Expert: Carl Fuglein - 1/30/2008

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I are both almost 18, and we've known each other since we were about 10. We weren't really around each other until high school, however he's ALWAYS liked me and I've always been kind of interested in him. In high school, we had a class together, and since that day (about 2 1/2 years ago) we haven't gone a single day without talking or spending time together for at LEAST a few hours. We are so great together, we've been so compatible from the very beginning. We spent a year as best friends before we were anything else, we took things slow are really got to know each other before we even considered anything else. After about a year, we started drifting into more than friends, and we finally became a couple. We've always been so comfortable with each other, and we're each other's first real boyfriend and girlfriend. We talked about the idea of us getting married before we ever even held hands. We know we can spend the rest of our lives together.

For both of our whole lives, we've both wanted to save sex for marriage. He says that even when he was little, he realized that it would be hard, especially if he was with the girl he was going to marry. He said he knew it would be possible that he would have sex before marriage, but only if  he was sure she was the one. I, on the other hand, always assumed it would be easy. I was just sure that I could (especially because I figured that I would meet the guy I was going to marry when I was in college.. and I would only have to wait a year or two). But obviously I'm going to have to wait quite a lot longer.
After a while, we started drifting into sexual impurity, and it's been going on a while. Now, we definitely have not had actual sex, but we have definitely gone way too far. For about the fifth time, I have decided "once and for all" that I think we should stop what we're doing. But it's just  so hard. Because we get to talking, and he's so sure that we're doing it for the right reasons, and he says it's hard for him because he's put so much in emotionally and now he has to stop. I see where he's coming from. But when I really start to think about it, I feel guilty for what we're doing. I know that it's not what God intended, but I also feel like maybe in our case it's okay. But I know that's not true.  I know that we really do love each other, and that it's not out of lust or anything at all. We just so badly want to be with each other. We want to be married. And we are only egged on by facts such as:
-Both of my sets of grandparents got married when they were 17, and they are STILL very happily married over 50 years later. (So if we lived back then, we could be married. But nowadays it's totally socially unacceptable.)
-I feel like the world is going downhill. We are both scared, and I feel like the end is coming. I want so badly to live a full life. What if the world ends before we are even old enough to marry?
-We know how much we love each other, and so we feel like it's okay. Because how can we be expected to wait THAT long?

But I realize that I want to wait. We're both totally for waiting for SEX for marriage, but the other stuff... It's very hard. And now that we've already started, I feel like it might make things tense to get rid of it. And, I know that if we continue what we're doing, we will eventually lose control.

How should we go about this? It's going to be so hard to stop (we've tried multiple times, but we always go back to thinking it's okay, because it's US and it's from such innocent motives), especially for him. But I've realized I want so badly to have a pure marriage.

And, what do you think about early marriage? I've always assumed to wait until I graduate college, but what about a little bit earlier?

Thanks, sorry this is so long.

ANSWER: Kerri-

Thanks for trusting me enough to write.  You and your boyfriend are in a precarious position, caught between doing what's right and what YOU want to do.  "Technically" it sounds like you've already had sex - sex is more an intimate emotional act than physical.  Granted, you may not have yet had intercourse, but that doesn't mean you haven't had sex.  Regardless of what you've done, (and I don't need to know, nor want to know), the fact is that at least one of you, and it sounds like both of you, know that you've crossed a line, wherever that line is, and now you want to step back and not cross it again.  It's difficult to stop the train once it has left the station, and you can't "unring" the bell.  So, you've got to decide, and decide soon, what it is that you're not going to do anymore, and then simply don't do it.  Sounds easy, but it isn't.

I'm frequently asked this question - how far is too far.  I've written an essay about it, and I've enclosed it below.  The problem is that you probably should have read it about 3 years ago.  Nevertheless, here we are now.  Read the essay WITH your boyfriend.  Parts of it will make you laugh.  Part of it will probably make you cry.  But the point is, READ IT TOGETHER.  Decide where YOUR (i.e. both of you together) line is, and discuss ways to stop before you get there.  Obviously, you've spent a lot of time alone together.  If you know that's going to be tempting, then simply don't do that any more.  Cold showers really do work, especially when you take them ALONE.  Don't place yourselves in a position where something is going to happen.  For example, if you like to watch romantic comedies together, and that sometimes leads to romance on the couch, instead of watching a video alone, invite someone to watch with you - a younge bropther or sister, mom or dad, another couple.  It sounds stupid, but if that's what you need to do, do it.

Okay, the essay comes later.  Let's address some other issues that you brought up.

Your grandparents married at 17.  You're right, that's not necessarily socially accepted any more.  But you're also right that you should wait until you finish college.  I have a daughter.  I told her this - you can get married whenever you want, but the First National Bank of Daddy is closing down when you do. IF you decide to get married before you finish school, finishing school becomes YOUR problem.  School is more important than marriage.  That was 15 years ago, it's still true.  Wait.

You expressed concern of the ills of the world.  I'm 60.  I used that excuse in the 60's.  You can't use it, as it didn't work for me - the world is still here.  Besides, if the rapture comes, that's going to be far greater than sex anyway - you'll never know what you missed, and you won't care.

You said,  "Because how can we be expected to wait THAT long?"  God can ask you to wait even longer.  It's not punishment.  God wants you to seek HIM first, and once you've done that, you get everything else. Matthew 6:33 says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  You can do it.  There are some people that remain pure and don't get married until they're 40.  One of my best friends at work is 30, a virgin, AND get this, he's an ATHEIST.  But he feels like sexual purity is just the right thing to do.  You have GOD on your side, he doesn't.  But if he can do it, so can you.
You said,
"How should we go about this? It's going to be so hard to stop (we've tried multiple times, but we always go back to thinking it's okay, because it's US and it's from such innocent motives), especially for him. But I've realized I want so badly to have a pure marriage."

Step a leads to B leads to C, etc, etc.  You just have to decide at which step you can stop without being tempted to go further, and always, always, always, stop there.

As for early marriage, as long as you are sure, I don't have a problem with it, but the circumstances that you need to decided are more about economics and emotional stability - ie., if you get married before collee ends, are you going to be economically and emotionally capable of finishing, and also, what do your parents think.  (BTW, I very much believe in love at first sight.  I met my wife on a Friday night, fell in love with her on Sunday and knew I was going to marry her.  I did so about a year later.  We celebrate 39 years in June.  And we did get married before we finished college, and we both finished pretty much on schedule, because it was a priority).

And finally, you have to forgive yourself for going as far as you have.  You're human.  It happens.  God forgives, but it's harder for you to forgive yourself.

I hope all this helps.  God loves you and wants you to have a pure marriage.  Sounds to me like you've got the perfect guy to have it with.  And relationships like yours DO work - my daughter met her husband in middle school.  They started dating in their HS senior year, and got married right after she graduated.

Now read the essay below WITH your boyfriend (no peeking - read it together, it'll be fun).  After you digest all this, please write back and let me know how it goes.  I do care, and I do want my advice to be the best I can give - this essay has evolved over 15 years, and I like to keep it fresh.

hugs,
carl
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Far is Too Far
By Carl Fuglein
Do you remember the first time you rode a roller coaster?  What emotions went through your mind?  Maybe fear and excitement.  As you got onto the ride, your heart started pumping faster and faster.  The seatbelt was fastened and the bar was lowered.  The ride started and you realized that you were committed to this experience.  As you went up the first hill, you became even more excited and more scared.  Maybe you screamed, "Let me off this ride!" because you lost your nerve. Too late.  You hit the top of the first hill and think, "Omigosh, I'm gonna die!”  Then you rush down that first hill and think, "Wow, what a rush!  That wasn't so bad; in fact, it was kind of fun."  There you go--up and down all the hills.
And when the ride’s over, you want to find a bigger, faster, scarier roller coaster.  Maybe even one that turns you upside down.  If you're like me, you just can't stop riding roller coasters.  You figure out that you're not going to die and that you like the feeling of exhilaration it gives you.  You will find that the first roller coaster just won’t feel the same, once you’re ridden on that bigger, faster, scarier coaster.  Having sex for the first time is a lot like riding a roller coaster—the anticipation, the fear, the expectations, and the feeling that you could die.  However, one you make it through the first time ago, you’re ready to do it again and again and again. You want bigger, higher, faster, and scarier sex just to get the adrenaline rush you felt the first time you gave your virginity away.  Except when you have sex, you give pieces of yourself away—some of your emotions, some of your heart, and some of the purity that God gave you.   
God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.  He intended it to be used for creating intimacy between a husband and wife as well as for procreation.  (See Gen. 2:21-23, 3:16, and 4:1)  Instead, humans have exploited sex by committing adultery, which includes pre-marital and extra-marital sex, (Exodus 20:14) and even thinking about committing adultery.  (Exodus 20:17)  But what constitutes sex?  This is the actual question that you are asking when you ask “How far is too far?”
There are many reasons why you may be asking this question.  One, you're looking for someone to give you a specific limit.  Two, you're looking for permission to do certain "things" without feeling guilt.  Third, you really don’t know what, in God's eyes, constitutes sex.  Look up these words in the dictionary:  sex; sexual intercourse; coitus.  Still not very clear, is it?  In my dictionary, sexual intercourse has two definitions - one is coitus, the other is "sexual union involving genital contact, but without penile penetration".  But human sexuality is not just physical; it’s also an intellectual, social, ethical and spiritual act with social consequences.

Human sexuality is complex.  It’s been said that women have sex to get love while men give love to get sex.  A commodity traded between two individuals who are using each other as a means to an end.  Women are turned on by emotional intimacy, while men are more aroused by a woman’s appearance.   Does that mean a woman should refrain from intimacy on all levels?  Should a man never look at a woman? It's all part of the human sexuality "dance" leading to sexual union. Humans do all sorts of strange things prior to having sex. When you're older and in a committed marriage relationship, merely "talking" and "cuddling" can constitute sex or foreplay.

So, we come back to the question again, what is sex?  A couple’s physical relationship might go like this.  
1. He sees a pretty girl or she sees a cute guy.  She smiles at him, he smiles at her.
2. They talk, nervously. They both laugh.
3. She tells a friend to tell a friend to tell him that she likes him.
4. He tells a friend to tell a friend to tell her that he likes her back.
5. They talk some more.
6. They go to the library to "study".
7. On the way home, they hold hands.
8. They go out on their first "date".
9. They hold hands, and at the door when he drops her off, he gives her a hug, and maybe even kisses her, once, quickly.
10. They go out again, and maybe kiss twice or nibble on one another’s ear.
11. After they've been going out for a while, they “experiment”, and French kiss.
12. Wow, that was fun, what's next?  Lying down on a couch perhaps, but "just kissing".
13. While still fully clothed, but lying on a bed, he touches her and she touches him.
14. Step 14 is the same as 13, only with buttons unbuttoned and zippers unzipped.
15. Ditto, only maybe without some clothes
16. Ditto again, only with no clothes.  
17. Mutual masturbation. (this might start occurring in step 13)
18. Oral sex. (Could happen as early as step 15)
19.  Protected sexual intercourse.
20.  Unprotected sexual intercourse.
So, at which step is a sin committed?  What is the definition of sex?  Where does being friends end and “sex” begin?  The difference between 1 and 2 is tiny.  The difference between steps 9 and 10 is tiny.  The difference between steps 17 and 18 is tiny.  The difference between steps 1 and 20 is huge.  A couple must consider the step that they together think is a sin, and agree upon it. Pretend that step is a cliff.  If you go that far, you're going to fall off the cliff. Every step after that one will be tiny; but hey, it doesn't matter, because you already fell off the cliff.   
Where should a couple place their cliff?  That's pretty much up to them based on their experience and their morals.  Ninety percent of adults, if they're honest, will tell you that sex is downright fun.  But there is a LOT more to sex than just the physical part.  Sex inside marriage is guilt free.  Outside marriage, it's guilt laden.  Remember that everything you do, along with everyone you do it with, will be in your mind on your wedding night.  If you truly love your bride or groom, wouldn't you want to wait to give it all to them instead of only part of you?  Going all the way will give you emotional baggage that will be extremely hard to empty when you get married, especially if one partner is a virgin, and the other isn't.
Unfortunately, the Bible does not directly mention French kissing; it doesn't mention oral sex.  Any genital contact, even with clothes on is sex.  Most clinical definitions of sex are just that – any genital contact constitutes sex.  Anything that could lead to the act of making a baby outside of marriage could be a sin. Let me explain, if a step would prepare your body for the act of intercourse, (specifically, causing the male to have an erection or the female’s vagina to become wet) it probably should be considered a sin.  For most people, that point would be step 11, French kissing.  For some, it might not happen until step 12 or 13, for others it might start as early as 9 or 10.  Once you get to that point, i.e., real sexual arousal, any labels become meaningless and it becomes more and more difficult to stop – remember those raging hormones. And if you've already stepped off the cliff, don't despair.   
There is grace - God loves you and will forgive you.  But you must try very hard not to go there again.  Trust me, there is so much more to marriage than sex.  Sure, sex is great, but being married to your best friend, even without sex, is better.
Finally, consider this.  Pledge to not have sex until marriage.  Write it down.  Sign it. Something like this on an index card:   

“On __________, 2008, I made a pledge to myself and before God to not have sex until my wedding night.  Here’s my signature to prove it.  This card is my wedding gift to you.”

Put that card in your wallet and carry it with you.  Let it get crumpled and bent and worn out.  And on your wedding night, pull it out of your wallet and hand it to your husband or wife.  It’ll be the best present you will ever give your spouse.


Links:

http://www.intervarsity.org/studentsoul/item/why-wait

http://www.unification.net/tfv/tenreasons.html










---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your response. It made me feel better, and it helped a lot. My boyfriend and I have been doing a lot of talking about all this, and we're trying to figure everything out. We have decided that we really do want to work on this, and we're off to a good start.

But, I've been doing some reading on reasons to wait (like the links at the end of the essay), and I have to say, it's a little frusturating. About 99% of the reasons don't seem to apply to us. They all seem to be warning us about keeping yourself pure for your future husband/wife by only having one parter(Don't get me wrong, I do realize it's possible we won't end up together, but we really aren't seeing that happening). How young people think that intamicy comes from sex. How, "In healthy marriages, sex takes its natural place beside the intellectual, emotional and practical aspects of life. Married couples spend less time in bed than they do in conversation, in problem solving, and in emotional communion." But that's how we already ARE. We have such a strong bond without any sort of physical contact at all. We aren't at risk for diseases, and we definitely don't plan on breaking up. It's just frusturating, knowing that we took everything right, getting to know each other slowy and really truly understanding the importance of intellectual connection. We honestly feel like we are ready for marriage, and we've felt that way for a very long time. We are already totally committed to one other, it's just not formal. I guess that's why this is so hard for us, because we feel that most of the warnings and reasons are for people who just mess around for fun, or who don't understand the idea of commitment or intamicy. It's just hard never really hearing about similar situations, because I know they're out there, and I know there's plenty of couples doing a much better job than we are.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I didn't get anything out of what you said, because that's not true. We have decided to take a step backward and really look at ourselves.

I guess, right now it's all about patience? Ultimately, just the feeling of accomplishment on the wedding night, and above all, following God's word. And that's what we've decided to do, but I hope you can at least see where our frusturation comes from.

Thanks again for listening

Answer
Kerri-

I do understand your frustration, and I pray that after all the waiting that sex is not a disappointment to you.  Yours indeed is an unusual situation, and I applaud you for the commitment that you've made to one another, and also am happy you are at least looking at your sex life and re-evaluating where you want to be.

Kerri, you have to understand - I cannot, nor will I, give you "permission" to have sex.  This is a decision that the two of you need to make together.  It sounds likely that you will get married eventually.  But I've seen too many teen relationships that seemed solid to me, go south, even though my only child married her high school sweetheart (and they're still married 18 years past high school - they got married after college).  I've seen divorces in the first year of marriage.  I've seen one partner "grow" more than the other.  The issue right now is that your bodies are ready, more than ready, for sex, but your emotions don't seem to be.  You could very easily have sex, have it be wonderful, and no one will ever have to know.  But YOU have to make that decision.  If you decide it's not worth the wait, then go for it.  I'm just telling you what the consequences MAY be.  You might break up.  You might find that sex becomes the only thing you're interested in (and it doesn't last a lifetime).  You might find that you don't even like sex (doubtful, but some people don't). You might get caught by your parents and they might ground you for life.  You might get caught by them and you die from embarrassment.  Your community might find out and shun you.  Are all those things going to happen?  Doubtful.

Kerri, here's what you do, seriously.  Sit down with your boyfriend.  Plan your wedding.  Plan your marriage.  Figure out how much life is going to cost without help from First National Mom and Dad.  Plan what you want in life, plan it thoroughly, even down to how many kids you want and what their names are.  After you do all that, and you realize how much there is to maintaining a lifestyle, going to work, getting jobs, etc, etc, etc, then factor in when and where you're going to have time for sex.  I think you're going to find out a couple things - 1) you can't afford to get married right now  2) you're not emotionally ready for the stresses of life  and 3) you're going to realize how little a sex life plays into the rest of your life. You may even find that you think you ARE ready for marriage.  If you can swing it and your parents agree, get married.  But at 18, trust me when I tell you that your are NOT ready for marriage.

Kerri, I don't want to disappoint you - sex IS fun.  And it IS intimate.  And it IS an important part of your life.  But it's so much more when you don't have worry about getting pregnant, getting caught, or dealing with the guilt.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you right now, and this is something I don't often talk about - my wife and I were in the same situation as you are now except with a shorter waitand even with that, we didn't wait.  Now, 38 years later, we're still sorry we didn't wait.  We were 21 when we met, 22 when we married.  We were so ill-equpped to be married, it was pretty pathetic.  We struggled with everything, but we managed to pull through.  We should have waited for sex, we should have waited for marriage.  Did it destroy our marriage?  No.  But it took away what could have been a really intimate moment to remember, and now we don't even remember it, because it was in the heat of the moment. And we didn't spend enough time early on improving our spiritual life with God and each other, and we're WAY sorry that we didn't do that.

Kerri-you've got something beautiful.  Spend a lot of quality time with your boyfriend.  Dream about your life.  Walk hand in hand and smell the roses. Spend time together with each other and with God.  Yea, you're going to get sexually frustrated.  But if you wait, it'll be worth it.

Hope this helps.

hugs,
carl