Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/20/2008

Question
I have struggled with an addiction to porn and masturbation for about 3 years.
I'm a girl, and almost 13. I'm on the other side of it now. . . but I'm terrified of
what could happen if I go back. I don't know what to think or feel, and I feel
really guilty. How can I get rid of this guilt, and can God ever really love me
again?

Answer
Hi Julia-

Thanks for having the courage to write about a difficult and sensitive topic, espcially as a girl to a guy.  I'll do my best to help.

The first thing you should know is that you are not the first person to ever have this addiction, and you won't be the last.  Although the problem is very normal among guys (statistics say that up to 95% of guys masturbate, and the other 5% lied on the poll; the % of girls is about half or a little more), it is not quite as normal for girls.  Be assured that you are not alone.  

The thing you should know about pornography is that it is not anywhere close to reality.  The sex is real, sure, but the situations that lead up to it, the group sex, the bestiality, the unusual nature of some of the positions are not in any way near a "normal" sexual relationship between a man and a woman.  Most porn, at least the porn that I've seen, is so "over the top" that it almost becomes laughable.

So the question becomes, how come the porn and masturabation makes me feel so good and so guilty at the same time?  Well, society doesn't do a very good job with sex, and does not treat it the way God wants it treated.  Sex is fun, and it does make you feel good, and it is not dirty or bad, but only when it is done between a husband and wife.  But we make movies about it and we portray it in unhealthy ways - so many movies, even PG movies, show teenagers having sex as a normal occurrence, when only about half of people under the age of 21 actually do have sex. Yet sex is everywhere we look - in the movies, on TV, in advertising - there's even a car ad (Cadillac) that asks the question, "When you turn on your car, does it return the favor?"  Julia, that's a little ridiculous, and you obviously know that all this sex is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have written.

At the end of my note, I've included some quotes from some sexual experts (people far smarter than me) about masturbation.  Please read it, it will help you understand why you can be addicted.

To get back to your question, the guilt is something that comes from God, and Satan, at the same time.  Sounds impossible, but it's not.  Here's how - part of your brain is saying "I want so much to please God and to be a good person, and I know what I did was wrong - I made some bad choices"...  That part comes from God, because even though He wants you to seek Him and be good all the time, He also gave you the freedom of choice to choose for yourself right from wrong.   Satan's side of guilt says this, "You're a horrible rotten person.  How could God ever love you again because you made so many mistakes.  Just give up on God and turn to the dark side."  I hope you see the difference:  Guilt from God is telling you right from wrong and encouraging you to choose right next time, while guilt from Satan is encouraging you to choose wrong again.

Julia, God has already forgiven you. Jesus died a long time ago for YOU.  He took your sin on Himself.  It is far more difficult for us as humans to forgive ourselves, but knowing that God already forgave you should help.  It's not going to be easy, but keep making right choices.  And know that you'll probably fail again.  And God will forgive you again, and again, and again.  Just try your very best - you writing to me is only the third step in your recovery - the first was when you realized you had a problem, and the second was when you asked God for forgiveness - you did do that, didn't you?  If you haven't, do it now.  God will forgive you and know that He loves you unconditionally -  He never stopped, and He never will.

Julia, I will pray for you the next few days. My prayer is that you come to know that God is all forgiving, that He never stopped loving you, and that He will help you kick this bad habit.

I'd like you to do one more thing for me, or actually for you and your future spouse.  It's called a purity pledge:

“On January 22, 2008, I made a pledge to God, and to you, my future unknown husband, that I would remain a virgin until my wedding night.  I have kept that pledge, and I give myself to you as your wedding present.”

Sign your name, keep the card in a Bible or a drawer someplace, keep the pledge and refrain from sex, and give it to your husband on your wedding night.  I guarantee that it will be the best present he ever gets!

I hope and pray this helps.  Please take the time to give me some feedback now, and please write again a month or two from now and tell me how you're doing.

Hugs,

Carl



Below is listed some experts thoughts on porn and masturbation:

Let’s look at the physiological, spiritual, and emotional consequences of masturbation.  Pam Stenzel, a nationally known educator in the area of teenage sexuality, specifically abstinence education, says in her book, “Sex Has a Price Tag,”:
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10 Plus 7 Dangers Of Masturbation
1. Sex happens in the brain first. The arousal response is the most easily trained response in a human being. What we do to prepare the body for sexual response and arousal becomes what we need in order to be aroused. In other words, masturbation trains your body to respond a specific way to specific stimuli.

2. Because of 1, masturbation often becomes addictive.

3. Addictive behaviors are difficult to change.

4. Because of 3. masturbation tends to control the person rather than the person controlling the masturbation. (In other words, it's a habit that's hard to break.)

5. Once the brain has trained a person's sexual response through masturbation or other self-stimulation, the body will continue to require the same activity for sexual response even after a sexual partnership (that is, marriage) has begun.

6. The chemicals released in the brain during sexual stimulation are extremely powerful, and the repeated use of self-stimulation can damage one's ability to respond appropriately to marriage intimacy. (Refer back to 5).

7. It's easier to say no to something before it becomes a habit.

8. Human beings can say no. Masturbation is often encouraged as a way to deal with sexual feelings and drives that cannot be controlled.

9. Contrary to popular belief, the desire to masturbate does not stop after marriage. It is not a cure for temporarily dealing with sexual pressure before marriage.

10. The most common problems for which married men seek counseling today are pornography and masturbation.

11. The same experts who declare that masturbation aren’t addictive, go on to claim that guys and girls who masturbate -are powerless to stop doing so.  So which is it?

12. Saying yes to masturbation (sometimes referred to as "having sex with oneself") in order to say no to having sex with someone else, does not make masturbation a good and positive thing. In other words, something that is "less wrong" is not necessarily right. Something that is less dangerous is not necessarily safe.  And something that is "less false" is not necessarily true.

13, Masturbation takes the mystery of sex and the wonder of "becoming one flesh" with another person and reduces it to something it was never intended to be - a solo activity consisting of a simple biological arousal/release activity rather than something that embraces body, soul, and spirit.

14. Masturbation will not make your hands fall off, your face turn blue, or your brain insane.  But that doesn’t mean you should do it, does it?

15, Hebrews '13;4 says, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all and the marriage bed is to be undefiled, for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." The word fornicators/fornication, pornea, means any sexual behavior, thought, or deed, outside of the sacramental act between a husband and wife. Self-stimulation, or masturbation falls into this category'.  It defiles the marriage bed.

16, Cultivating the self discipline that’s required to say no to masturbation now, before becoming one flesh: with a lifelong mate, will develop the strength of character necessary to continue keeping a marriage pure.

17. And one more thing – God forgives freely.  Never forget that.  At the same time, never use that to justify behavior that goes against God’s desire and will for your life.
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I agree with Pam on every item but 15 – I’m not so sure that God intended for masturbation to fall into the same category as fornicators.

As to Items 1 & 5-6: A sexual addiction counselor, Dr. Douglass Weiss, agrees. In a presentation he describes how sex and the brain interact:

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“In the center of the brain is the medial preoptic nucleus (MPN). In your brain, when you have a sexual release, your brain experiences a release of chemicals called endorphins and encephalins. This is the highest rush in the human body. It is the same area cocaine affects; this is why cocaine is so addicting.

Because you get the highest reward for this behavior, you want to do it again. Now, here's where it's unique. When you get the reward, whatever you're looking at—it doesn't have to be real—whatever you're looking at [at sexual release] you are bonding to whatever that [object] is. So, if you have a sexual fantasy, you'll start bonding to a fantasy world.

God designed it so that you would bond with one person. [To men:] In a very short period of time, no matter what your wife looks like, you bond to her. She becomes your desire. And when you think about intimacy and sexuality, you think about her. If you [masturbate] and you reward yourself for going to fantasy world, then the fantasy is going to be what you desire. You're going to see women as objects, not people. That's not God's design. God wants you to see someone as His child. As a person.

Your brain doesn't know the difference, between this [object] being appropriate or inappropriate. It just knows it got the rewards. Now, if it gets good stuff [chemical rewards] attached to bad things, what will it want to do? Bad things. [Protect] your brain. This is a holy place. If you start [masturbating] and you go over into fantasy or pornography, you are going to damage your life. It affects your own sexuality."

From: Douglass Weiss, Ph.D., Good Enough To Wait (Fort Worth: Discovery Press Video).
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