His presence and to serve Him.  Our relationship grows as we hear his Word preached and taught. The Bible assures us of that.  Our faith grows when we see how God is working in other believers lives.  Together we learn to pray.  We study the word and learn the promises that Jesus has recorded for us.  He teaches us how he comes to us and works in the details of our lives.  The more we know someone, the more we know what we can expect from that individual. We know that Jesus backs his words by looking to the cross.  He does what He says He will do.  To the believer, my friend, the relationship is never one-sided.  Jesus gave His all for you and me.  He laid down his life for us.  When one gives His all.... how can we not feel and know the love He has for us.  The cross is your assurance that 'it' is handled.  It's what He has done for us, for all eternity.

I can understand, as a child, you wanted help out of your horrible situation. Of couse nothing made sense to you. But as an adult, you see with different eyes.  You know lies were told to you.  An adult used power to oppress you. Your parents had no idea what was happening to you. You were powerless.  I can't begin to state the evil that you were living through. But according to what you have shared with me, no one was informed that you needed help.  No doubt, hindsight has informed you of a thousand things you could/should have done, but you were a child. How does one react in the face of fear?  Many an adult could not set themselves free either.  Many, like you, didn't tell.

Could we put together a scenero that would change the outcome?  Of course.  Would your parents, if they had known, pull on their faith and gain strength from God to put an end to your horror?  Having lost one child, would God give them the strength to fight for their other one? I have no doubt that God would have provided.  I've witnessed it a hundred times in my ministry. Would God have opened doors to have this man removed from your circle and intervened so he would receive just judgment?  I believe so.  God works through other people and gives wisdom where wisdom is needed, if we ask for such guidance.  

I don't think it is being arrogant to expect God to intervene in our lives. After all, upon believing in Him, when we ask Jesus into our life, we are sealed with His very spirit (Holy Spirit).  The Bible teaches that the Spirit is present to empower us.  He is the one who ministers to all believers.  What the Spirit does through us is expressed in the concept of spiritual gifts.  Not only do these various enablements make it possible for us to contribute to the spiritual welfare of others, but they enable us to walk in step with God.  The bottom line is, for the believer, the Spirit is our helper in every need (John 14:15-17, 25-26; 15:26-27; 16:7-15).  The Spirit opens our eyes to the meaning of what Jesus taught, and he leads us into truth (John 14:25-26; 16:12-13; I Cor. 2:10, 12-14).  Lok at Rom. 8:4-5.... The Spirit guides your steps.  And in regrd to prayer, it is the Spirit that assists you when you pray (Rom. 8:26).  So you see, my friend, the relationship is never one-sided.  God is involved.  Perhaps emotions prevent us from feeling God's presence, but that doesn't mean He is not present and working in our lives.

Interesting analogy on prayer and a fitness magazine.  I would say, praying without 'believing' is an empty prayer.  The Bible teaches that we must 'believe' that God is able when we ask anything of Him. No doubt, there are feelings involved in believing.  So praying without believing, is like talking to yourself.  I think you understand what I was saying earlier.

I encourage you to dwell in some of the Scriptures that speak to prayer: Heb. 4:16 for instance, reminds us that because we do know Jesus as Savior, we "approach the throne of grace with confidence," certain that we will "receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Remaining close to Jesus, and responsive to him, maintains the intimacy of relationship that assures us our prayers are heard (see John 15:7; 16:23-24).  Here you see how God acts in our behalf. As Holy Spirit, God lives 'within' each of us to facilitate the intimate exchange we know as prayer. When we don't know what we ought to pray, the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words can't express (Rom. 8:26-27).  So, with this 'aid' you and I can pray "in aqccordance with God's will."  What I am saying is, that all true prayer flows out of relationship, expresses relationship, and rests on relationship. Indeed, it is a two-way street. As you and I live close to the Lord, trusting him, depending on him, obeying him, we experience an assurance that comes from 'knowing' that as we call out to him, our God is eager to respond and meet our need.

I am pleased that you are drawn to explore your relationship with God. I think counseling would benefit you greatly in this search though.  After all, the things you've experienced, as a child, had to cause disappointment and anger about God. Not understanding how such an ugly and evil thing could happen to you is natural. Not grasping how you could get help is understandable. Fear is devastating!  When you needed understanding, there was no one to explain what and why things happened - you were alone.  Hindsight is not the same as being in the moment. While hindsight sheds light on the situation, the emotions/feelings that you bring to the situation now, are different and groomed with broken adult logic.  Therefore, the search continues.......

And yes, my friend, what you say makes sense. We all live in a world of 'why's'. We all search for Truth.  And a thought to ponder.... In regard to relationship with Jesus, whenever you experience a moment of joy or goodness.... Whenever you find yourself being patient with someone or yourself.... Or you find the need to be gentle.....to love.....  Know that this is God working within you.  He truly is in the details of your life.  He always, my friend, holds up his end of the relationship.  Unfortunately, many do not recognize that all good comes from God.  He is love.........

Blessings upon you,
In Him,
Rev. Stonecipher