Expert: Marsha Cunningham - 2/22/2011

Question
My husband of 34 years told me 3 days ago that he is having an affair with a co worker.  He said he is in love with her.  I have decided that I can not control him talking to her, seeing her, etc.  I can only control me and how I respond to him.  My mind is reeling with thoughts of them.  I can't let myself do that.  It is making me crazy.  Every time she enters my thoughts I have been praying the "Hail Mary".  Please give me another prayer to help me get through this.  I feel I need as many prayers to pull from as possible.  I teach first grade so I have to be able to function for my students.

Answer
Dear Becky,

My heart goes out to you. I also taught grades k-3rd and always shared with others that the most important thing for a teacher to do was to take good care of herself to be at her best for the students.
 
I suppose you are Catholic and don’t believe in divorce; I don’t like to see it either, except in cases of adultery where the vows are already broken.  You shouldn’t have to live under the same roof with this condition, but if you must then the only thing for you to do is, with the courage of Christ, rise above it.

Of course your husband cannot possibly  love her, for the Bible says God is Love.  This is lust and self-will, the devil seeking to destroy you, your home, and perhaps family also. God is the setter of the affections not the disturber of them.  In order to rise above this you have to see yourself clearly as the image and likeness of your Father, His loved daughter in whom He is well pleased.  But you must see them also in the same way, as Jesus told us to love our enemies, which means to see them as God really made them, not the way they seem to mortal eyes.  “Let God be true and every (mortal) man a liar.”  “All things were made by Him and without him was not anything made that was made.”  This affair was not made by God so consequently it was not made; period.  You must keep seeing it like this.  There is an old hymn,” If God didn’t say it it’s never been said; If God didn’t do it it’s never been done”, and so on like that.  Maybe you’ve heard it.  That would be a good thought to stick with.

To my way of thinking, based on the several Bible quotes above, I would fix it firmly in my heart that if it’s not true according to God, then it’s not true for you.  Jesus came, walking over the waves for a purpose.  Not to just show what he could do, but he told us to go and do likewise.  Pray: Father, show me how to walk over these waves of self-pity, anguish, heartbreak,  and embarrassment  which are trying to wash over me.  Show me how to have the mind of Christ Jesus which we are told that we must do; I know that that will heal this situation”.  It will cause the situation to change or remove you from it in the most effectual way.  “With man things are impossible, but with God all things are possible”.

Jesus raised the dead and the dead of understanding. “Father, show your divine Truth to all of us; raise us all from the life-less and love-less non-understanding into the new understanding of how you see everything.  Jesus told us to repent.  Repent means to think again.  Jesus knew that we needed a new way to see things and everything that he told us to do requires a change of attitude.  Ask to see this change in everyone around you and include yourself.
 
Be all that God made you to be.  Stand up straight; hold your head up; strive for sincerity in everything you say, letting yourself say only what God would have you to say.  Don’t fuss, complain, nag, cry, crumble, stumble or fall.  Ask God for help moment by moment and thank Him for holding you up.  Refuse to condemn or scorn your husband or the woman; say no to the devil  suggestions that you do so and say, “Father I see them only as you do and you ‘are of purer eyes than to behold evil'.

Do the most for yourself to develop all of your God given talents and gifts. Hum hymns while you do the house work and cook, or drive.  Your desire for God’s will makes you superior to the situation, and master of it.  Know this.  This is what Jesus taught us.
Beautify everything in your home and yard.  Go for walks.  Live an ideal and perfect life; put the upmost order in everything you touch.  Work with yourself, for as you say, you can’t do anything about them but only with yourself.  If you have children, don’t talk to them about it.  They will feel put in the middle.  Let them find out by themselves.

Keep praying, “Not my will, by Thine be done”.  Do not wish for a particular outcome.  Pray to be satisfied with however it works out.  If he leaves you then you will be the better for it.  If he leaves her you will still be the better for it.  Don’t let it touch you- body or soul. Say to the storms of emotion, “Peace, be still.”  As a Christian you can say this with the authority of Christ Jesus.  It’s what he told us to do, to cast out demons.

Don’t tell people about it.  Don’t rehearse it even with yourself.  Take the babe, of the new you, into Egypt and hide there until he who seeks your life is dead.  You are heading for a new life. This has no power over you but you have power over it.  It will lift you up as nothing before has.  Our enemies are literally our best friends, as sorrow never leaves us where it found us, but if rightly understood, will advance us on toward the high mark.  Take it as the challenge of your life and be promoted.
 
Along the human footsteps line, you should probably also see a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself, even if you don’t want divorce.  Also, be civil toward him but don’t try to please him.  Please God.  Treat him the way you did before you met him, just like everyone else.  By being completely dependent on God you will be completely independent of him and know that your strength, based in kindness and humility will show, will glow and will carry you.  

Best to you,
Sincerely,
Marsha Cunningham