Expert: Susan Milillo - 11/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: Please do not delete this question,I seriously and desperately need help.I'm only 13 and I need a little advice and even though this question is repeated,please don't delete it.You could be in my shoes and I know all of you have been so that's why I am asking it on these kind of web sites.
I'm 13.I'm a girl.The thought of girls licking me turns me on.I probably won't try it because I'm afraid that I might like it and I think that I might like it.But that's not the only thing holding me back.The thought of a girl turns me on.Do I like it because it's so taboo?I was thinking about girls and it turned me on.Does that mean that I am a lesbian or are those just horomones?I don't want to be a bisexual either!I just want to be straight!This morning I woke up and thought about how it would feel to have sex with a girl and how maybe I should try it but I am afraid that I will like it or that I will regret doing it.Does this make me a lesbian or something?Now,when I think about having sex with a guy,I get really turned on.I want to marry a guy.I want to have a relationship with a guy.But now something is telling me that I wish a girl would come onto me.Does also mean that I am a lesbian?There's this girl at my school thta feel attracted to but it's not a strong attraction.Like some days,I'll say she's pretty and other days,I think that I am attracted to her so it's really confusing.Does this mean that I am not straight?I feel like I want to be with a girl but I know that I want to be with a guy.But sometimes,I want a girl to lick me.I've always wanted to be with a guy,all of my life.It's just now,I am getting all of these strange feelings.Will these feelings go away?Also,I was thinking about how hot it would be to have sex with a girl and how it would feel.Like one minute,I'll ask myself do I want to be want a man or a woman and I am really confused on what I want but I would most likely feel happier with a guy.I love guys.I wasn't actually thinking about having a actual relationship with a girl until now since someone mentioned it.Now I am wondering if I want a girlfriend now,does it sound like it?I don't care if there is nothing wrong with being unstraight,I just simply want to be straight!I don't want to be bi sexual either!I want to kill myself because I can't stop worrying about this and if I'm unstraight then I might as well go ahead and kill myself!I can't say that I want to be in a relatioship with a girl because I just don't find it that interesting and I really just don't think it's for me.If I am sexually and physically attracted girls,then what does that mean?I'm losing sight of what I want and don't want.
Me and my friend are close and I was thinking about how pretty she is and she's so nice to me or at least most of the time she is.Then I started to imagine sex with her and think about how nice and gentle it would be and how her body would be and how hot it would be.I want to be straight and I want to have sex with guys when I grow up and get married and I don't want this to stop it.I have a much more deeper love for guys than girls though.What does that mean though?I hope that I am not emotionally attracted to her because if I am then that means that I am bi sexual or something.Does it sound like I am or do we just have a truly good friendship?
I like girls' bodies but I don't really want a relationship with them but I feel that I want to have sex with them because it looks very inviting and fun but I won't.
I was just masturbating a few days ago and I thought to myself "I want to be a lesbian because it was be so hot to have sex with a girl."I was really horny.Does it sound like I really meant that?
This is why I won't experiment with a girl.

It against my beliefs and my religious beliefs.
I don't want to regret it,and trust me,I would considering I'm already regretting the thoughts.
It would ruin my chances of getting married to a man.
I want my first time to be with a boy.
I'm afraid that I might like it.
I don't think it's a lifestyle that I would want to lead.
If it is going to make me a lesbian by experimenting then I definitely don't want to.
I believe that man is for woman as woman is for man.
I don't want to deal with the shame.
I know that guys are right for me.

Is this how you know that you do not want to experiment with a girl?

This is how I know that I don't want to be a lesbian though.-
I don't want to live with the shame.
I want to marry a guy.
I don't want to live the lifestyle.
I most likely wouldn't be happy with a girl.
It's against my beliefs.
I haven't dated a girl and if I wanted to,I would have already done it.
I don't think that I would have sex with a girl.
The only time that I think about sex with girls is when someone mentions it or when I masturabte or when I am worried about it.
I want to be straight because I know that I would be a lot happier that way.
I love guys.
Is that how you know?

This is how I know that I want to be with a guy.-
I'm happy with guys.
If I didn't want to be with guys,I wouldn't be so worried about all of this.
I imagine myself with them daily.
I love guys.
I want to marry a guy.
When I grow up,I want to have sex with a guy.
I want to date guys.
I want to be with guys.
It's not an ambomination of GOD to be with a guy when you are a girl.
I like the firmness and strongness and aggressiveness that guys have.
Is that how you know?

I asked myself if I had the chance to marry a guy and a girl,would I do it?I said maybe.I want to marry a guy though.Just because I said that I probably woud mary both,does that mean that I am bi sexual?Am I thinking too much?I don't know if I would have sex with a girl.One part says yes and another says no!I might kiss a girl but I doubt anything else.Okay,to be honest,I probably wouldn't even kiss a girl,I don't know why,but I jsut probably wouldn't.!But is wanting to have sex with a girl just curiousity or does it mean that I am a lesbian?Nevertheless,I was thinking what if I really want to have sex with a girl.That makes me a lesbian,doesn't it?Does it sound like I want to have sex with a girl?
Now something is questioning me of if I would try something with a girl even though I keep telling myself that I wouldn't.All this time up until today,I kept saying that I wouldn't try anything with a girl but now something is telling me that I would.But the thing is that no matter how much that voice speaks,I will not act on it because I know that I will regret it.But I think the reall reason of why I am feeling all of this is because I questioned myself.I havent't ever really thought about this stuff this bad before until I asked myself was I straight.The more I question myself,the more I start to come up with things such as "I might like her".It's because it's on my mind at the time.Is that why?
I'm so worried right now because I don't know if I am sexually attracted to women.Being sexually attracted to women means that you want to have sex with them and if I want to have sex with one then that makes me a lesbian even though it's experimenting,doesn't it?
I've been thinking about sex since I was 6.Back then it wasn't real sex but it was some type of sex.I had a crush on my gym teacher and I used to think about him kissing me and him doing bad things to me sexually.I started really thinking about real sex at 10 or 11.So now I am married to a guy named Eric and I have three kids,Alder,Jacqui,and Lisette.This is all in my imagination by the way.But I think about bondage sex,hardcore sex,gentle sex,regular sex,and kinky sex.I'm still a virgin and I plan to be a virgin until I get married.I'm sticking to that definitely.So the other day,I was thinking about a guy licking me and since I have been depressed about my sexuality,the thought of a girl licking me popped up in my head.Is it because I've been thinking about this so much for the last couple of days or so?I like lesbian porn more than I do any other kind.Also when I masturbate,I think about girls licking me or licking each other.It makes me orgasm faster.I don't want to be a lesbian.I haven't dated or had sex with a girl.I think girls are pretty.I love boys.I have only dated boys.I'm turned on by lesbian porn.I want to be straight.I've always wanted to marry a man when I grow up.I'm not even supporting gay or lesbian beliefs or anything.I haven't had sex and don't plan to until I am married (to a man of course.)All I think about is sex though.I only think about sex with girls when I masturbate or when someone mentions it or because I am worried about it.But if I want a girl to lick me and have sex with me then that means that I am a lesbian,right?
I can't get married!No man will want to marry me if I'm unstraight.I don't want to be a lesbian.I want to be with guys but a big part of me tells me that I want to have sex with a girl but I won't do it.At least I don't think I would.I'm happy with guys.Does it sound like I am straight or bi-cuirous?
I know that I wouldn't do it because-
It is wrong or at least to me.
I would not want to carry the shame of it.
It would ruin my chances with a guy when I grow up.
I wouldn't want to be considered bi or a lesbian for doing it.
I would regret it because I am already regretting just the thought of it.
Is that how you know that you wouldn't do it?
I don't know if I want to have sex with a girl but I think I want to experiment.I'm curious to what it would be like.Something tells me that I want to be intamant with a girl but I think I want to experiment because we have good looking bodies but I probably would not try anything with a girl.People are telling me to do what makes me happy,being with guys makes me happy.So does it sound like I am a lesbian?If I liked girls then I would be dating them.If I find out that I'm unstraight,I might kill myself.Being a lesbian or bisexual is an abomination in the sight of GOD.I know that I am attracted to guys.But sometimes my mind tells me that I want to have sex with a girl.I don't want to be bi or a lesbian.I want to be straight.I really don't think that I am going to date or have sex with a girl even though my mind sometimes tells me that I want to.

I want to be straight.
Guys make me very happy.
I haven't dated a girl.
I love guys.
I just have thoughts about it.
My mind sometimes tells me that I want to have sex with a girl but I wouldn't do it,at least I don't think that I would.
To me it's wrong and I don't want to be a lesbian or bisexual.
I'm worried about this.
I've always imagined myself with guys and marrying guys.
I don't want to live with the shame of being a lesbian or being bi.


I went to the doctor once and the doctor touched me in a "place" and I was eleven or getting ready to turn twelve.When she touched me,I kind of liked it but I felt extremely uncomfortable.Even after she did it,I felt uncomfortable,it was a woman doctor.Am I a lesbian?Also when my mom tickles me or touches me on my shoulders,I get sexually excited.I'm very ticklesh.I want to be straight.Am I a lesbian?
My biggest fear is that when I meet a guy and want to get married,he might not want to marry me if he thinks that I'm not straight.I don't want to know what is wrong and what is right because I still believe what I believe.All that I want to know is what is it doing all of this?Am I straight?Is it my horomones telling that I want to be with girls?I don't know if I want to have sex with girl but does it sound like I do?
Being with a guy makes me very happy.I can't get married in the future now.No man would like me!When I masturbate,I get more turned on by thinking girls are licking me than I do guys.So what does this mean?
One thing tells me that I want to be with a girl and another part of me says that I don't.I've always wanted to be with a guy and no one is going to tell me that I don't. I wouldn't have sex with a girl for a lot of reasons.I don't know if I want to have sex with a girl.I think that I want to experiment when I get older but I most likely won't.
There's a lot of things holding me back including myself.I don't know what is telling me that I want to experiment but I am trying to ignore that voice.I know that I most likely wouldn't but I'm just curious as to what it would be like and would I like it.Does that mean that I am a lesbian?I can't marry a guy now!He won't want to marry me if he thinks that I am a lesbian or bisexual?Am I just somewhat curious?

There's this girl at my school.She's really pretty and I admire her body.Then I thought "Maybe I'm attracted to her."I tried to visualize what it would be like to be with her and she is pretty.I don't know if I would go out with her because that's a little too far for me and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't.80% that I wouldn't.I have always imagined myself with a guy.Did I just admire her and her body?Or am I lesbian for thinking this about her and feeling this way about her?Am I sexually or physically attracted to her?I did want to touch her breasts or one of her other body parts but I don't think that I would do it.

Is all of this just my horomones acting up?Is this why I can't make up my mind about anything?

I always think about guys.When I masturbate,I get into the heat of the moment and I just think about anything that would turn me on.But when my mom was touching my shoulder,I was hoping that she would go farther.I'm really ticklesh on my shoulder.I would probably be unhappy with a girl.I always think about guys daily,everyday,I think about them daily.Am I lesbian for wanting my mom to go further for that moment?
My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me different things.I want to kill myself over this because I just want to be straight.I think that girls are attractive.I want to be with a guy for the rest of my life.What am I?I can't get a husband or boyfriend now!
Something tells me that I want to try it one day.I taught that it is wrong but if that makes me a lesbian then I don't want to try it.Nevertheless,I always pictured myself with guys.I'm reluctant with doing it when I get older because I don't want to be a lesbian.But even if it doesn't make me a lesbian,it's still the point of the thing.But the fact that I might want to try it later on in life scares me.I'm NOT sure if I am going to try it anywhere in the future but I'm 75% sure that I wouldn't because that's not who I am and at least I don't think that I would try it.Would trying it make me a lesbian or something?
I want to try something with a girl or at least something tells me that I do but there's some things holding me back.It's against my beliefs and if it makes me a lesbian of bisexual if I do it then I definitely don't want to do it.I want to be with guys but I wonder what it would be like with girls.I know that no matter how much these urges come to me to try it,that I won't give in considering I do know myself a little to know that I most likely wouldn't be happy with it.But does it make me a lesbian becase I wanted to try or or thought about it?I'm not going to experiment or anything,I refuse to no matter how bad the urge is because I know that later on in life,I won't regret it either.I truly want to just really kill myself over this!I only think about sex with girls when someone mentions it and when I masturbate.Other than that,I always think about sex with guys.I want to be with a guy.I'm happy with guys.Does it sound like I am a lesbian or bi sexual or am I straight?

ANSWER: Dear, Dear, Corrina ~

   Thank you for trusting me with the privilege of helping out, even just a little bit.   You said a lot, and I certainly do not consider myself an expert on this particular subject.  But I can share my thoughts and insights with you, and I hope and pray God will take them and make them shine out for you in the dark.

   First, Talk to somebody who you can sit down across from and talk to - meaning a Christian counselor, etc.  When suicide becomes an actual thought, it's really important to take your anxieties seriously and get professional help  (which unfortunately I'm not!~)

   But I would love to share what I have.   Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? He can totally make you new - cleanse away your sins (we all are born with a heart that is sinful),and give you wonderful new perspectives.  You mentioned your religious beliefs once or twice, and something about God's view towards homosexuality, but I couldn't be sure if you have given Him your heart, just because you didn't actually say so.

    I'm going to actually use the word 'orientation' - but use it in a way you aren't expecting - sexual orientation is one thing that we could talk about, but I mean spiritual orientation.   

   Is your life oriented around God primarily, or yourself?  You wrote a lot about figuring out how you feel about what your orientation is or isn't, what you want or not -- I understand why you would feel concerned for figuring these things out, but the truth is that GOD has a design for your life. - A special, unique one.  He knows how things really should be - He didn't make you in such a way that you can happily be only ... something that He commands you NOT  to be.  He isn't cruel! And He knows you will be happiest following His will - take your cue, your standard, from Him and what the Bible says, not from present day culture.  I know it's the popular belief that you are born one way or the other - straight or 'unstraight' - But I don't agree with this, and I don't think it's taught in any way in the Bible.  

    His will for you in His Word is not just sexual abstinence, but a life and mind of PURITY !  Isn't this awesome? I mean, not easy, but really very beautiful!!   I have to be honest with you Corrina, and say that masturbating isn't pure, for someone in your case -- you are not married, so it's only turning on sexual drives - whether straight or not, - that will only tempt you to be impure.  The Bible tells us to 'Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts'.  In other words, don't make it harder on yourself for you to please God.  I have a weakness for sweets.  I can have all the resolve I want, but if I put a plate of chocolate chip cookies in front of myself, at least 7 times out of 10, I will eat (more than) one!  You are only revving up your sexual motor when you masturbate.... and when you look at pornography, or anything that's sexually explicit.
Ask God to give you a passion for purity. You don't want sex to be the focus of your mental life -- especially in light of the fact that you have a long time to wait for it, and there is so much God wants you to be growing in now, and healthy ways for you to develop! He loves you.

Corrina, there's so much more I mean to comment on, from your letter.  Do you mind if I come back to it?  It's getting really late, and it's been a long day.   But you are VERY much on my heart, and I'm praying for you.

With love,
Susan



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well when I was about 8,I asked for God's forgiveness but at the time,I did it because I didn't want to go to hell.I didn't really love GOD because I didn't really know Him that well.So then like 2 years later,I got the Holy Ghost but then I felt that my church was trying to really push me into it so I just all of a sudden shut down.About a year ago or a couple of months ago,I just decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore.I go once in a while but not every Sunday and I feel that if I am just going to make people happy and just to be there then that's a vain reason to go.If you're not there for GOD then there's no point in goingI tried reading my Bible and I started from the first chapter and tried to read the whole book in order.Well that got boring and I didn't understand anything so I stopped that too.So now,the only thing that I will do is pray and majority of the time,it's to ask for things.I'm not really sure if I love GOD because I haven't really got to know Him nor hae I really tried anymore.I know I have really backslided in that area.Does this mean that I am not saved?Or at least anymore now?

ANSWER: Dear Corrina,

Well, true saving faith is a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8-9). If you think you weren't sincere about giving Him your heart and asking Him into your life when you were 8:00, maybe He is calling you now!  Ask Him now to give you a new heart, to make you a new creation.  And don't worry about starting at the beginning and reading through the end of the Bible. You know how many times I have tried to do that? It's never happened, and I've been a Christian since I was three!  John is a good book to start with, or really, whatever grabs your attention!  
You shouldn't need to feel pressured by other Christians; God always takes you where you are, and works with you uniquely.

Do you have any kind of spiritual guidance in your life? Are you parents believers in Jesus?   

I would love to help you more, but there's only so much I can do in this 'forum'.   But I would urge you with all my heart, to find a mature Christian person who is IN YOUR LIFE, to lead you and give you counsel.

As far as your sexual life, I would say, focus on other parts of your development -- Don't 'rev up your engines' if it isn't time to 'start the car' - you know?  

And, on a personal note, I have always been too open to mental suggestion myself.  I have doubted myself to the point where I too wondered, if maybe I had lesbian leanings - it's impossible not to have some suggestive thoughts in the open-minded culture in which we live -- I have feared that maybe I would -- worship the devil, kill someone, etc.   But just because we get a thought, doesn't necessarily mean anything.  And we certainly don't have to define ourselves or guide our actions by the thoughts that spring themselves on us.

Please find someone to talk to who can really give you good counsel on your particular issues.   I'm not really qualified to be that person for you on this website, but I believe you really need to find someone in your life that can counsel you and help guide your life in a mature and godly direction.   

Love and prayers,
SM

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So now I am not saved?!?!?!?!?!?!?!Now I might as well kill myself.The thing is that I don't know if my heart was into when I was eight,at the time,I Was a little willing to get to know GOD better but now I am hearing this?What are you saying now.Now I am not saved?Yes I do believe that He is the son of GOD and that He died for our sins so that we can be forgiven.I asked Him for forgiveness.At the time,I didn't want to go to hell but at the time,I was young and I wanted to I guess know Him better.But after that,I just drifted off.But now I don't even know if I am saved.

Answer
Dear Corrina,

      I got your question a second time, and it got me thinking more about how you're doing.   Is everything still the same, in your struggles?  Are you starting to get some clarity about the issues?

      I really want to help, but I recognize that I don't have the understanding of homosexuality/heterosexuality to fairly help you out.  But I wanted to refer you to a group that can help you.

It's called EXODUS :   http://www.exodus-international.org/   OR for more specific info to help youth, go to  exodusyouth.net . (There is a link for this on the main exodus homepage.   

And I just read an article in a Christian magazine that I get, about Jeff Johnston, a guy who was victorious over his homosexual life through Jesus.    You could contact Focus on the Family to get a copy of that article, I believe.  I'd love if you could get your hands on his story.       

A couple years ago I was going to go to high schools and talk to teens about abstinence. As part of my training for that, I went with a couple other leaders to a large conference called Love Won Out.   It was excellent. I learned quite a bit ;  That website is lovewonout.com .

Please check out the websites for those things.   You should find some good answers and support.

With Love,
SM




















Dear Corrina,

NO, I am NOT saying that you aren't saved.  I just thought, from your question, that maybe YOU were having doubts about it.  I'm sorry I wasn't more mindful of what you were really saying.

And please don't even consider killing yourself!!   You have a long life ahead of you, and there are so many gifts to be unwrapped.

When I asked Jesus into my heart when I was three, it was because I didn't want to be left behind when the rest of my family went to heaven.   I don't know how much I understood about my own sinfulness, and God's grace....you know.  Since then I've 'affirmed' my salvation.
Only God knows the whole truth about the exact moment someone is saved.   But all I meant to say was that there's no harm in just telling Him, again, that you really do need Him in your life.  
I certainly didn't mean to introduce doubt into your mind.    Please forgive my misunderstanding.  

Sincerely,
SM

p.s. I don't personally believe you can become 'unsaved', either.
You can trust Him. He's a Safe Place.