Christianity--Prayers/Need help with answers
"Hi, My name is Courtney. I am in a very confusing situation that I cant seem to understand. This may be a little long but I am trying to give you an idea of the entire situation. I have a daughter who is 10 months old, her father and I have been together for 2 years on and off. It was a very rocky and unstable relationship, as honestly he wasnt the man for me. We argued alot about getting his priorities together, and just growing up in general. He hadnt grown up and became a responsible man at all, and was doing alot of running the streets and drinking in which he has done primarily most of his life. Even though he is 30 years old, he had never been in a relationship before, where he was living together or being considered a couple. Well our relationship was on and off at least every 2 weeks, where we would say it was over and not talk for a while, it was basically because i was fighting against this life that he loved so much. I am a nurse and alot more settled down then he was. I knew that we were incompatible but I fell in love with the good times we would have and I thought that if I stuck in there things would get better. Well he was so loyal to all his family and friends but not to me. I showed him dedication and I tried my hardest to motivate him to do better, and help him along the way. There were several instances where I thought he had cheated and my heart told me, but I listened to his stories and gave him the benefit of the doubt. My pregnancy was horrible, we argued all the time, he ran around with his friends, and I spent most of the time stressed, angry, and crying. After I gave birth to my daughter, he had a horrible family situation come up that made him start to look at how he was living his life, and I could see that he was trying to settle down a bit and stop taking things for granted, we had plans for us to move and start our life over the right, even though he hadnt changed completely, the wake up call was beginning, then the worse happened, he was arrested. He has been in jail since March 2012, and over the time of talking and looking at his life and our relationship, he has taken the time to look at all he had done wrong, and he tells me why and how. He says he didnt value life nor his priorities, and was just living day by day, he says he has never had anyone in his life like me, and he treated me so bad bc he thought I was going against what he thought was right, which is what he see isnt right. since he has been arrested, I have been there for him when everyone that he thought would be wasnt. He says he is glad he was arrested bc he wouldve never seen how bad he was living life was and that he needed to change. He says he was a bad person that didnt have character and he is trully sorry for all that he put me through. He has admitted alot of things while he was there. One of them is he cheated on me with his 10 year old son's mother. at the beginning of my pregnancy, One night he was drinking and we were arguing and she saw him at a store and mentioned for him to come over and he did. Being that he didnt come back until the next morning, I put him out. So then he went and stayed with her for about a week, he says there was no feelings there or anything, he just was living for the moment without any regard for anyone else or himself. after the situation happened, I went there bc I saw his car there and she lied and told me that he wasnt there. I got angry and I busted out his windows, well the next day he claimed he wasnt there and he was angry and we were very saying mean things to one another. about a week and a half later he sent me flowers, and told me he was sorry, but he lied and said that he wasnt staying over there with her and that he was just there with his son. Since he has been incarcerated he said that he has been praying for our relationship because he wants to be with me so bad and keep our family, he says during prayer, he decided that if he was going to do right then he needed to come clean about the situation, and I agreed and told him that trust cant be built until the lies stop. So he admitted that he did sleep with her and that he stayed there for about a week. He says that he wasnt thinking about me or our relationship, his life was a wreck and he was just doing what he wanted for the moment. He is begging for a second chance to make things right. and he swears that he loves me and that he would never do anything like that again. My problem is that I have never been able to forgive a person and try to move past cheating bc I have never understood it. He left me to go be with the son's mother for a week and no matter how many times i ask him why and he explains, it doesnt make me feel any better. I have been told that in order to salvage a relationship you have to be able to let it go. the reason I am having a hard time letting it go is because I question the feeling between him and her, and i question is love for me. He is pouring his heart out to me and I dont know what to do. I still love him, but I am so hurt, and maybe because I dont have a understanding as to how someone can do something like that. He says that people make mistakes and he just wants another chance to have his family and to change EVERYTHING about himself. I just dont know how to heal if I dont understand why. and I dont know how to rebuild if I question his love for me. His son's mother and him have never really been in a relationship ever since the child was born, they were kids in HS when they had their son, but even though he says he didnt have feelings for her, I still wonder. Its tearing me up, and more so because I cant come to a decision that I will be at peace with. I know people have gotten through these situations but how. I do believe that this incarceration was a wake up call to him bc of all the things involved ( I cant really discuss), but God has showed him so much in these 10 months that he is been in jail. When we talk about the cheating, the anger and hurt comes rushing back and he says that if I cant forgive him then he understands, but he really wants to show me how much he loves me and make things better. He wants to get married and start our family over. he says he prays that God will give him a chance to be with me & now he sees that I am the best thing that ever happened to him & he is willing to do anything... Please give me some insight into what you think about this, and how do i know if trying it again is right for me? and how to try to get past this? I have prayed for God to ease my pain, give me guidance, and knowledge as what should I do, and I have received an answer. I know that God put him in that situation to show him how he was living was wrong and he knows it as well. I don't want to make a decision based on my feelings but as to what God wants me to do. I know God forgives, but forgiveness isn't being with him again.. How do I forgive enough to be able to savior this relationship. Why haven't I received an answer to what to do? Please pray for me...
Thank you for writing.I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. From what you have shared with me, from the beginning it seems this was not a good match. Surely, those who love you have advised you of this. From what little I know of you, you started out good! You got your education and God has opened some very important doors for you. Congratulations on achieving your Nursing degree! That is special! I wonder if you truly know how 'nurses' are loved and respected. What would we do without you!
You have asked me to share what I think of your situation and give you some wise counsel. I have prayed that the Lord will guide me as I strive to guide you. I will probably say some things you don't want to hear Courtney, but wise counseling does not condone, but tells the truth. I believe God has already answered you - it's just not the answer you want. You are a sensible woman, a good mother, a wise nurse... Why would you be less wise in your personal life? Why do you think so little of yourself? And why would you put your child in such danger?
This man is a liar. He cannot be trusted! He lied to you over and over, and then after he confessed a little, and tried to make it sound not serious, he continued lying. He knows your buttons and he has no trouble pushing them. I'm always amazed how people 'find Jesus' when they go to jail. If you want to find out for sure if this 'newbirth' is true,and he's repented and ready to do what's right, give him this challenge. Tell him, while you understand he's had a hard life and terrible things have happened to him, you have compassion, but you do not trust him. Words are cheap. You've dealt with words for two years, and they have been nothing but lies. My advice is to break up completely. Tell him you do not want him around. Tell him 'if' after a year he has got his act together, and that he is attending church regularily (after all, he found God), and he has proved he is done with his running around etc., you will consider dating again. Meanwhile, get on with your life!
From what you have shared Courtney, there never was a relationship - even since you've had your beautiful daughter. He runs from one bed to another using all of you women. You don't have to settle for that! Take look in the mirror and see what you have to offer! You want to loved - not used!
When a person loves another person, they do everything in their power to please that person and make them feel secure. He admitted when he was with another woman, that he didn't even think of you. Why would you even consider letting this man/child back into your life. This is not God's plan for you Courtney. He wants you to have the abundant life! He wants a safe and secure envirenment for your baby girl. You surely must want this too.
Let's talk about forgiveness. What is the purpose for forgiveness? With God we are to admit to our sins... see what we've done as wrong, and repent (turn around and NEVER do that sin again). When we do that, God forgives and cleanses you from all your sins. But understand Courtney, just saying the words in a prayer or confession doesn't cut it! God judges the heart. God knows if you're telling the truth or not. People overlook that. Your boyfriend over and over confessed to you, and when he thought you bought it, he left out the rest. He made you believe he had 'seen the light'! Then when you questioned him further his anger flared. Where was the repentant spirit then? You were the problem - not him! This is the game the liar plays.
You are a very smart lady acknowledging that you must not make a decision based on your feelings. You cannot trust feelings my friend. Look at the facts. For two years you have been deceived, treated with no respect, ignored, cheated on, screamed at, threatened, the list goes on. Fact: He didn't want to be a husband or father. Fact: He had no desire to make a home. Fact: You or his child did not come first. Fact: Your baby should not be raised in that atmosphere. Question: Is this the life you want for your child? Is he the kind of man you would want your child to marry? Think back over the last two years Courtney, do you really want to live like that the rest of your life? You can do better.
Can you forgive enough to save this relationship? Courtney, you forgive so you won't sin against God. We are forgiven as much as we forgive, the Bible says. For your own good you forgive but you don't forget. We have to remember so we won't repeat the bad things. You must look at the facts, dear one. Life can be beautiful if you make the right choices. Remember, when you make a choice, you also choose the consequences. You've had two bad years of consequences.... how many more will it take to make you wake up? How long do you think it will take for your friend to lose his religion? I imagine a split second when you tell him to go live his 'born again' life for one year and prove to you he has changed.
God tells us to not be unevenly yoked. He tells us that for a reason. A person of faith cannot condone such unhealthy actions. We cannot live in open rebellion to God. We walk with Him and strive to be like Him. God does not lie. God does not hurt the ones he loves. Read I Cor. 13 - the Love Chapter. Dwell in that chapter and recognize what love truly is. Let me quote it for you:
Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become
sounding brass or a clangling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and
understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could
remove mountains (problems), but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;love does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
.....And now abide faith, hope, and love, these three;
........but the greatest of these is love.
Your young man has a ways to go. He loves only himself. Can he change? Only with God's help. He can't fool God - don't let him fool you. You will love again. Give yourself a chance. Give your baby a chance! Handle your finances well - don't depend on him, you're quite capable of making it in this world. I truly will pray for you, special one. I pray you will raise your bar and see the 'gifts' you have to offer to a relationship. I pray you will take pride in your life, and your baby girl, and not settle like you have done. I will pray for your healing and that you have the wisdom and strength to make wise choices and act upon them. I pray that you acknowledge that God has answered your prayers and it's now time to move on.
God bless you pretty lady. Give as much love as you need. OK.
Rev. Ramona Stonecipher