Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/15/2008

Question
Hi Carl, I'm 19 yr old born again Christian who quite recently rededicated my life to live for god.I think my level of maturity now has allowed that. My question is this: Now im am not a virgin and have had sex with 4 different girls and have been forgiven for this. Now the girl that i like is 18 yrs old and has had a strong Christian background her whole life and has also had sex with 4 people and she has been forgiven and i know she loves god as much as i do. heres the catch on the whole situation, I've liked this girl since i was in the 10th grade which was 4 years ago, i know the people shes had sex with except for one but she knows none of the people I've had sex with which makes it easier for me. but the last time she had sex it was through alcohol and she became pregnant(from the guy i don't know, and hes not in her life anymore). she is due in one month.ive never dated her till recently but we've been friends for a long time, though we are not officially in a relationship because of the fear of persecution and judgement. I'm deeply falling in love with her, i believe through each other we can grow even closer to god. I've told her of my vow to wait till marriage and she agrees its the right way to do things. so in reality we are both born again Christians forgiven.
1)Can i enter into a serious relationship with this girl even though she is pregnant?

2)Would it be a Sin?

3)How can i overlook the fact that i know three of the guys she's had sex with?

4) So we would have a purity vow but she would have a kid, now were not planning on moving in together or me claiming the kid as my child, is this right?

basically i need to know if this is accepted by Christians and more importantly god.

If you need more insight into the situation please get back to me, id appreciate your help. sorry for the length of this question


Answer
Hi JC

Thanks for writing.  I'll give you the best advice I can.

1)Can i enter into a serious relationship with this girl even though she is pregnant?

Of course you can.  If you believe as a Christian that you both are forgiven for past sins, then there is nothing to prevent you from being in a relatioship with her.

2)Would it be a Sin?

A very strict interpretation of Old Testament scripture would probably consider this a sin.  However, New Testatment theology would not consider it adultry.  You should be aware, however, that some denominations (Southern Baptist, some independent ultra conservative, and Roman Catholic churches) would still consider this to be adultry.  I don't.  If you're forgiven, you're forgiven - the sin is gone, washed away, is there no more.  Obviously, it's hard for some people to accept that she has a baby, but they should get over it - having and caring for the baby is a far better choice than abortion.

3)How can i overlook the fact that i know three of the guys she's had sex with?

Well, my best advice here is this - every time you think about or get jealous of those 3 guys, remind yourself that you're no saint and she has forgiven you - this goes both ways - since you both have had sex, you both have to just suck it up and forget about it and move on with your relationship.  God has forgotten about it - you need to as well.  I know it's difficult, but with prayer and a loving heart, you can do it.

4) So we would have a purity vow but she would have a kid, now were not planning on moving in together or me claiming the kid as my child, is this right?

Not sure I understand your question here.  No, you should not claim the kid is biologically yours, but if you ultimately wind up married, that child WILL become yours, and if the biological father approves, you should adopt the child.  And no, you should NOT move in together unless and until you get married.


Bottom line is that you're going to get some flak from some people, and you need to understand that not everyone has an open mind about such things.  You ARE still too young to be married - you need to finish school and get a decent job before you think about it, whether it's with her or someone else.  As you grow older and mature, if you get married, people will begin to look at what kind of father you are and forget about the fact that the child is not biologically yours.  You asked if God accepts this?  You better believe it - God would much rather have this child have you as a father than someone who is not in the child's life at all - adoption is a wonderful thing, as the child is "chosen" - now, the child is more like an "accident" - not a good start. (I have an adopted grandson).

I hope this helps.  You just pay attention to building your relationship with this girl, her child, and with God.  If marriage is going to happen, it will happen. One thing that you both need to guard against that will be difficult is to stay away from sex - once you've had sex, it's harder to abstain, but you really need to keep your purity vow to each other.

JC, thanks for writing.  I hope I've helped.  Please take the time to rate my answer, and don't hesitate to ask about anything else you don't understand.

Blessings,
carl