Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/8/2008

Question
CARL - Kissing is contextual- wildly sexual, wildly romantic, or  deeply gratifying as it affirms attachment. THe "rush" physiologically is activation of two stimulants - dopamine and norepinephrine...then testosterone ... all stimulants, so, in a nutshell, You may not like this, but French Kissing is asking permission, saying “Can I go on?” If you reciprocate the French kisses, you are saying “YES”. If that is not the case then one should say NO. And if you don't say no, then don't be surprised to find he starts petting - the breast,on top of clothes, under clothes, petting below the waist, then petting under clothes, to nude total-body petting. Oral sex may enter the picture at any time along the way, which will ultimately lead to intercourse. So, I'm sorry to say but physiologically, that's the way it usually goes.
Lead us not into temptation.  As a Man thinks so is he.  Be renewed in your mind. There are loads of scriptures that point one to correct dating ... don't be fooled.  Kissing is beautiful, but in that, it is subtle and sexual and if young people are not walking in the spirit, in submission to Christ, it will be even more difficult to not go the whole way - even Christian teens are at risk if they think that they can manage to withhold the urge to go further.  
You say it's OK - from my point of view, it's dangerous unless you are going to take the relationship to another level and commit to one another.  Personally, and I am no prude - keep French Kissing for your marriage bed.

Answer
Jane-

I try to answer specific questions the best I can, but I generally tell the older teens a lot more - it depends on the situation, the teen, the question.  I've actually written an essay about "How Far is Too Far?"  Perhaps you haven't seen it in my past answers.  This essay has evolved over the last 15 years or so - I first wrote it in response to a young man who had been emailing me and asking about different things, mostly spiritual.  It was purely anonymous, but I had been emailing with him for about a year when he asked me that very question, "How far is too far?"  I thought about it for a while - I had never been asked that other than in person, and I had always been able to answer it in person without any real issue, but answering it for someone anonymously, I was concerned as how to approach it in case his parents were to read the answer.  I almost didn't answer it, but decided that I would have answered the same thing to any kid, even those I knew (including their parents) and I would always give them my point of view.  It's not always accepted by parents, but I'm going to keep on saying it.  After sending him the answer, he replied with, "Thanks, that's exactly what I was looking for to help me make up my mind."  I worked with a youth director in my past church, and we taught a sex education weekend retreat and used elements of my essay.  Our approach has always been that we're not here to tell you what's right and wrong - that's between you, your significant other, and God.  What we ARE going to tell you is this - here are the social, emotional, physical, spiritual, and physiological consequences of having sex.  All we want to do is to inform you so that later you can't come back and say, "Oh, I didn't know that it would hurt that much" or "Oh, I didn't know about that."

So, here's the essay.  I hope you understand my point of view, and I'd welcome your comments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Far is Too Far?

By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.
And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, one you make it through the first time ago, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   
God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”
There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.  
1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse.
So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   
Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.
Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones. And if you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.   
There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.
Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2008, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html