Expert: Reverend Ramona Carlene Stonecipher - 7/3/2011

Question
Dear Reverend, I am in agony, such despair that I am filled daily with anxiety that is wearing me out and making me ill. You see I have been in a relationship for 7 years living together , and for the past 3 yrs. I have wanted to leave this man and the relationship. I do not have the courage. I suffer from Bipolar , anxiety and PTSD, I am on medication and see a therapist and a Dr. who prescribes my medications.  I ask of you to please help me find my way to leave this unhappy relationship, it is doing me harm emotionally , I am ready to have a breakdown, I pray to the Lord, I cry to The Lord, I ask of Him to show me the way, to guide me.  I am not a practicing Christian, I am of the Catholic Belief , but I do not know the ways of prayer or how to even ask my Lord for help.My therapist tells me I just have to leave and have Faith that everything will work out. But I am so scared. I also am on Disability because I was too scared to apply for jobs, so in a similar way these are alike. I cant go on much longer, I am almost 52 and I want a life, my life. I will never ever take my life but if this is how I am going to live for the next 30 or so years? I just dont understand why God has me here? Please help me ? Thank you.

Answer
Hi Jennifer,
    Thank you for writing, perhaps I can shed some light and hope on your situation.  I can see that you are in agony and quite frustrated with your circumstances. It is good that you are under a Doctor's care, and very wise that you have sought out therapy.  I hope you will continue
with this process.  If you truly are near a 'breakdown' then I encourage you to follow your therapist advice and remove yourself from the situation.   You say you have prayed and cried out to the Lord for guidance - why is it that you don't see that God is guiding you through your therapist? Therapist want what is best for their beloved client.  Or, is it that your therapist hasn't gone far enough with his/her council. Perhaps he hasn't helped you to understand how to achieve your goal.  How can someone advise one to have 'faith' when they don't even know if that person is in a relationship with our Creator God?  Have faith in what/whom?

Jennifer, I too believe that you need to remove yourself from the home and the relationship. In fact, I'll go a step further and say I even doubt that there is a relationship at this point (not like the one you both enjoyed at the beginning).  Perhaps ending the relationship would be a relief to your friend as well.  As I've read your thoughts over and over, asking the Lord to give me discerenment, I have come to believe that you need help in figuring out 'how' you can take steps to achieve your desired goal.  I think your therapist is right in saying 'You just have to leave...' but, my friend, it takes more than faith to make sure everything works out. It takes careful planning and hopefully a good support group,  

I could give you a good 'solid-sounding' prayer to call on God for guidance, but that too would carry only a dictionary meaning,  For you see, dear one, our relationship with God is not one of a 'Santa Claus' in the sky (calling on Him when we want something and expecting Him to deliver), it is a relationship of 'love' and respect. It's a relationship in which we enjoy His presence in the everyday details of our lives.  He's our best friend!  In that kind of relationship, it's a necessity to know His mind - to know why He thinks you're so special.

You shared that you're of the Catholic faith, yet you're not a practicing Christian.  What does that mean to you - to God?  Does that mean you feel about God, your Holy Father, as you feel about the man you are living with?  Stop and ponder that question for a moment. Don't go over it to fast.  I'm asking you to do some inner spiritual exploratory surgery and see if you see a pattern.  You say you've been in a relationship for seven years......  How many years were you a practicing Christian?  Do you consider a 'practicing Catholic' the same as a practicing Christian?  The answer to that question is very important.  God knows the answer - but do you?  If I go with the thoughts you've shared with me, sometime before or during those seven years, you decided you no longer wanted to be in a relationship with Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior.  So you put distance between the two of you. Your friend, the one you're living with, apparently supported you in your decision.  Now, your current relationship (man-friend) is no longer fullfilling, and living against the teachings of your Father have sowed seeds that you don't want to harvest.  The pain and frustration is growing to such a degree that relief must come soon.  Who can help?  Who will help?  How can I help myself?

Jennifer, I won't pretend to tell you this will be easy.  God said we will reap what we sow.  You will have to face some difficult issues.  Life is about choices, and the fact is, you've made some bad choices.  What most people don't realize is, when we make a choice,we also choose the consequences.  God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, always - ALWAYS gives us a way out.  We have free-will, but we have the guidance of the a Holy Spirit of God to give us the wisdom for our choices.  But my friend, we have to ask for that wisdom.

The Holy Spirit writes in James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him/her ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to him,"  And Jennifer, you need to dwell in verse 6 as well.., "BUT let him ask 'in faith' with no doubting....,"  This, my friend, requires a relationship.  How can we have faith in someone/Someone that we do not know - do not walk with - do not want in our life?  What am I saying?  I'm saying a relationship calls for something from both parties.

In the case of prayer, I cannot do for you what only you must do for yourself.  Prayer is simply talking with God.  Jesus says, "My 'own' know My voice, and I know theirs."  Question: Do you belong to Jesus?  Do you believe in Him, and have you accepted Him as your Lord and Savior?  If the answer is yes, then you need to take care of some spiritual business. According to you, you said you are not a practicing Christian/Catholic.  In other words, you wanted 'out' of the relationship and you found a way.  What I'm saying is, you have broken your relationship with God, and only you can make amends. Confession and repentance is what is called for.  My point, God does not give blessings to those who live in open rebellion to Him.   I don't think that's difficult to understand.  If someone is doing things to me that is hurtful, I doubt I would look with favor upon them - nor would you.

When you get your life straight with the Lord (humble yourself, and acknowledge your sins), forgiveness will be there for you.  Remember, my friend, your Holy Father loves you more than any earthy person could ever love you.  He cares for you even when you don't care for yourself.  And remember also, dear friend, it's never your Heavenly Father who moves away from you, it's you who moves away from Him.  I suggest that your first step be, "Turn back to God."  Cultivate  your relationship.....Learn the mind of God, your Father.  Learn His teachings and follow them.  Theyare there to protect you and to show you the abundant life.  Jesus says, "Peace I give you.  Not the world's  peace, but My peace."  Dwell on that Jennifer, it's important.

Now let me help you with your current earthly relationship problem.
1.  Pray for wisdom
2.  Define your obstacles
      a) A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved.
      b) What obstacles can you expect to encounter?
               List..............Major..........Minor
      c) Identify one critical 'key' problem you must solve
      d) Keep chipping away at the major/minor obstacles
3.  Develop several backup plans
      a) In otherwords, prepare for the unexpected.
      b) If plan A fails - what's plan B?

Jennifer afer you work on the above lists, and feel you have a workable plan, I suggest you sit down and have a very honest talk with your roommate.  Listen to what he has to say - it may be helpful.  Tell him you're sorry the relationship isn't working out, and you have decide the best thing to do for both of you, is to end it.  Tell him you have prayed about it, sought wise spiritual counsel, and sought help in working out a plan.  It's up to you whether you share your plan with him or not - you do not need his approval.  You are an intelligent woman and you are capable of standing on your own two feet.

I exhort you to not identify yourself by your mental health.  You are more than your disabilities.  We all have disabilities.  There is work you can do.  Find it.  Ask God to strengthen you for it. Failure is in not trying.  I'm asking you to develop a 'Can Do Attitude'!
    *I'll do it now!
    *I'll see what happens!
    *I'll do the best I can!
    *I can start here!
    *I've goy a backup plan!
    *Someone can teach me how!
    *I'm well on my way!

I exhort you to grow in your difficulties, my friend.  You can pray any of the things I've shared with you.  Jesus says, "Come!  Let us reason together."  Our precious Lord will listen and hear you, my friend,  He wants a relationship with you - not a 'call when you need me' type of thing.  There are no magic words, but a humble spirit goes a long way.  Perhaps you should spend a little time in the Prodigal story....... That's where I go when I stray from the One who knows me the best and loves me thr most.

Blessings, in Him,
Reverend Ramona